No. "At what's got to be" might be part of the MC's voice, but it doesn't make me want to hear any more of that voice. And the name "Trolp" is a bit hard to hear in my head.
No, I see what the author is trying to do but give us something else, slanted at the same angle as his bow tie, slanted at the same angle of his awkward posture.
The 40 degree angle thing throws me off. It sounds too mature plus I can't see it in my head because I'm stuck trying to figure out what the angle is being compared to. I'd suggest you use something like "slanted toward the floor like a ..."
No - but it was a "Maybe" for me. The blackboard and teacher name seems to generic, but the second half of the sentence does keep me curious. This was close, but I'm not sure how to fix it.
No. It feels like its trying really hard to tell me something important beyond a name written on a board, but I don't have time to puzzle out what that might be.
Yes. I'd read on! It painted a vivid picture for me and "at what's got to be" gave it a voice. I caught myself tilting my head trying to read TROLP at a 40 degree angle on the second read. :)
Not quite. I felt like this was a little too forced to show the MC's nerdiness. That could come a little slower. I think I'd have more fun if she fun of his name.
I was slightly disappointed to have a Sci-fi MG story start with such a mundane visual as letters on a whiteboard, and I spent too much time trying to figure out how writing at a 40-degree angle is even possible. Is it upside down? It would be more interesting if Trolp wrote his name upside down, and easier to visualize if you just said that.
Otherwise, it is the sort of humorous observation an MG protagonist would make.
No. I think you have a great start, but the angle threw me too. I always get hung up on specific measurements (...the house stood 40 yards from my shoes). I can't figure out why the specific slant of the letter is important. I think something with more grounding might work better. But since I don't know your story or your MC, it might be a part of his/her character and might be important.
Yes. The angle thing is odd, but I'm assuming that this kid is a bit odd. I want to know more about him/her. However, if noticing the angle doesn't end up being telling about the kind of kid this is, I'd be bummed and stop reading.
Love the title! Kind of wish the first sentence held that same fun/quirky yet smart feel to it. I smiled when I read the title and was hoping to laugh out loud at the first line. Good try, but since you were able to think up such a great title, I think you can do better ;) Ninja Girl
No. I think there's a neat image in here, but as it's currently written I'm not hooked.
It feels almost passive because I can't tell who is speaking. I can't tell the POV from this sentence and it leaves me feeling unsure about what I'm going to read.
No. I have no reason to care about the teacher's handwriting. This gives no sense of the MC other than perhaps he/she loves math and angles? As someone who doesn't get along with numbers, this is a bit of a turn off for me.
No. It's not really all that abnormal for a teacher to write his name slanted, is it? For science fiction, I would think there would be something far more unusual or intriguing to mention up front.
No. Not as it is, because of the 40 degree remark. I was definitely wondering why the teacher's name was sloping down the whiteboard though. If you could find a way to describe it that wasn't quite as technical, I would probably change my answer to yes.
Yes, but in this case I'd tweak the wording a little bit. It's a long sentence, and I'm not sure if we need the teacher's name. Also I'd remove "what must be," to make the angle thing stronger.
No. But it was a close one. The only reason it's a no is because I could think of a lot of reasons why the letters would be slanting, but I couldn't figure out which was right. I think this line does make us wonder (which is why it's close) but not in a way that hooks, entirely. Really close though.
No. I think it would work as an early sentence, but maybe not so good as the first one. It just doesn't grab my attention much, doesn't give me anything that I have to read on to learn more about. I don't really read much MG, though.
No. Seems like it's going for funny/quirky, but I'm not getting it. Also, I'm struggling to picture the 40 degree angle. Might be more effective to compare the angle to something specific... the letters "slant toward the floor like...."
No. There wasn't anything in this first line to hook me, all we learn about is the teacher's name written on the blackboard, no insight into the protagonist.
No. I had trouble understanding it. TROLP jumped out and screamed for a stop after it. I'd reorganize the phrasing- the letters on the whiteboard slant to toward the floor at a angle spelling TROLP. Other than that, I'm OK with it- I'm guessing this is some genius, detail obessessed MC and that fits the title.
