TITLE: SHENANIGANS ON SISTANZA
GENRE: Tween Romantic Comedy
My twin sister, Ashleigh, and I turn onto our street after our awesome visit to the Sistanza Golf Cart Licensing Bureau. Before you ask, no we’re not identical. She has stick-straight dark brown hair which shockingly does not get frizzy at all despite the humidity for eleven and a half months of the year here. The midday sun beats down on my hair, which is the same color as my sister’s but wavy and stays frizz-free courtesy of a golf-cart-load of extra strength Frizz-Ease after every shower.
All of a sudden, Ashleigh stops walking underneath the mango tree which droops onto the sidewalk from Mr. and Mrs. Fudgewick’s front yard. At first I think she’s stepped on a mango. But before I can tell her that a little mango pulp is just what she needs to jazz up her no-name brand sneakers, my sister grabs my upper arm so tight, I have a flashback of getting my blood pressure checked at Dr. PierceIngBlueEyes’s office. Okay, so his name’s Dr. Pierce but he seriously looks like a TV doctor with his jet-black hair and, you guessed it, piercing blue eyes.
I follow my twin’s gaze to our house. Two brand spanking new golf carts--one purple, one pink--crowned with ginormous floppy bows sit in our driveway. OMG! I race toward them.
Golf carts are the best way to zip around our hometown, the Isle of Sistanza. Now we’re licensed AND have our own golf carts, we can go wherever, whenever--this rocks!
Miss Snark's First Victim
Ok, first off, mad props for having the word "shenanigans" in your title. It's in my top ten favorite words of all time. Secondly, love the name Fudgewick. So hilariously evocative. My only problem is the repetition of the term "golf cart" a few times. I'm hooked! Super cute.
ReplyDeleteI love your title. I liked the tone, and your premise, but, for me, there was a bit too much explanation / description in your excerpt. It might be a matter of starting slightly too soon - it might be more dramatic to begin with the line "Before I can tell her a little mango pulp..." Also - I assumed "Dr. PiercingBlueEyes" was so named because he had blue eyes - I don't think that needed an explanation. You might want to check out the book "Hooked" by Les Edgerton - I just finished it and it's a very helpful guide to writing openings.
ReplyDeleteHooked is an excellent resource. I thought the description slowed the story. If it was layered throughout the first chapter, in bits and pieces it would keep the story moving for those of us with short attention spans. :) I love the title and it speaks to the humor the reader could expect in the story. I was able to get a sense of who the narrator was in this passage.
ReplyDeleteThis is a good opening and I like the voice, but the description does bog it down,as does the repetition of 'golf cart'. A little fine tuning and I think you're there!
ReplyDeleteI love how you address the "no we're not identical" thing because that was my first thought. Super cute.
ReplyDeleteI agree with getting a bit more toward the action after the first paragraph. Great voice though!
I liked that it was different. I don't believe I've seen a tween book with girl characters on the shelves so my guess is there's potential here.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't sold on the narrator, though. She was a bit too chatty for my personal taste. I'd keep reading though to see what happens. Hope they drive their golf carts safely!
Good luck with it!
Ha ha - I meant a girl tween book that has golf. Can't type.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with a few of the comments. The voice is good but there's a lot of 'chatting' on the first page. It think it would be totally hilarious to have them actually talk through this scene.
ReplyDeleteBut golf carts...count me in! :)
I agree with librarygiraffe's comments. I felt overwhelmed in first graf descriptions. I like Dr. Blue eyes, like shenanigans, and I like to voice of the narrator. I also like the spunk of "we're not identical". Well done.
ReplyDeleteI really didn’t respond to the voice. The narrator was all over the place and it was hard to figure out what I was supposed to be focusing on. I have no idea what this book is going to be about and I should definitely know that after the first scene.
ReplyDeleteMy advice would be to slow down and decide what is important to your story. If it is really ALL important, then space it out more so the reader isn’t bombarded with details.