TITLE: Le Petite Mort and the Heart Table
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Dede was fairly certain that, as Death's apprentice, she never should have even been short listed for the next Goddess of Love opening.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
Yes. This one has be interested right away. I think it could be a really cool concept and hope it lives up to the potential! I'd read on for sure.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteThe sentence didn't flow for me. Needs to be tightened.
No.
ReplyDeleteI tripped over the sentence structure. I think if it flowed better, the content would have hooked me.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea and it made me very curious. I'd definitely read on to find out how she got into that situation.
No. I agree that the flow wasn't there. I'd consider leaving "as death's apprentice out" and introduce that in the next sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too complicated a sentence. Needs tightening.
ReplyDeleteNo. Liked the premise but the wording is awkward. Tighten it up and you'll have something.
ReplyDeleteYes, the sentence does need tightening, but it wouldn't stop me from reading more.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm sure it could be smoother or more concise, but I love the idea of an MC as Death's apprentice, plus we get the setup right away.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIt's too long and clunky. Doesn't flow. It's griping with the 'death's apprentice' part but the wording doesn't sit right. It's the 'fairly certain' and 'never should have even been' that lost me.
No.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence structure tripped me up as well. The "never should have even" at the end is a little convoluted. Also, it took me a moment to realize what you meant by "Goddess of Love opening."
I'd rearrange things to say something like, "she should never have been shortlisted to be the next Goddess of Love."
no, I had to read the sentence twice to get it.
ReplyDeleteyes. The sentence is clunky but Death's Apprentice? I want to know more!
ReplyDeleteYes. I want to know why she was short listed!
ReplyDeleteNo. The "never should have even been" is way too many unnecessary words. It tripped me up a bit.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading to find out about the "Goddess of Love", I did think the sentence could be tightened though.
No. Loved the premise but would like to see this tightened. Agree it doesnt yet flow quite right and I had to re-read it. But if tightened would have been a yes.
ReplyDeleteYes. It made me laugh and it's definitely a strange situation to find oneself in.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIt's a bit too clunky. I would change "she never should have even been" to something more simple like, "she shouldn't have been"
Yes, although I was on the fence about it. I struggled with the MC's name being "Dede" when she's Death's apprentice. I think the mythology is cute, though.
ReplyDeleteNo. But I really wanted to say yes. The concept is absolutely a hook, but the sentence needs to be tightened up. It's clunky right now and I stumbled over it.
ReplyDeleteNo. While I love the concept and it totally intrigued me, the wording was difficult to get through. You could really hit gold with this, though, if you reworked it a bit!
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteI like the concept, but the sentence is clunky. Clean it up a bit. "As Death's apprentice, Dede shouldn't have been short listed for the next Goddess of Love opening."
Yes.
ReplyDeleteThe premise (Death's apprentice turned love goddess?) was enough to have made me read further; however, the syntax needs some serious work.
There are way more syllables than necessary in "never should have even been" to convey the concept. "Opening" was vague. I mgiht go with position or "next opening for Goddess of Love."
No. Had to read it twice to catch the meaning. It needs to be tightened. I must say I'm intrigued by the title. Obviously (to anyone who knows French) "le petite mort" means the orgasm [literally, the little death], so I'm wondering what "The orgasm and the heart table" means.
ReplyDeleteNo. I stumbled over the sentence which distracted me from the interesting premise you're presenting.
ReplyDeleteYes. I stumbled a little when reading it, but the humor and quirkiness made me want to read on.
ReplyDeleteNo. The sentence structure is clunky and would benefit from tightening.
ReplyDeleteIt's an interesting premise, but not enough to get me past the excess verbiage.
No. I liked the content, but the construction didn't flow well.
ReplyDeleteYes. Hooked by her being short-listed for the goddess of love opening. But I'd take out the first comma and my eye skipped right over "even" the first time, because it's not needed. Also would hyphenate "short-listed".
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI think you could clean it up a bit, but got it the first read and would love to read more.
Yes. I agree that the sentence could flow better, but the content is definitely enough to make me read on.
ReplyDeleteYes. This is hilarious and I love the voice :)
ReplyDeleteNo. I felt like it was trying to cram too much into the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo. Just a bit too laborious. One of these concepts (Death's apprentice, Goddess of Love) would have been enough - both is way too much.
ReplyDeleteYes- interesting premise. I want to see where it's going
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThis would make a GREAT pitch, but as a first sentence, it's too much and it makes me worry that the rest of the manuscript is wordy. I think you could simplify or break it into two sentences to make it catchier as an open. But keep this as a pitch! It's hooky & has a great voice.
Yes! I like the twist, Death's apprentice and Goddess of Love. It promises to be interesting and clever.
ReplyDeleteWow, there's a lot there, but I'd read on :) Wish it were a little punchier, but it had so many elements that usually intrigue me I'd have to keep going.
