This creates conflict right away. If she's exaggerating, I want to know why she's having trouble sleeping. If she literally hasn't slept in three days, I want to see the effects of that, since it's very dangerous.
No. I'm on the fence here, though. I am curious why she hasn't slept, but I feel like the fact that she hasn't slept could be shown rather than told. Honestly it's hard to critique this without any more. If the next few sentences are great then this could be fine, but as it stands alone, it doesn't do it for me.
I was debating on this. If the second sentence was strong, it could carry it, but on its own it felt like maybe she was exaggerating rather than literally being sleepless for 3 days. I'm intrigued, but could you show it rather than tell us?
Yes. I'd read on only to find out why she hasn't slept. But it borders on maybe not for me. If the next sentence doesn't explain I probably wouldn't continue
Yes, but it's almost a no. I don't care yet about Emma and so I'm ready to be bored. However, she obviously has a problem so I'd read another sentence or two to find out more.
Here's my problem with these kinds of starters: The story isn't about the fact that Emma hasn't slept in three days. The story is about either what has interrupted her sleep or what happens because she hasn't slept. The line needs at least a teaser of that to get me interested.
Yes. I've had insomnia, and it sucks. I'd want to know why she hadn't slept. I'd read on to see the next sentence - if it was something good, I'd keep going.
Yes. I want to know why she hasn't been able to sleep. I'd at least read long enough to see if the reason was interesting. If it was, I'd keep going from there.
Yes. But, I'd hope that the next couple of sentences give an interesting or intriguing reason for the lack of sleep. It grabs me because obviously not sleeping that long is not normal, and I want to know why.
No. I think more is needed to set the opening scene. Alot of us go days without sleeping ....I know I have. So what makes this characters story different? Adding a little more hook will turn this around.
No. Too many reasons she might not have slept that are not interesting. Insomnia, new baby, new job - I think you need more specificity in the first line - something that leaves the reader wanting the second line.
No. I don't feel like I'm inside Emma's head (assuming she's your protagonist). Open showing Emma's fatigue, instead of telling us she hasn't slept in 3 days.
It's borderline, but I'm interested enough in "why?" to keep reading. And I like that it's a simple, clean sentence. Makes me think I'll enjoy the writing, that I won't get bogged down in unnecessary dependent clauses or excessive description.
Yes, but only if the next sentence grabbed me. This one is fine in the sense that it doesn't put me off, but it didn't really hook me, either.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd read ahead to find out why she couldn't sleep, but I need to know more in the next few sentences.
ReplyDeleteNo. There's no character or action here, so I'm afraid on it's own, this doesn't spark any interest for me.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI want to know why she hasn't slept.
Yes... but only because I'd expect the second sentence to explain why and grab me then. It doesn't put me off but it doesn't well on its own either.
ReplyDeleteYes, why?
ReplyDeleteYes. I want to know why she hasn't slept in three days.
ReplyDeleteYes. It immediately makes me curious to know WHY she hasn't slept in that long.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'd read the next sentence or two to see why but if that doesnt hook me this would turn into a no.
ReplyDeleteYes, it grabs me just enough to read on some more.
ReplyDeleteYes, although I'm on the fence. Your second sentence would need to be awfully grabby.
ReplyDeleteYes. I want to know why not, and you haven't bogged me down with unnecessary details, so I'm going to keep reading to find out.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteThis creates conflict right away. If she's exaggerating, I want to know why she's having trouble sleeping. If she literally hasn't slept in three days, I want to see the effects of that, since it's very dangerous.
No. I'm on the fence here, though. I am curious why she hasn't slept, but I feel like the fact that she hasn't slept could be shown rather than told. Honestly it's hard to critique this without any more. If the next few sentences are great then this could be fine, but as it stands alone, it doesn't do it for me.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteCurious what happens to someone who hasn't slept for three days.
