TITLE: Sunside
GENRE: Middle Grade SciFi
Myri ran, the wet floor slippery beneath her feet. He was up ahead: she could hear his steps clanging against the metal platforms that ran along the sides of the tunnel, but she couldn't make him out in the darkness. The torches on the wall sputtered, barely illuminating anything at all.
There was a splash and the footsteps stopped. Myri stopped too, worried that he'd jumped into the transport river running down the middle of the tunnel. She squinted into the distance and blinked hard.
There! The light reflected briefly off his back. He was in the river and swimming fast. I'll never catch up to him in the water, she thought. And the walking platforms would end soon, replaced by docks for the… rafts! She surged forward, splashing through the puddles, and slid across the platform in front of the dock.
Myri skidded hard and gasped. The raft she expected to see had come unmoored and was floating away. It’s too wet to stop! she thought. Just as her toes reached the edge of the dock she shoved off, leaping into the air and scrabbling at the rafters, her feet dangling toward the water and her tool pouch weighing her down. The closest raft was drifting just a few feet away, its pole still resting in the oarlock, but her grip on the damp metal was slipping.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'll preface my comment by saying sci-fi is not my favorite genre. I liked the first paragraph, and the images it created--especially the torches on the wall. However, by the end, I was left wondering why she is chasing "him." I am sure you will tell us soon in the rest of the story, but I didn't find out who "he" was or why this chase scene is important.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by this setup. I'm a little confused by the last sentence, though; is she hanging from a metal rafter? And maybe "rafters" is not the best word to use here since she is trying to reach a "raft." I'm not sure of your setting, but perhaps "pipes" or something would work better.
ReplyDeleteThe image of racing against someone keeps me intrigued, but I find myself wanting to know at least who she's chasing. I can wait a little to find out why. (Or vice versa, tell us why, but not who? Too little information right now.) The pace is good, the short sentences pushing us to read faster. At the end, I like the struggle of her trying to stop and being unable to, but I'm picturing a ten-year-old leaping up and grabbing overhead rafters. Without knowing more of the sci-fi world you've created, I'm finding the believability a little bit of stretch.
ReplyDeleteI was really intrigued, and dying to know more. You'd have me hooked if I picked this up in a bookstore, for sure. Your sentences were tight, luring me to read on. I like it!
ReplyDeleteHooked. I love all the action. The "He" is the second sentence did stop me. I wondered why you didn't use his name. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteOoooh, I would definitely read on to answer all the questions you raised in the first 250 words!
ReplyDeleteI've heard it said that one shouldn't begin with action because the reader isn't invested enough in the character to care and I have to say that's what happened to me here. But, I'm not a sci-fi reader. Others seemed to love this though it just wasn't grabbing me. I also wondered who "he" was. If 'he' is a big blue alien or an escapee or the son of a bitch that shot her partner or something that might pique my interest- I'd call him that.
ReplyDeleteGreat intro. I'm hooked and would keep reading to find out who this mystery guy is and why Myri is chasing him through water tunnels.
ReplyDeleteI’m not a science fiction reader but you have written this scene well. The pacing is great and I read faster and faster. I would have loved a few more clues as to who Myri is. (Clues like the tool belt.)
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