ReplyDeleteNinja Girl
No. This feels too info-dumpy to me. Maybe it could end with something like "she never should have been on that list," and you can explain the Goddess of Love thing later?
ReplyDeleteYes but just barely. It felt a bit awkward, but the premise has me intrigued.
ReplyDeleteYes. You should streamline it a little, but it has great voice and is definitely intriguing. Well done.
ReplyDeleteYes. BUT the sentence needs cleaning up. I'd only read further because of the concept.
ReplyDeleteI'm going with a strong Maybe. The conflict intrigues me, but the sentence seems awkward, which makes me worry the entire book will be like that, in which case I'd quit reading. On second thought, make it a Yes, because I am intrigued and think the conflict could be funny, but only if our next sentences are better constructed (said the person who can write a page-long sentence without blinking).
ReplyDeleteYes. I absolutely love the idea. I think the writing could be tightened just a little, but it doesn't really bother me a great deal. All in all, I can get over imperfect writing. But I can't get over a boring/overdone/unoriginal idea. And that's not a problem here. This drew me in immediately.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like that it is an understatement--very funny. It also implies conflict right up front; I would love to read a book about Death's Apprentice trying to be the Goddess of Love.
ReplyDeleteI think this is my favorite of all the opening lines posted here.
YES! Although I would get rid of the word 'short', the fact that this character is Death's apprentice really grabbed my attention. Good job!
ReplyDelete~Sarah F,
Yes! Cute- laughed at "short-listed for the next Goddess of Love opening".
ReplyDeleteNo, it's a little info-dumpy. Cool idea though.
ReplyDeleteNo. Only because I had to read it twice, and normally I wouldn't spend the time to do that. Too wordy, so it lost it's punch. However, once I did read it again it made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteNo. The phrase "never should have even been" is too clunky, although what's very strong is the juxtaposition of Death's apprentice and the goddess of love.
ReplyDeleteYes. It does read clunky, but it's certainly intriguing enough to make me read on.
ReplyDeleteOne thing quite important: "le petite mort" is actually incorrect French. (I speak French.) Petite, with an "e" at the end, is feminine, and "le" is masculine. To make the words correspond correctly, it should be "la petite mort."
:)
No, but I really want to like it and I think I would with a bit of tightening. It's just too much of a mouthful, but I LOVE the concept you're introducing here and I love the way you're telling us upfront what the story is and where it's likely to go. I know this is a story I'd enjoy, so it's a reluctant no.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'd read on about Death's apprentice, particularly if being nominiated for a role she flet wasn;t really her thing.
ReplyDeleteTo Juliana and author, the term is actually feminine, "la petite mort" and is an expression meaning orgasm (literally it means "the little death", so I'm not sure why it - um - came to mean that).
Yes.
ReplyDeleteSomeone being Death's apprentice sounds interesting, and then for her to be going to be a Goddess of Love sounds like a great conflict.
The first time I read through, I kind of scanned over the "even", and I do think it sounds better without that. Without seeing what comes after, I don't know if it would work saying "never should have been" without it, but I'm guessing it would.
Yes, this is definitely original. It made me chuckle. I do agree, however, with the comments about tightening the sentence structure.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm bored of stories of girls who think they're unworthy to be elevated to object-of-romantic-focus status and find themselves (always shockingly) there against their will and certainly without their trying.
ReplyDelete(But take it with a grain of salt since I don't like paranormal romance, so I'm not your target audience anyway.)
No. Sentence doesn't flow well.
ReplyDeletethe comma after the word 'that,' seemed strange also.
No.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence was awkward. Too many unnecessary words.
Yes, because I like the idea. But yeah, I'd definitely like to see it smoothed out, maybe something like "As Death's apprentice, Dede shouldn't have even been short listed to be the next Goddess of Love."
ReplyDeleteYes, but I agree the first sentence is clunky.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteLove the idea, but I had to read it so many times because it was too clunky. It comes here: "never should have even been" - huh?
I think you could easily fix this and make it very intriguing. Something like:
As Death's apprentice, Dede was fairly certain she should not have been short-listed for the next Goddess of Love opening.
No. I'm torn because the premise is intriguing, but the sentence itself needs reworking. So close! Just not quite there yet.
ReplyDeleteYes. I loved the hints of what is to come, but tighten the sentence a bit. Maybe something like:
ReplyDeleteAs Death's apprentice, Dede was unsure why she was chosen for the next Goddess of Love opening.
Really on the fence with this one. Yes for the idea, no for the execution. 'never should have even been' seems very wordy. I'd cut the 'even' for a start.
ReplyDeleteYes, but...
ReplyDeleteYes for the concept. Death's Apprentice? Short-listed for the Goddess of Love? Yes. But the sentence is awkward enough that I had to read it a couple of times, and I would be on high alert.