TITLE: Heaven and Hell Alike
GENRE: Paranormal Fantasy
When Liam took over the body of a railroad worker fifty years ago, he hadn't realized he'd suffer from caffeine withdrawal every morning.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
Yes
ReplyDeleteBut almost no. 50 years seems like time enough to get used to something like caffeine desire upon waking. So, I am left wondering why after 50 years this is the most important thing. But, I would read on a bit to see where it was going.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteI like the quirkiness - even though I don't usually read paranormal, I like the idea of a supernatural creature dealing with everyday mortal struggles.
Yes, the idea is cute enough to draw me forward, even if the sentence itself could use some tightening.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't know exactly why other than caffeine withdrawal isn't something you suffer from every morning. You suffer for awhile, then it goes away (usually). It feels like that's thrown in to hook us into what's infinitely more interesting: that Liam has taken over a body, and it's a railroad worker - so I'd like to know more about that than the caffeine, then I'd say yes :)
ReplyDeleteYes, but I'm on the fence, the sentence is a little wordy.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI love the taking oer the body idea, but the caffeine withdrawl would pass, after fifty years.
Yes, but like some others, I'm waffling between yes and no. I think you could probably streamline this a bit to make it crisper.
ReplyDeleteYes, I still think it needs work but it's got action, emotion and gives me an idea of the voice.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the idea of him having taking over someone else's body almost 50 years ago, but i agree that the caffeine withdrawal isn't enough of a hook to make me think it lasted 50 years.
ReplyDeleteHowever, if it was something more ritualistic - the withdrawal of something that goes with caffeine like how the mc enjoyed it, that would make a big difference and add to voice.
Yes. I'm also wondering why the caffeine withdrawal doesn't go away, but the sentence intrigued me overall.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of the body switching but the caffeine withdrawal detail isn't enough to keep me reading.
No.
ReplyDeleteThis just leaves me confused. What does taking over the body of a railroad worker have to do with caffeine withdrawl? And has he been suffering from it for all fifty years since he did this because that sounds a little bit impossible?
Yes.
ReplyDeleteTo see what happens next.
Yes. Taking over another person' body is intriging. However, I'm wondering why the caffeine addiction has lasted fifty years.
ReplyDeleteYes but I'm on the fence as well - the sentence needs to be tightened.
ReplyDeleteI'm addicted enough to caffeine to take the rest at face value.
Yes. It's kind of quirky, and it's already got a pretty decent voice.
ReplyDeleteNo. After being in someone for 50 years you'd either get used to caffeine withdrawals or they would go away. I don't think they would continue to bother someone for so long. However, I do like the premise of taking over a body and would be pulled to learn more about that.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIntrigued by the posession thing, but the implausibility of a 50 year caffeine addition is overpowered by the boredom of working on the railroad for 50 years. It might be more interesting to know Liam's opinion on that!
Yes.
ReplyDeleteI love anything with intrigue in the first line.
No. The sentence is cumbersome and awkward (imo).
ReplyDeleteYes. While the line doesn't exactly hook me, it's amusing enough that I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteNo. Needs to be crisper.
ReplyDeleteYes but barely. The immediacy of the story is watered down by the '50 years ago'
ReplyDeleteYes! I get a sense of the story's direction right away, and I like the wry humor.
ReplyDeleteYes. I assume that because he still feels the withdrawal, that he feeds that addiction every day (or it wouldn't continue). I like the thought of a demon or ghost feeling the mundane withdrawals of the body it took. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm curious. But the next few lines would have to be good to keep me going with it.
ReplyDeleteNo. This feels to me like a sentence that should come later on the first page. Maybe it could start with him feeling the familiar feeling of caffeine withdrawal when he wakes up? Although I'm a bit confused, because if this has been going on for 50 years, I'd kind think he'd be used to it by now.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
No.
ReplyDeleteMostly personal preference. Possession doesn't really excite me and a caffeine addicted railroad worker doesn't either. I'd like to know more about Liam because I think he's the one I'd care about. I want to feel something and this one just doesn't grab me. That doesn't mean it's wrong, just that it isn't for me.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteBut a weak one.
