TITLE: The Center of Gravity (WIP)
GENRE: YA
I believed in the healing power of parking garages. Even in the bellowing basement of the garage beneath my mom’s office building, the heavy air and the darkness interrupted only by muttering orange lights were something to hang onto. And usually, I would have stopped to indulge in my customary game of peeking around pillars and corners for the presence of a secret informant, but today, with my lock kit in one hand and Conspiracy File #357 in the other, there just wasn’t time.
Miss Snark's First Victim
No
ReplyDeleteBut I'm torn, it makes me wonder what age the character is, playing spy, and what the conspiracy is. But the sentences felt too long, like they were trying too hard. I'm not sure of a 'bellowing' parking garage, my mind had a hard time picturing that. The voice is good, the descriptive sentences just felt like too much.
I love the first sentence but I kind of don't see the connection to the second and third sentences. When you open, I am expecting you to connect the garage with some kind of wound but the second line is more about the character hanging on to something and then the third seems more like the character is busy but would prefer to have fun. As they stand, I think these lines are all fine but I'd suggest you work on the transition here.
ReplyDeleteYES, but sort of despite yourself. I agree with Holly here. On their own, the concepts are good, but they don't quite flow together for me. The writing is good, vaguely beautiful even at certain places, but the connections don't quite work yet. Keep working, though. You'll get there.
ReplyDeleteYes, but not enthusiastically.
ReplyDeleteWhere is the connection with the first line? It totally isn't there. But I am intrigued by the case file and lock kit.
Torn on this one: I like teen spy novels, so I'm intrigued, but the language makes me think she's only playing at being a spy... but why does she have a lock pick kit and a conspiracy file? If she's playing, this would feel more like MG to me. If she's not playing... why would a real spy dispense with the sneaking around once she's on a real mission?
ReplyDeleteI'd recommend you solidify as soon as possible whether this is a game (and why a "YA" character is playing it) or whether this is real (and why she's ignoring safety protocols).
I'd probably read on for the rest of the page, but if I didn't know the answer by then, I might not turn it.
No
ReplyDeleteI had loved the first line but the follow-up left me wanting. I found the sentences too long for an opening and lacking flow. Also, there is no connection to the first line and what comes after. It had set-up a wry humor with the incongruity. But, if you establish that - you cannot just drop it. You have to explain it or expound on it.
Yes. The first line didnt connect with the other two though and the third sentence could use some trimming.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteI loved the first line, but then you lost me. It's too wordy and confusing. I can't see the connection between them all.
No - This is another I'm really torn on. That first line is so punchy and gripping, and then the next two sentences take on a different tone and feel kind of info-dumpish. By the end of the excerpt, I have no idea why parking garages would have "healing powers."
ReplyDeleteI really like the first sentence (did in round 1 as well), but I get a bit lost after that. Part of what I like about sentence 1 is that it's concise, straightforward, and intriguing. The next 2 sentences get much more bogged down in details, so I'm having a bit of trouble wading through to sort it all out. Also, I'm not seeing how they relate to healing power.
ReplyDeleteNo. I loved the opening line but the next two are so wordy they lose me.
ReplyDeleteNo, again I loved the first line but the second was just too much
ReplyDeleteNo, sadly. I loved loved loved the first line. What comes after is overly wordy and just...too much. It loses the voice rapidly.
ReplyDeleteNo. As mentioned by others above, I loved the first line. The rest seems to be trying too hard. I'm intrigued by the case file, but I think this could be much stronger with simpler language.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm drawn to YA with smart language,and this has it in spades. It is wordy, but I'm not tripped up because it's only the first three lines. IMO, the first three lines of a story rarely give a glimpse into the main plot, but rather introduce you to the voice of the MC. And I think this passage does an amazing job of inviting me to get to know the MC. Well done.
ReplyDeleteNo. I feel like the first sentence is meant to be "snappy" or "hooky" and is trying too hard, given, as others have pointed out, there's no connection to how parking garages heal, or what needs to be healed. Feels a bit bulky for what it is, but I like the "muttering orange lights" so I have a feeling I'd enjoy some of your turns of phrase and description. Just doesn't really grab me though, on its own.
ReplyDeleteYes, I was all in after that last bit. The "lock kit" and "Conspiracy File #357" sold me. But I would say sentence two needs a bit of work. You could, for example, tell us more about the healing power mentioned in the first instead of just giving description. After that last sentence, though, I definitely want to read more!
ReplyDeleteNinja Girl
Yes. You definitely have both voice and talent. And I sat up and paid attention when I realized your character had a lock kit and Conspiracy File #357 in hand! :)I do think you don't make the emotional connection for us here, though. I smiled at the though that parking garages have healing power. And you delved a little deeper in the next sentence by saying the stuff happening in the interior is something to hang onto. But then we drop all emotional connection and go right for teen P.I. instead. I think we need to understand why your character feels safe and healed in a parking garage. If it has nothing to do with emotional stuff, then you need a new first line. If there is an emotional tie, let us see that. But yes, I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteYes. I was one of the few dissenters who voted no for the first line, and I'm still not buying 'healing power'.
ReplyDeleteThe following lines redeemed it by giving us context. I'm getting the sense of a kid whos practicing for a future career as a spy (in the way Harriet did - and if you dont know who I'm, referring to I will change my vote to a big fat no) , and many have stumbled upon something juicy to follow up on.
My yes is only tentative, given the construction of some of the sentences. It could do with polishing. And I wonder if instead of healing power, you're trying to convey something like the potential or opportunities presenet in a parking garage?
No. I too loved the first line but the second seemed written with a totally different voice.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI agree with others about disconnect between the three sentences. And it feels too...cluttered, I think.
Yeeeeeeeeeees. I liked the first and last sentences but I have no idea what the one in the middle means. I'd still read a little further, because I love the idea of the teenage spy, but not much further if I had to keep re-reading sentences to figure out what you were trying to say.
ReplyDeleteYes, but....
ReplyDeleteI agree with those before me, was ever so confused and wanted the tie in to something medicinal. Didn't like bellowing basement, but I would keep reading becasue now its a mystery/spy story....
Windering where we are headed. Good luck.
Yes- I still love this one! The first line is so out there, it immediately gets my attention and makes me laugh every time. The second line left me scratching my head, but the third line got me again, making want to read on! So far it kind of reminds of Lisa Lutz (the fabulous Spellman Files), which is a good thing!
ReplyDelete