TITLE: The Golgothian Go-Go
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
The eight-foot penis was back for another beer and a shot. There were two other giant penises at my bar, one about seven feet tall who was drinking screwdrivers, and a discerning ten-foot-tall model wearing a cape and plastic fangs. Drajacula was sipping scotch and soda, disgruntled that his Johnny Walker Black was being served in a humble plastic tumbler—as if I cared how a giant vampire penis preferred his scotch—particularly an evil one from a rival Coven.
The Blackroods were slimy types, and no thanks to one of their skanky girlfriends, I was sporting a bruised eye under my pirate’s patch. Flipping the cape back over my shoulder, I slammed the scotch down on the bar and took Drajacula’s twenty with a look that said, “Try me.” Though Coven Blackrood wasn’t shopping for supernatural mates, I liked them even less than the Skinshifters who were.
Giving him a little growl, I tucked his change into my booty jar. He succumbed to premature evacuation, blending back into Freaks-Fest festering crowd. He was another fledgling warlock who wouldn’t return to my corner bar, despite the Coven’s fascination with my unique abilities. I was saving my angst for the immediate agenda—the real monsters who were loose in the full-moon Halloween crowd, and the hotel’s two missing employees.
The phone on my hip vibrated, flashing with a 911 from my best friend: “Harrys HERE!!!”
I texted Seejayne back with a: “WTF???” my last mug of burned coffee starting a squall in my belly.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Ok - are these actual penises or peni (is that the plural for penis?) in the bar or is the bartender calling them that. I couldn't decipher. The writing isn't bad - its actually quite good but lose the penis stuff because all I am envisioning is three giant man parts with arms sitting at a bar. it takes all tr attention of your strong writing and onto your first lines.
ReplyDeleteI assumed they were actually penises and that this is a parody. If it is, it's a very good one -- it feels just like an urban fantasy and the writing is really strong. And you certainly evoke a sense of... dickishness (heh) with the use of words like "slimy."
ReplyDeleteIf it's not a parody, the writing is STILL really strong, but yeah -- pull back on the penis stuff (heheheheh).
I'd read on if only to figure out if these guys are actually vampire dicks.
Um... am I the only one who assumes that it's Halloween, and THAT'S why they are dressed as dicks, and why the MC has a pirate costume on?
ReplyDeleteI really like this:)
I also assume it's Halloween (or something like that) but I think it takes too long for me to know that. I'd mention it right off the bat.
ReplyDeleteIf I knew earlier, it'd be easier to really appreciate all the dick jokes. Because they're fantastic.
I'd defnitely read on - and that's saying a lot since I don't usually read fantasy. Nice job! And good luck.
It actually SAYS it's Halloween - right there, so it's interesting that people are so stymied by it.
ReplyDeleteIt amuses me that seven foot tall dicks are confusing people and making them uncomfortable...
The author *could* move the bit about the full moon on Halloween crowd a bit sooner. But if you're confused by thinking there's a literal dick at the bar, and don't see *Halloween* when it's right there, then perhaps you're reading a bit passively.
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ReplyDeleteThis and all of the comments made me laugh. I definitely thought metaphorical penis, as in "what a jerk/dick", but then I read further and saw the Halloween part. Maybe earlier on would help? Sorry for having to delete the other comment, wish there was an edit function!
ReplyDeleteI think earlier would help. And I guess its just me, but it seemed like too much was going on here- the dick humor, setting the scene in the bar, the rival clans, her talent which I don't think we know yet what it is, missing employees and a best friend.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to know what was happening so yea, I guess I'm hooked but it moved a little fast for me, but I've been reading a lot of YA so maybe I'm out of touch with adult pacing.
I'm guessing you're basically saying the customers are dicks? I like how you have different names for the guys at bars though (and some of them definitely fit).
ReplyDeleteOk - now I see Halloween but it is not mentioned until the end of the second paragraph. If it was thrown in there earlier or perhaps something about there being a sale on penis costumes or perhaps think - does a dickhead like this guy even need a penis costume. I don't know but something about these being costumes or Halloween at this bar.
ReplyDeleteFunny and premature evacuation - real cute.
Okay. Wasn’t expecting this. I’d move the Halloween mention to the top because I assumed she was a bartender that referred to all men as Penises. (Now that I think of it, it must be both. Can’t imagine a Penis costume would leave a spot for plastic fangs.)
ReplyDeleteEither way I’d have to say this isn’t for me.