YES. This sounds funny, and it's got seagulls being disgusting, which tells me at least one (set of) supporting character(s) is characterized realistically. Seriously, I'd read on to find out who, what, where. Good tone and the announcement of mystery to come.
Yes. Love the intrigue. Who's the dead man? Why are people just letting him lie there while seagulls are pecking at his eyes? Who's this hardened chick that while she doesn't *like* watching seagulls pecking at a dead guy, she certainly doesn't seem overly distressed about it? Awesome.
No. "Gooey remnants" is just a bit too grotesque for me in the opening line. Maybe leave a little bit more to the imagination here before diving into the gruesome (which I have no problem with.. I just personally think for the first line, the shock value is too much).
This is really close but her reaction seems off. This is a dead man and all she can think of are the seagulls eating his eyes? And why is she just standing there watching?
Maybe. It's a fantastic sentence but I'm not a fan of gross, especially not up-front. And nothing sexy a sexy romance is imminent like eyeballs for breakfast?
I'd probably read on a little bit, but if the squick factor didn't get turned down soon, I'd walk away.
no. There is too much sensationalism in this sentence. Titillating but unnecessary. Maybe 'trying too hard' is the better explanation for how this makes me feel.
No. It isn't the reaction I'd expect from anyone other than the murderer or a CSI-type, hardened investigator. Since the reaction is off, I don't have confidence in the voice.
No. I don't think it's a bad opening, but it doesn't set me in the mood for a romance.
To explain better, if this were the first line to a mystery or even an urban fantasy, I'd be hooked. But since it's the first line for a paranormal romance, it doesn't feel like it fits the genre to me.
No. Too flippant. Might have worked without the 'gooey' - but the other reason this doesn't work is that this wouldn't be ANYONE'S idea of a good way to start the day.
YES--I love how visual and graphic this sentence is. It gives me a clear picture, and the diction gives me immediate sense of the tone. I'd love to read more!
YES Love the gooey eyeball remnants.It's a great description and it SHOULD gross you out! The fact that Jayda is so blaze` about it shows that this isn't her first dead body, (I'm assuming). I'd spend more time with this character. I'd read on.
No. This was close, but the tone didn't seem to fit the situation, unless this character is very, VERY jaded. I mean, needing clinical help jaded. Think through how the character would realistically be felling. If this feeling is accurate to the character, then you need to explain it very quickly or you'll lose us.
Loved it! This is just my kind of story...but how about "wasn't Jayda Swenson's idea of a good time." I think you can tell us whether it's day or night later, and it's a little shorter/snappier. Great! Ninja Girl
I want to know why she's focusing on the sea gulls instead of the dead body which says A LOT about her character in just one sentence. Her reaction intrigues me.
No, though it's a close call. I feel like I've read the understated "this horrible situation was not the Main Character's idea of a good time" line before. It just needed some other twist, though I did think "gooey remnants" was funny.
I'm assuming you're going for a bit of shock value, and I appreciated the graphic description of gulls eating gooey eyeballs. I like that the description doubles for scene setting on the coast. I'm also assuming she's seen dead bodies before and this is no shocker, which tells me about her character.
My only nit is that "wasn't _____'s idea of a good way to start the day" is cliche and is glaring next to the previous, more creative visual. I'd like to see something more original there.
Yes. I am sitting here wondering what on Earth would make a girl say that. ??? As for the gross factor, it's paranormal, so I'm good it. The idea that it's not a good way to start the day made me laugh because it is such a mundane phrase that's in reference to something that I (and most people) don't consider to be mundane in any way.
No. It is gross, but that's not a total deal breaker. However, I don't think that's anyone's idea of a good way to start the day. It doesn't grab me enough to overcome the gross-factor. I think there's another way you could start the scene that would draw in a broader audience.
No. It's really close, but the first line of a paranormal romance, not a comedy and the mood this sets doesn't feel very romantic to me.
