TITLE: Degrees of Broken
GENRE: Contemporary YA
Small talk and new girl status were never my strong suits in the talent portion of school; my sense of humor tended to weird out with the pressure.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
No. I couldn't quite grasp the intention right away. It is too wordy and a little choppy. Your title is killer, though and shows the great promise of your work. The title alone is a great stand out. :)
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteI was likewise confused. It's like too many thoughts looking for a place to land.
No.
ReplyDeleteThis is too much for one line. Try to concentrate on one thing and I'd recommend you show it rather than state it. For example, is she trying to make small talk and screwing it up royally because she keeps making bad jokes? If so, that would be more powerful if you show us this happen rather than tell us.
No. "The talent portion of school" feels forced. What does being a new girl have to do with talent? And I'm not sure what "weird out with the pressure" means. (Agree that the title is catchy though!)
ReplyDeleteNo. There's too much information crammed in too small a space. If it were tighter, I might read more without worrying whether the whole book was like this.
ReplyDeleteNo. The "talent portion of school" is kind of awkward, as is the "tended to weird out with the pressure." I kind of think I know what you mean, but I'm not sure.
ReplyDeleteNo, I just don't care she's the new girl and has no talent.
ReplyDeleteNo. Also confused by "talent portion of school" and "weird out with the pressure." I think you're trying for a hip voice, but right now it's just coming out confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteHow do the two connect? I don't see it. It's also confusing. At first, I thought this was a talent contest. It sounds like you're trying to be clever, but you miss the mark. That said, there is a voice there, which is nice, but I think it needs work.
No. I think this piece has potential for voice but I'm confused as to how "new girl status" is a skill. Isn't that just a state of being? You're the new girl or you're not. You can't do anything to change it.
ReplyDeleteNo, too long, too random. I sense the voice of the mc trying to get out but it's tripped up by too many words. I think it can be tightened up and made much stronger while still keeping the general idea there.
ReplyDeleteNo. There's too much going on. The voice is there but it's buried under the words.
ReplyDeleteNo. Couldn't quite follow what was being said here. The 'in the talent portion of school' is what is really tripping me up.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThe wording was very awkward and it took me a bit to understand what was being said.
I don't know how to say this less harshly, but the sentence sort of...didn't make any sense. Sorry.
No
ReplyDeleteToo many things going on for one sentence. It's almost a cheat to use a semi-colon ;) Show us how her sense of humor fails, don't just tell us.
No.
ReplyDeleteAs stated above, no idea how any of these things connect.
Yes. It's confusing and that's not ideal, but I think I get what you're trying to do and I'd keep reading for a least a little bit to find out more.
ReplyDeleteNo. Unfortunately, it was too confusing. I'm not sure what you mean by the talent portion of school. I think the sentence would be better without it. The second half could use some tightening up. People are usually under pressure and weird out is an awkward phrase.
ReplyDeleteNo, I don't know where you're going and it's a bit convoluted and difficult to read.
ReplyDeleteNo. This sentence doesn't make sense to me.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much telling and not enough showing.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteThe "talent portion" tripped me up too much. The sentence doesn't flow smoothly for me.
No. As others said, I wouldn't start with a semicolon. Just make the independent clauses as different sentences. Also, the idea of "new girl status" being a talent was confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much, and too passive. (And this is telling, not showing.)
ReplyDeleteYes- I like the voice and the character is immediately in an uncomfortable position.
ReplyDeleteNo. I was confused.
ReplyDeleteI liked the second clause in this sentence a lot - it shows discomfort and a glimmer of character. Perhaps consider removing everything before the semicolon?
ReplyDeleteNo. I really want to sympathize with this character, but the syntax here is too confusing for me.
ReplyDeleteNo. I get where you're going with this, but the sentence structure threw me off. I like the idea of her sense of humor weirding out. Maybe start with an example of something inappropriate she says and then go into her "new girl status."
ReplyDeleteNo. Small talk could be considered a talent, I suppose, but new girl status really can't, and I don't love the phrase "talent portion of school"; it makes it sound like the MC goes to a performing arts school, and I don't think that's where you're going with this. As for the second part of the sentence, I'd much rather see a scene where his or her weird sense of humor under pressure is revealed than be told about it.
ReplyDeleteI like the ideas here, but the execution of the sentence just doesn't work for me. Good luck.