It took a lot of effort to picture what you were saying, and afterward, I didn't know why it mattered. (And I'm still not sure I got it right. Is each letter slanted, the way cursive letters slant, or is the whole row sloping downhill, the way they sometimes do when you write on unlined paper?)
Also, there seemed to be a lot of words I'm not sure you need. "Towards the floor" and "what's got to be." It would read more smoothly without those phrases slowing it down.
Urgh, though, because I was really on the fence about this one. It sounds a bit quirky, but also trying too hard to be quirky. I didn't get the "what's got to be" - if he's a math nerd, wouldn't he just say it right out?
"The large block letters of MR TROLP's name are written at a 40˚ angle."
or even
"Mr. Trolp writes his name on the whiteboard at a 40˚ angle."
No
ReplyDeleteAs a geometric illiterate, I don't know what 40 degrees means (can't visualize it).
No. Sorry, but I had to read this four times before I understood what it meant.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too many words and it seems a bit of an unnecessary start to a story.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI can see the image but I don't immediately see what's so important or unique about it.
No. It's an unwieldy opening that doesn't really draw me forward.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteTrying to be quirky, but missing the mark. There is some voice there, but not enough for me to want to read on.
No. "At what's got to be" might be part of the MC's voice, but it doesn't make me want to hear any more of that voice. And the name "Trolp" is a bit hard to hear in my head.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm thinking a screwball of a teacher and class will be fun.
ReplyDeleteNo, it's too loaded and I don't get a sense of what the story may be about. Who's talking? Why is this important?
ReplyDeleteNo, I see what the author is trying to do but give us something else, slanted at the same angle as his bow tie, slanted at the same angle of his awkward posture.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI can see it, I like the image, but as a first sentence, it doesn't work. It seems like a passing detail, not a setup for some sort of action.
No. It doesn't incite enough curiosity for me.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThe 40 degree angle thing throws me off. It sounds too mature plus I can't see it in my head because I'm stuck trying to figure out what the angle is being compared to. I'd suggest you use something like "slanted toward the floor like a ..."
Yes, it has a nice MG tone to it.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't get why the letters slanting at a 40 degree angle is a big deal.
ReplyDeleteNo. It was a little awkward to me. The reference to the angle throws me. Is it referring to the letters? If so, how do they slant towards the floor?
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm on the fence. In the end, I like the voice, so I'm saying yes.
ReplyDeleteNo - but it was a "Maybe" for me. The blackboard and teacher name seems to generic, but the second half of the sentence does keep me curious. This was close, but I'm not sure how to fix it.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteI'm stuck trying to visualize what a 40 degree angle looks like instead of getting a feel for the character.
No. It feels like its trying really hard to tell me something important beyond a name written on a board, but I don't have time to puzzle out what that might be.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'd want to know what's up that the teacher couldn't write his own name correctly.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'd read on! It painted a vivid picture for me and "at what's got to be" gave it a voice. I caught myself tilting my head trying to read TROLP at a 40 degree angle on the second read. :)
ReplyDeleteNo. I really wanted to like this, but it just didn't work for me. Too much info, too little purpose.
ReplyDeleteNot quite. I felt like this was a little too forced to show the MC's nerdiness. That could come a little slower. I think I'd have more fun if she fun of his name.
ReplyDeleteNo. The sentence was a bit awkward and I didn't know why I should care about what was being described.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI was slightly disappointed to have a Sci-fi MG story start with such a mundane visual as letters on a whiteboard, and I spent too much time trying to figure out how writing at a 40-degree angle is even possible. Is it upside down? It would be more interesting if Trolp wrote his name upside down, and easier to visualize if you just said that.
Otherwise, it is the sort of humorous observation an MG protagonist would make.
No- I'm very confused by this sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a great start, but the angle threw me too. I always get hung up on specific measurements (...the house stood 40 yards from my shoes). I can't figure out why the specific slant of the letter is important. I think something with more grounding might work better. But since I don't know your story or your MC, it might be a part of his/her character and might be important.