A first line usually tells me what to expect from the rest of the book and sets the tone. This set up makes me wonder if I'm going to like this narrator at all. I mean, I wouldn't be worrying about whether seeing a corpse having his eyeballs eaten was ruining MY day if I found one. Also, ew!
Yes. Jayda's (apparent) apathy over the dead guy kinda reminds me of Evie's reaction to the vampire in the beginning of Paranormalcy. I'm definitely intrigued! I want to know if this is an every day occurrence, why she's there, the questions never end!
No. Usually gruesome imagery doesn't bother me, but this is a bit much. I mean, EYES! If it were anything else, hand, arm, toes, it might be okay. Not anything. I'd stay away from the face.
YES. Gooey remnants is such a great sensory phrase! Yes, it made me squirm but that's the point. I'm reading ANNA DRESSED IN BLOOD and this is in that vein: gory but with a sense of humor.
Yes. Because even though I'm thinking "ick ick ick" I want to know more about this dead body, and why Jayda is there. If you're brave enough to open the story with something like this then I think I'd like what else is going to be in there.
Yes. I'm not usually a fan of opening lines that have "X was not my idea of a good way to start the day" but you have some great visuals here and a great voice - I'm hooked!
Yes-- I was on the fence here- I really don't like the word gooey in this at all. It sounds amateurish, like you're trying too hard. I think the sentence would pack more punch if you took it out. Also, I wouldn't include her last name. Something like "Watching seagulls peck at the remnants of a dead man's eyes wasn't Jayda's idea of a good way to start the day." just a suggestion! Good luck!
No. Looks like folks are really divided on this one!
For me, it read like trying too hard. Although I was interested to find out how someone could be so jaded/flippant about being so close to a dead guy. Is she CSI? Or used to seeing bodies pile up for another reason. For an opening line, though, it made me wonder how graphic it was going to get, to turned me off a bit.
YES. This sounds funny, and it's got seagulls being disgusting, which tells me at least one (set of) supporting character(s) is characterized realistically. Seriously, I'd read on to find out who, what, where. Good tone and the announcement of mystery to come.
ReplyDeleteYes! It sets me in a place, has voice, and promises something interesting. Love the word choice with "gooey."
ReplyDeleteYes
ReplyDeleteBecause nothing says romance like seagulls picking on the goooey eyes of a dead man.
Yes. Sets a good tone with the word choice and has voice.
ReplyDeleteYes. Love the intrigue. Who's the dead man? Why are people just letting him lie there while seagulls are pecking at his eyes? Who's this hardened chick that while she doesn't *like* watching seagulls pecking at a dead guy, she certainly doesn't seem overly distressed about it? Awesome.
ReplyDeleteNo. This crosses the line in my ability to look past the gross - especially right at the beginning of a story.
ReplyDeleteYes. I want to know why Jayda is watching this at the beginning of the day and how she even found the dead guy in the first place.
ReplyDeleteYes, how long has he been dead?
ReplyDeleteYes, it's almost funny because it seems she's more concerned with the seagulls pecking out the eyes than the fact that she's near a dead man.
ReplyDeleteYes. Great visual, good sense of voice.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteBut, I think it does go a bit overboard. And also, I don't think this is anyone's idea of a good day!
No. It's a fantastic sentence, but the gross factor would turn me off personally as a reader.
ReplyDeleteNo. "Gooey remnants" is just a bit too grotesque for me in the opening line. Maybe leave a little bit more to the imagination here before diving into the gruesome (which I have no problem with.. I just personally think for the first line, the shock value is too much).
ReplyDeleteYes, while it's bordering on trying too hard and stating the obvious, it gives me a good visual and I hear the voice in there.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the tone and voice here and read on to see how this leads to a romance.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThis is really close but her reaction seems off. This is a dead man and all she can think of are the seagulls eating his eyes? And why is she just standing there watching?
Yes.
ReplyDeleteGreat visual and you've set up the voice nicely.
