TITLE: SEXUAL POLITICS
GENRE: YA contemporary
Hands sweating, eyes closed, I stand on the threshold of the audition room for the senior play and feel family pushing against me, or maybe it's just their voices I hear.
Dad's on my left side, leaning in, whispering that it's all up to me now to get that law degree, and Mom's on my right, poking me with her elbow, urging me on.
My brother, Jake, who doesn't have a logical neuron in his brain, dribbles his basketball between my legs and tells me to take the spot because he can't.
Only my little sister, Ruthie, doesn't press. At eight, and the smartest one in the family, she's too busy meditating to comment.
My heart pounds when a couple of other girls come up behind and sweep me inside the door with them. Good thing, too, because I was just about to answer my family and then everybody would think I was crazy. Not that everybody doesn't talk to themselves constantly in their head. My psychology teacher said so. He even said it's not crazy if you answer yourself, but I'm not the one to test it out.
The room smells like nervous perspiration, mostly mine.
I've got the grades, and if I get the lead, it could be my ticket into Columbia University. ..One step closer to upholding the family tradition.
Nicola Crowe, Ariel Anderson, and Emma Olsen, three girls from my English class, give me that you're-an-outsider glance.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the title, that in itself drew me in. But I was confused at first as to whether her family was actually there or not, and had to go back and re-read to figure it out. You have a lot of characters that you introduce in a small amount of space -- narrator, mom, dad, brother, sister, 3 classmates. I think this distracts from the tension you've got going on. Be careful you're not telling too much as well--not much has happened in your first page. The piece about following in the family tradition was the hook for me, so I would definitely turn the page. Good job :)
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued by the title too.
ReplyDeleteI think you start well with that first paragraph, but then I'm distracted/slowed down by all the explanations of the family members.
Then you jump back into the good tension.
But I'm still interested because I'm wondering what the audition is about and how this all relates to the family tradition.
Good luck
The family actually being there or not confused me. My first thought when she mentions she was about to answer her family and everyone would think she was crazy, etc... is that the family are ghosts. Especially because she describes them in such realistic detail - like her brother dribbling a basketball between her legs and what he tells her to do. So - that would keep me reading. To find out what's the deal with the family. I also like the hook with whether she'll get the lead, get into Columbia, what's the family tradition and you've hinted at conflict with her peers. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteOkay - just re-read it and found a couple more hints that the family are ghosts. Am I right???
I was also confused on the introduction of the family. How is her brother dribbling his basketball between her legs?
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nervousness quite well though. I feel how much she's freaking out in the last 100 words.
I feel her worry, the tension. I'm left wondering with the last line why she's trying out for the lead if she's never been in the theater before since she's 'an outsider'. As a theater person myself it would be hard for anyone who'd never participated before to get the lead. And that she's doing it just to get into a college...
ReplyDeleteBut I would assume there's a good backstory for all this and would be dying to read on! Wondering is not a bad thing. Good job.
I really liked it, I love the voice and I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThe paragraph describing her brother is very awkward, that's the only thing I'd change.
Not sure about the title for a YA, but maybe that's just me.
Good luck!
As a theater person myself, the first line drew me in. You really capture the main character's discomfort and the pressure she feels from her family.
ReplyDeleteHer father whispering for her to "get that law degree" as a way to prod her to do well in her audition gave me pause. I also didn't understand why answering her family would make her seem crazy. Is her family talking out loud or in the main character's head? Or are they ghosts?
"The room smells like nervous perspiration"--excellent. I'm curious and would read on.
I got that the family wasn't there, and I like it. I didn't feel the authenticity of Ruthie meditating, though. I also was thrown off my the naming of the three girls in English class and the outsider glance. Heavy exposition, but I do feel the tension and the weight of her expectations.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this and totally got it from the get go--Reminded me a little of CHorus Line--Or, Our Town. I guess my only critque would be the names at the end. It brought me out, and up until then I was with it all the way. Nice writing, because if you can "tell" and draw us in, you've done a good job.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, you need a new title. By using “Sexual” you’ll lose some of your audience and you want your book to appeal to the trade market as well as the school and library market. I’m sure there’s another great name for it.
ReplyDeleteGiven the popularity of Glee, you’ve hit on a good subject. I was confused whether her family was in her head or if they were ghosts. The brother tells her to take “the spot” because he can’t. Is that a spot in the play (because he’s dead?) or is that a basketball term? (Hmmm, you are all thinking, Secret Agent doesn’t know squat about basketball. True. But that doesn’t get you any closer to my identity, mwahh ha ha ha.)
These are a lot of characters to introduce at once. Could you leave the girls from English class until later? It would give the reader a chance to get to know the main character more. We don’t even know her name!
I’d go back, clarify the family’s role and give us a few more hints about who SHE is.