Yes. The angle thing is odd, but I'm assuming that this kid is a bit odd. I want to know more about him/her. However, if noticing the angle doesn't end up being telling about the kind of kid this is, I'd be bummed and stop reading.
ReplyDeleteLove the title! Kind of wish the first sentence held that same fun/quirky yet smart feel to it. I smiled when I read the title and was hoping to laugh out loud at the first line. Good try, but since you were able to think up such a great title, I think you can do better ;)
ReplyDeleteNinja Girl
Yes. It made me laugh. Be careful about the 40 degree angle thing. It's probably okay if you establish your mc as a math genius quickly.
ReplyDeleteNo. I think there's a neat image in here, but as it's currently written I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteIt feels almost passive because I can't tell who is speaking. I can't tell the POV from this sentence and it leaves me feeling unsure about what I'm going to read.
No. Nothing to care about...no character, setting, action...nothing that hooks me.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but that 40 degrees isn't working for me.
ReplyDeleteNo. I found this strange and confusing. Nothing to draw me in.
ReplyDeleteNo. I have no reason to care about the teacher's handwriting. This gives no sense of the MC other than perhaps he/she loves math and angles? As someone who doesn't get along with numbers, this is a bit of a turn off for me.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's not really all that abnormal for a teacher to write his name slanted, is it? For science fiction, I would think there would be something far more unusual or intriguing to mention up front.
ReplyDeleteNo. Not as it is, because of the 40 degree remark. I was definitely wondering why the teacher's name was sloping down the whiteboard though. If you could find a way to describe it that wasn't quite as technical, I would probably change my answer to yes.
ReplyDeleteNo. There is too much information here. Why does the reader need to know it's a 40* angle?
ReplyDelete~Sarah F.
Yes. With the title, and being middle grade, it sounds kinda cute and snarky.
ReplyDeleteNo, it was a little too "obvious first day of school/substitute" for me.
ReplyDeleteYes, but in this case I'd tweak the wording a little bit. It's a long sentence, and I'm not sure if we need the teacher's name. Also I'd remove "what must be," to make the angle thing stronger.
ReplyDeleteNo. But it was a close one. The only reason it's a no is because I could think of a lot of reasons why the letters would be slanting, but I couldn't figure out which was right. I think this line does make us wonder (which is why it's close) but not in a way that hooks, entirely. Really close though.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI think it would work as an early sentence, but maybe not so good as the first one. It just doesn't grab my attention much, doesn't give me anything that I have to read on to learn more about. I don't really read much MG, though.
No. Didn't grab my attention. What message is being said through the slanted handwriting? Nice title though.
ReplyDeleteNo. Seems like it's going for funny/quirky, but I'm not getting it. Also, I'm struggling to picture the 40 degree angle. Might be more effective to compare the angle to something specific... the letters "slant toward the floor like...."
ReplyDeleteNo. It doesn't go far enough toward humor to make the voice stand out.
ReplyDeleteNo. There wasn't anything in this first line to hook me, all we learn about is the teacher's name written on the blackboard, no insight into the protagonist.
ReplyDeleteNo. I had trouble understanding it. TROLP jumped out and screamed for a stop after it. I'd reorganize the phrasing- the letters on the whiteboard slant to toward the floor at a angle spelling TROLP. Other than that, I'm OK with it- I'm guessing this is some genius, detail obessessed MC and that fits the title.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIt took a lot of effort to picture what you were saying, and afterward, I didn't know why it mattered. (And I'm still not sure I got it right. Is each letter slanted, the way cursive letters slant, or is the whole row sloping downhill, the way they sometimes do when you write on unlined paper?)
Also, there seemed to be a lot of words I'm not sure you need. "Towards the floor" and "what's got to be." It would read more smoothly without those phrases slowing it down.
No.
ReplyDeleteUrgh, though, because I was really on the fence about this one. It sounds a bit quirky, but also trying too hard to be quirky. I didn't get the "what's got to be" - if he's a math nerd, wouldn't he just say it right out?
"The large block letters of MR TROLP's name are written at a 40˚ angle."
or even
"Mr. Trolp writes his name on the whiteboard at a 40˚ angle."