Yes. Great visual and voice.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteThe gross factor aside, which would put me off immediately, she's standing there in front of a decaying body and she's focusing on the seagulls?
Maybe. It's a fantastic sentence but I'm not a fan of gross, especially not up-front. And nothing sexy a sexy romance is imminent like eyeballs for breakfast?
ReplyDeleteI'd probably read on a little bit, but if the squick factor didn't get turned down soon, I'd walk away.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteBut that's cuz it doesn't sound like a romance! You might turn off your expected readers though.
Yes. It's gross, funny, and intriguing. Good imagery.
ReplyDeleteno.
ReplyDeleteThere is too much sensationalism in this sentence. Titillating but unnecessary. Maybe 'trying too hard' is the better explanation for how this makes me feel.
No, not for the genre. If it was a mystery, oh yeah. But, this sounds like the beginning to a murder mystery, not a romance--even paranormal.
ReplyDeleteNo. It isn't the reaction I'd expect from anyone other than the murderer or a CSI-type, hardened investigator. Since the reaction is off, I don't have confidence in the voice.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteGross.
Yeah - I like the shock value. Works for me - kudos for being brave!
ReplyDeleteNo. Too gross and definitely not the tone I'd expect to be set for a paranormal romance.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't think it's a bad opening, but it doesn't set me in the mood for a romance.
ReplyDeleteTo explain better, if this were the first line to a mystery or even an urban fantasy, I'd be hooked. But since it's the first line for a paranormal romance, it doesn't feel like it fits the genre to me.
No. Too flippant. Might have worked without the 'gooey' - but the other reason this doesn't work is that this wouldn't be ANYONE'S idea of a good way to start the day.
ReplyDeleteYes- a litte gory to start, but there's some good tension there
ReplyDeleteYES--I love how visual and graphic this sentence is. It gives me a clear picture, and the diction gives me immediate sense of the tone. I'd love to read more!
ReplyDeleteYes, gruesome and funny both! Great voice.
ReplyDeleteNo, sorry. It's TOO graphic for me, I'm wondering how much gore is further along in the story.
ReplyDeleteYES Love the gooey eyeball remnants.It's a great description and it SHOULD gross you out! The fact that Jayda is so blaze` about it shows that this isn't her first dead body, (I'm assuming). I'd spend more time with this character. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteYes. The visual is great and I definitely want to know why she seems more resigned than horrified.
ReplyDeleteYes! Love the questions this brings up.
ReplyDeleteNo. This was close, but the tone didn't seem to fit the situation, unless this character is very, VERY jaded. I mean, needing clinical help jaded. Think through how the character would realistically be felling. If this feeling is accurate to the character, then you need to explain it very quickly or you'll lose us.
ReplyDeleteLoved it! This is just my kind of story...but how about "wasn't Jayda Swenson's idea of a good time." I think you can tell us whether it's day or night later, and it's a little shorter/snappier.
ReplyDeleteGreat!
Ninja Girl
No, but that's just because I'm squeamish! If that's the first sentence, I probably can't handle what's coming later in the book.
ReplyDeleteYES.
ReplyDeleteI want to know why she's focusing on the sea gulls instead of the dead body which says A LOT about her character in just one sentence. Her reaction intrigues me.
No, though it's a close call. I feel like I've read the understated "this horrible situation was not the Main Character's idea of a good time" line before. It just needed some other twist, though I did think "gooey remnants" was funny.
ReplyDeleteYes. It has voice and I want to know why she's watching something she clearly doesn't want to watch.
ReplyDeleteNo, but it's close. I didn't think you need to describe the eyes and the characters detachment bothered me a bit.
ReplyDeleteNo. Just a personal taste thing. The sentence is well-written.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming you're going for a bit of shock value, and I appreciated the graphic description of gulls eating gooey eyeballs. I like that the description doubles for scene setting on the coast. I'm also assuming she's seen dead bodies before and this is no shocker, which tells me about her character.