No. As others have mentioned, the "new girl status" and "talent portion of school" feel like they're trying too hard. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't get it. what's "the talent portion of school"? how can her sense of humor "weird out"
ReplyDeleteNo. Because we're being told (and it could be smoother). That said, I think I could get on board with this character quickly with a cleaner start.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI get a sense of a good YA voice here, but the sentence was just too confusing. I don't know what "talent portion of school" means. I think I understand what you're trying to say with "weird out with the pressure"--that she has a good sense of humor but it backfires when she's under pressure--but this phrase doesn't quite convey it right.
Aside from all of that, I think you might be starting this in the wrong place. "New girl is awkward" isn't exactly the most original idea in the world, so this story should start at the point where the situation becomes unique and where I'll really be interested.
No, and I feel bad saying that because I feel that if you reworked your sentence, it'd be a grabber. I think it could be funny and cute, but it's too klutzy at the moment. Sorry- please keep trying!
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteToo many stories have the same set up - awkward new girl - and I'd like to see more of what makes your story different right up front. I'm sure it's a wonderful story, so let that parts that are different shine!
No. Too much going on here for me, and these statements are somewhat vague. I could use something more specific to anchor me in the character.
ReplyDeleteYes. I liked the painful honesty at the tail end. "Talent portion of school" was a little clunky. Could you cut?
ReplyDeleteNo, but this is a good example of the concept working but the words not. Try again and gimme more.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm sorry. I can see what you're trying to do with it and with some more thought it could work. For me, new girl isn't a talent. Also "...sense of humor tended to weird out with the pressure." Is confusing. I'm still not quite sure what that meant.
ReplyDeleteNo. I want to like this, but I'm just a little bit too confused.
ReplyDeleteNo. I had to read it twice and still don't understand.
ReplyDeleteNo. Actually, I like the idea you're getting at (this narrator's predicament is something I feel like a lot of readers can relate to), but the idea--that the new girl in school would at first feel awkward in sharing her humor--is a pretty common one. It would be a great line to throw in somewhere in the next few chapters, but as the first line I wasn't that caught. I like the voice, though; maybe it's a matter of finding the right situation for the narrator to use her voice! :)
ReplyDeleteNo. It seems to me like you're trying to hard. Like others who posted, I find "...the talent portion of school" to be a little confusing. I was able to figure out what you were trying to say, but I had to think about it. Likewise, I get what you're saying with "...weird out with the pressure." But again, I had to think about it. It's a strange phrase. Ths sentence makes me think your book will be full of strange, jarring phrases that I don't quite get at first.
ReplyDeleteYes. Could picture the MC. This line could also be shortened and still be effectively evocotaive for me.
ReplyDeleteNo. Needs to be tightened. Confused to why the character is under pressure. This line may work elsewhere in the story but not as an opening.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much fluff. Maybe - Adaptation has never been my strong suit and today is no different.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm not quite sure what she is talking about.
ReplyDeleteNo. But with tweaking it can work. Simplifying to: "Small talk was never my strong suit" works. Then, "My sense of humor tended to weird out other kids..." etc. I think you have the framework here.
ReplyDeleteNo. As others said, it's too much. I like what you're trying to get across though, with a little tweaking, I think you'll have it!
ReplyDeleteNo. I have no idea what the 2nd half of that sentence means. And how can "new girl status" be a talent?
ReplyDeleteI think you meant that small talk wasn't her strong suit, especially while under the pressure of being a new student. It's just really unclear.
Yes - I think.
ReplyDeleteImpressive how much the voice of your MC is present in just this one sentence. I like her already. That's why I said yes to being hooked.
However - Like others, I'm not crazy about presenting being a new girl as a talent. If this classification is consistent with your MCs view on life and I get to see that as the story goes on, then I could be okay with it. If it ends up being simply an author device for letting us know she's a new girl, then I'm not going to be a happy reader.
No. I'd prefer a start that showed us a specific example of the MC weirding out.
ReplyDeleteNo, the sentence is confusing. I'm not sure what's going on. I think you'd do better with putting us into the scene. Show her under pressure and how she weirds out. This is a very relatable problem and I'd like to see her reaction.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have any trouble understanding what you meant to convey, but it didn't seem to be worded in the best possible way. As others have said, small talk is something you make (well or poorly), and new girl status is something you have. They don't belong in the same list.
I'm torn about the semi-colon. I'm a fan of that underused punctuation mark, and you seem to have used it correctly, but as someone else mentioned, it felt like cheating: two sentences instead of one.