The "When blah, blah, blah fifty years again, he hadn't blah, blah, blah" construction makes this feel like the tagline for a book about a coffee addiction rather than the beginning of a compelling scene.
Still, I liked the concept of a [whatever] powerful enough to possess someone but still chained to a coffee cup every morning to keep reading.
I would try to keep the idea of the opening but rework the sentence so that the reader feel more a part of the moment and not like she's being told about things that happened way back when.
My initial reaction is Yes, so that's my vote. It initially made me laugh, and I certainly would have read on.
ReplyDeleteHowever, as I look at it more closely, it does raise some plausibility questions. (Why caffiene withdrawal for fifty years, why is caffiene such a big deal, etc.) I have a feeling an agent or editor would change it. So keep that in mind.
No. Not compelling.
ReplyDeleteNo. I think it was trying to be funny, but fell a little flat for me.
ReplyDeleteYes. To me the point was that taking over someone's body isn't always what it's cracked up to be! I didn't have a problem with the caffeine addiction, because I've known many, many people (who aren't body snatchers even) that get caffeine headaches every day before their first cuppa. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteYes. Very funny. Also I'm assuming Liam suffers only until he drinks that morning cup.
ReplyDeleteYes, but it was almost too much info for the first line. Still, I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteYes!
ReplyDeleteI've read this before around the blogosphere and it hooked me then, too. I know nothing about caffeine addiction, though, so I can't comment on plausibility. I laughed. Laughing is good. :)
No. If he took the body over 50 years ago, why is he just noticing the caffeine withdrawal now? Plus, I found myself checking out the title, figuring that Liam must be a demon and then wondering what sort of demon was called Liam.
ReplyDeleteYes. It's a little bit awkward and not altogether there for me, but I'm still interested about where this is going.
ReplyDeleteNo. The voice is too passive, and you are not pulling me into the story.
ReplyDeleteYes. It could be tightened, but I really, really like it. :) It's very intriguing and something I can definitely relate to.
ReplyDeleteYes, because I like the humor. It's a little disorienting with the "fifty years ago" part, though, and I wonder if that detail could be saved for the next sentence?
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm also confused about the caffeine and disoriented in time.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteIt made me laugh, and now I want to know about who's taking over bodies, and why.
Yes. Interesting quirk on the usual body-snatching theme. Though thinking about it, fifty years of caffeine withdrawal?
ReplyDeleteYes. I am hooked! I want to know how he took over another persons body,and why he would suffer caffeine withdrawel?
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteSo he's been suffering from withdrawl for fifty years? That doesn't seem believable to me.
Yes. I like the voice, although I'm similarly a little confused as the other commenters why he is suffering caffeine w/d for 50years. Then again, in fantasy, you make the rules. Maybe a paranormal taking over a body never adjusts to it. If this were explained in the next sentences I think it's fine.
ReplyDeleteNo. I agree with others - 50 years is a long time to have caffeine withdrawal, and why can't the railroad worker have caffeine, anyway?
ReplyDeleteNo. If the story started when Liam took over the body I'd be intrigued, but after 50 years, I'm wondering what is going to be new about this particular moment. Plus, of all the things that could be a problem when taking over a body, caffeine withdrawal seems among the less interesting, at least to me.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice. Also, regarding the caffeine: instantly relatable. My first thought was: 50 years? But then my next thought was: maybe once Liam takes over a body, it stays exactly how it was when the last soul left it, so he's stuck with caffeine withdrawal forever. This is paranormal, after all. See, you got me thinking, with just once sentence.
No.
ReplyDeleteMaybe if you said "caffeine craving" instead of "caffeine withdrawal," it would resolve some of the plausibility issues, but even so, that's too a trivial problem to hook me.
Yes was my initial reaction, because it was quirky and funny. But I agree with everyone else that caffeine withdrawal, even cravings, for 50 years is unlikely. I've heard some people say they still have nicotine cravings after many years, though.
ReplyDelete