TITLE: Tales from the War Table
GENRE: Humour
No one was quite sure how the War Table began, it was lost long ago in a miasma of half smoked cigarettes, early morning regret, and head crushing hangovers; although everyone remembered the exact moment it ended.
Several housemates lay claim to naming the War Table and had accompanying stories of varying believability to back it up. Some were apocryphal, one was an outright lie and one would only be possible with a Winston Churchill impersonator.
The end came crashing down on the housemates two months into my tenancy at Argyle Street. The day started, as always, around the kitchen/War Table. It ended with tears, incrimination and --- parked between the fridge with the dodgy door and the ironing board that no one could ever unfold --- a bulldozer. This came as a great surprise to everyone, except the bulldozer. It seemed indifferent to the whole debacle.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Before the ‘dozer, the War Table, the walks of shame, the drug binges, the stolen police car and before the infamous vomit punch, there was Claire. Claire was everything I ever wanted in a woman, except for the cheating. We shared eight years of what I thought was a happy, if not brilliant, relationship. It’s a pity she slept with my dentist. She didn’t even have the common decency to sleep with her dentist. I had to move out, start over and find a new dentist. As a protest I didn’t floss for a week. F*** him.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The first paragraph did not hook me, and by the third paragraph, I wanted to stop reading. It was hard to connect to a table.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I continued reading, and I'm glad I did. Your introduction of Claire was excellent.
You caught my interest as soon as I read, "Claire was everything I ever wanted in a woman, except for the cheating."
After that, I was laughing.
IMHO, you should anchor the reader to the story first. Whose POV is it? Where is he and what is he doing?
Then intro Claire as soon as possible. It tells a lot about the POV character.
Thank you for the laugh.
I'm with Rhea on this one.
ReplyDeleteI can hold off finding out about time, place and narrator if there's a strong enough hook to keep reading. I'm afraid I didn't find it in the first three paragraphs.
The bit with Claire and the dentist, on the other hand, is a winner.
I'm not sure if you need "F*** him" though. I don't mind obscenity but it felt like the dentist episode was building up to "As a protest, I didn’t floss for a week".
Once you'd landed that (very funny) line, it was time to move on.
Without any other context, I too was lost with the War Table. I'm sure all of that makes sense later. For what it's worth, I would love to read the 250 words that would begin with "Claire was everything I ever wanted ..."
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other commentors--the strongest part of this intro is the final paragraph, where you introduce Claire. It seems to me that, if your character has to say, "I'm getting ahead of myself" then it's probably a reasonable sign that you can just start with whatever comes after that, because you're probably ahead of what the reader needs to know, too.
ReplyDeleteI don't think readers are going to care much about the War Table until they care about the characters who are involved in it. For me, I actually started to get interested in paragraph 3, with "the end came crashing down . . ." because that gave me some sense of the kind of genre I'd be dealing with. However, I think you could start with the characters and introduce the War Table later and still be fine.
Almost every line left me smiling. It's going to be a great read - I love the tone. I agree with the others, though. I'd rework the beginning. I have the feeling when the action starts, I'll be hooked!
ReplyDeleteI liked the intro, but I agree the punch is the first line about Claire. Maybe say that first and then we'll care about the war table. Right now I'm picturing a dank bachelor bad of randomness that has a great backstory, but I need a character to latch on to first. I like the tone so far.
ReplyDeleteOK that was supposed to be bachelor pad. I just re-read the last paragraph and think it would make for a strong start.
ReplyDeleteThe humour is great. I laughed so hard hubby had to come into the office to ask me what was so funny.
ReplyDeleteThe tone is engaging, for sure. I'd love to read more and now I really want to know about this poor guy's relationship with Claire!
Absolutely hooked! Loved the tone, loved the humour, loved the bulldozer ;) This is a book I'd want to sit down and read.
ReplyDeleteI also found the writing engaging and funny enough that I would want to keep reading - especially loved the line that "she didn't even have the common decency to sleep with her dentist." I agree that the War Table is only as interesting (to the reader) as the people who are sitting around it. I think you can move that up front and a way to do that would be to insert dialogue so that we can begin to hear the voices of the chracters ASAP. A natural place to do that would be where everyone claims to naming it. A problem - I think the first paragraph is okay if you lose the part where everyone knows when it ended. You only just mentioned it began so I don't think you can bookened it so quicjly without losing the reader. Let's just know where it began for now and let us find out through the voices of the characters. Same would apply for the day ending in tears. You stare with the day beginning and instantly bookend it with it ending in tears. I would just go with the start - let us find out what happened gradually. Otherwise it becomes a bit too much like ping pong for the brain..it began, it ended, it began it ended. etc. Clean that up and I think you have a great start. Again, the humor is apparent and I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteIf you started the MS with "Claire was everything I ever wanted in a woman, except for the cheating", that is one boom-goes-the-dynamite hook right there!
ReplyDeleteJust an opinion, of course. I feel there's lots of things being introduced into the story too quickly that it's hard to pinpoint anything with clarity. But I love the humor here!
I really liked this entry. I have to disagree with most of the PPs that I liked the opening as it was. Maybe a bit more clarity about the war table, but it kept me interested. The writing was engaging. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteNow I have stopped laughing... There is little I can add to what has already been said. I love the voice and would like to find out more about Claire, the dentist and how the bulldozer ended up where it did.
ReplyDeleteThe writing here is strong. I love opening with the table. It's different. I'm not looking for all the answers in the first 250 words. What interests me most is compelling language, unique description, and a setup that hints at richness in storytelling and character. I do see why some folks recommend starting with the line "Claire was everything I ever wanted in a woman, except for the cheating." It is strong and says so very much. But I don't mind getting to it a little ways in. I would definitely read on. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteI'm still laughing. Loved this. Great voice,humour and hooks. I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI loved the last paragraph and agree that that's where this piece should start. I kind of had to force myself to slog through what came before, but the last paragraph saved it for me. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. I thouht the beginning was intriguing. I wondered where you were going with the War table, but I thought it was funny, especially the line about the Winston Churchill impersonator. And the one about the indifferent bulldozer. I'll agree with Happy Dolphin about the 'beginning' and 'ending'. No need to mention the ending just yet. Great start!
ReplyDeleteI thought your first few paragraphs were quite choppy, but the line 'Claire was everything I ever wanted in a woman, except for the cheating.' is brilliant. That line hooked me and I agree with the others that this might make a better starting place. I can see why you want to start by introducing the idea of the War Table, but your writing is so much stronger in the last paragraph and I at least found it a lot funnier too. Maybe you can start with the War Table, but only have a few sentences, then move on to Claire and the dentist.
ReplyDeleteI can only fall in line with the other comments...the last paragraph ought to be the first paragraph (though maybe skip the "F**k him," since that's what the not flossing is for!), and the war table ought to be introduced later, in the moment, without all that pomp and circumstance, etc. But that last paragraph is lots of fun...
ReplyDeleteDefinitely want to read more as totally hooked.
ReplyDeleteLoved the voice and humour and want to know what happens with with the War Table ... and to Claire.