No
ReplyDeleteI was debating on this. If the second sentence was strong, it could carry it, but on its own it felt like maybe she was exaggerating rather than literally being sleepless for 3 days. I'm intrigued, but could you show it rather than tell us?
Yes. It opens up a good question, but the next line better hint as to the answer.
ReplyDeleteNo. Strong sentence and I was on the fence, but I'd need more to be truly drawn in.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't know why this is special. It could be completely normal for this person.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'd read on only to find out why she hasn't slept. But it borders on maybe not for me. If the next sentence doesn't explain I probably wouldn't continue
ReplyDeleteYes, but that's a pretty tepid yes for an emotionless statement. The next sentence would have to be pretty good.
ReplyDeleteYes. Simple and it makes me wonder about your character -- this is a good start!
ReplyDeleteYes :) To find out what's keeping her from sleeping.
ReplyDeleteYes, but only barely. I need a little more reason- hopefully in the next sentence.
ReplyDeleteYes. I would keep reading because I want to know why she hasn't slept.
ReplyDeleteYes, but it's almost a no. I don't care yet about Emma and so I'm ready to be bored. However, she obviously has a problem so I'd read another sentence or two to find out more.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteSimply because I want to know why and that will keep me reading.
No.
ReplyDeleteHere's my problem with these kinds of starters: The story isn't about the fact that Emma hasn't slept in three days. The story is about either what has interrupted her sleep or what happens because she hasn't slept. The line needs at least a teaser of that to get me interested.
Yes. I'd read on a few more sentences to find out why.
ReplyDeleteYes. But only barely. It really depends on the next sentence.
ReplyDeleteYes. I've had insomnia, and it sucks. I'd want to know why she hadn't slept. I'd read on to see the next sentence - if it was something good, I'd keep going.
ReplyDeleteYes, because I want to know why.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't care about Emma yet. I need to sympathize with her.
ReplyDeleteYes. I want to know why she hasn't been able to sleep. I'd at least read long enough to see if the reason was interesting. If it was, I'd keep going from there.
ReplyDeleteNo. There are so many various reasons why a person may not have slept, that it's not enough to pull me in. I'm missing a sense of where this is going.
ReplyDeleteYES-- I can't imagine how awful that must be, and why she's suffered this way.
ReplyDeleteNo. It just seems like a relatively easy problem to solve: lie down and go to sleep then. If we knew why she couldn't sleep it might work, though.
ReplyDeleteYes. But, I'd hope that the next couple of sentences give an interesting or intriguing reason for the lack of sleep. It grabs me because obviously not sleeping that long is not normal, and I want to know why.
ReplyDeleteNo. Insomnia's such a common problem that this doesn't give me a strong sense of the character or the conflict.
ReplyDeleteYes, to finish the concept. Other interesting things need to happen quickly to make me keep reading.
ReplyDeleteNo. I think more is needed to set the opening scene. Alot of us go days without sleeping ....I know I have. So what makes this characters story different? Adding a little more hook will turn this around.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too many reasons she might not have slept that are not interesting. Insomnia, new baby, new job - I think you need more specificity in the first line - something that leaves the reader wanting the second line.
ReplyDeleteYes. I think it could be stronger, but it wouldn't stop me from reading. Maybe something like, "Three sleepless nights left Emma feeling..."
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't feel like I'm inside Emma's head (assuming she's your protagonist). Open showing Emma's fatigue, instead of telling us she hasn't slept in 3 days.
ReplyDeleteYes, mostly because it is a short sentence with enough of a hint at a problem to read on a bit. The next sentence will need to add more punch.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteIt's borderline, but I'm interested enough in "why?" to keep reading. And I like that it's a simple, clean sentence. Makes me think I'll enjoy the writing, that I won't get bogged down in unnecessary dependent clauses or excessive description.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteThere is enough here, a question of why?, that keeps me interested to find out more about this character.
Yes, but tentative. It did make me want to know why, but it was a bit generic.
ReplyDelete