My only nit is that "wasn't _____'s idea of a good way to start the day" is cliche and is glaring next to the previous, more creative visual. I'd like to see something more original there.
Yes. I am sitting here wondering what on Earth would make a girl say that. ??? As for the gross factor, it's paranormal, so I'm good it. The idea that it's not a good way to start the day made me laugh because it is such a mundane phrase that's in reference to something that I (and most people) don't consider to be mundane in any way.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIt is gross, but that's not a total deal breaker. However, I don't think that's anyone's idea of a good way to start the day. It doesn't grab me enough to overcome the gross-factor. I think there's another way you could start the scene that would draw in a broader audience.
No. Too gross. Doesn't really set me up for enjoying a romance.
ReplyDeleteNo. Like others have said, it's just too icky. Especially for a romance.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'd probably read the first page, but... Ew, Gross!
ReplyDeleteYes! There's a dead man's body. What's going on and what does it have to do with Jayda?
ReplyDelete~Sarah F.
Yes! Funny and shocking.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's really close, but the first line of a paranormal romance, not a comedy and the mood this sets doesn't feel very romantic to me.
ReplyDeleteA first line usually tells me what to expect from the rest of the book and sets the tone. This set up makes me wonder if I'm going to like this narrator at all. I mean, I wouldn't be worrying about whether seeing a corpse having his eyeballs eaten was ruining MY day if I found one. Also, ew!
Yes (even though it completely grossed me out). Lots of interesting things going on, here.
ReplyDeleteNo. I wasn't grossed out, but I felt the "not a good way to start the day" was forced.
ReplyDeleteYes. Jayda's (apparent) apathy over the dead guy kinda reminds me of Evie's reaction to the vampire in the beginning of Paranormalcy. I'm definitely intrigued! I want to know if this is an every day occurrence, why she's there, the questions never end!
ReplyDeleteNo. Usually gruesome imagery doesn't bother me, but this is a bit much. I mean, EYES! If it were anything else, hand, arm, toes, it might be okay. Not anything. I'd stay away from the face.
ReplyDeleteYES. Gooey remnants is such a great sensory phrase! Yes, it made me squirm but that's the point. I'm reading ANNA DRESSED IN BLOOD and this is in that vein: gory but with a sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteyes, but not YES. I like the juxtaposition of a gross opening visual with the reader's possible expectation of something romantic.
ReplyDeleteNo, sorry. Not a badly written line, but the, er, gooeyness is a turnoff to me.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteBecause even though I'm thinking "ick ick ick" I want to know more about this dead body, and why Jayda is there. If you're brave enough to open the story with something like this then I think I'd like what else is going to be in there.
Yes. Seagulls pecking at a dead man's eyes....yuk! makes me wonder what happened to this man? how did he die? ...very unique and caught my attention!
ReplyDeleteNo. The attempt at humor just didn't grab me.
ReplyDeleteYes, but with this caveat: I think gooey is not needed. It's a great word but not here.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm not usually a fan of opening lines that have "X was not my idea of a good way to start the day" but you have some great visuals here and a great voice - I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like the visual I got. Too graphic for my taste. I don't really care for going 'eeewww' right off the bat.
No. It doesn't seem like a great first sentence for a romance. Plus, it feels like something I've seen before.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThe flippancy made the character too unlikable for me.
Yes-- I was on the fence here- I really don't like the word gooey in this at all. It sounds amateurish, like you're trying too hard. I think the sentence would pack more punch if you took it out. Also, I wouldn't include her last name. Something like "Watching seagulls peck at the remnants of a dead man's eyes wasn't Jayda's idea of a good way to start the day." just a suggestion! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteNo. Looks like folks are really divided on this one!
ReplyDeleteFor me, it read like trying too hard. Although I was interested to find out how someone could be so jaded/flippant about being so close to a dead guy. Is she CSI? Or used to seeing bodies pile up for another reason. For an opening line, though, it made me wonder how graphic it was going to get, to turned me off a bit.