I'm actually on the fence with this one because I like the potential, but I'm left without a grounding in this world. Repetitive use of her regarding two different characters is a bit confusing, too. Can the second her be named?
Yes Just enough suspense delivered with an economy of words to convey a chill and want me to keep reading to find out more. To use a cliche, less IS more in this case and it works here.
Sort of. I'd read a bit more, but if I didn't get some concrete details soon, I'd stop. I agree with the generic comments--is there some detail you can throw in there to make your story different from all the other girl-drowns-in-river stories?
Yes! I'm instantly intrigued. There's a sense of the ominous here. Clearly Emma witnessed (or caused) something awful, and I'm desperately curious to know what it was!
Yes - I get the foreshadowing of the terrible memory, but I do agree maybe if the last "she" were named, or given context, it might pack more punch. Saw "the dead girl" saw "my drowned sister" or whatever. But either way, I'd keep reading to see what's up.
Yes! I'm thinking a drowning victim's ghost or a creepy riversprite and wanting to know for sure. I also like the possibilities you've set up with the lack of sleep and all done with so few words! And their flow is spot on.
No.
ReplyDeleteSaw "her" again made me balk. I thought you were implying the river is 'her'. And after a couple reads, I realized I was wrong.
This was tough, as I liked the first line, but the next two didn't pack the punch I wanted.
Yes! Love the scary tone and would keep reading to find out what happened in the river and who the girl is.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteI'm actually on the fence with this one because I like the potential, but I'm left without a grounding in this world. Repetitive use of her regarding two different characters is a bit confusing, too. Can the second her be named?
I LOVE this.
ReplyDeleteYes
ReplyDeleteJust enough suspense delivered with an economy of words to convey a chill and want me to keep reading to find out more. To use a cliche, less IS more in this case and it works here.
Yes. I'm curious as to what's coming next.
ReplyDeleteYes - with reservations. I'd give it a few more sentences to see where it's going, but as it is, the voice feels kind of generic.
ReplyDeleteYes. I want to see what happens next. But I agree with Karen that the voice is generic.
ReplyDeleteSort of. I'd read a bit more, but if I didn't get some concrete details soon, I'd stop. I agree with the generic comments--is there some detail you can throw in there to make your story different from all the other girl-drowns-in-river stories?
ReplyDeleteYes! I'm instantly intrigued. There's a sense of the ominous here. Clearly Emma witnessed (or caused) something awful, and I'm desperately curious to know what it was!
ReplyDeleteYes. It's a little creepy. I want to know what happened!
ReplyDeleteYes - I get the foreshadowing of the terrible memory, but I do agree maybe if the last "she" were named, or given context, it might pack more punch. Saw "the dead girl" saw "my drowned sister" or whatever. But either way, I'd keep reading to see what's up.
ReplyDeleteYes! I'm thinking a drowning victim's ghost or a creepy riversprite and wanting to know for sure. I also like the possibilities you've set up with the lack of sleep and all done with so few words! And their flow is spot on.
ReplyDeleteYes. I think it's the almost ominous tone of voice that intrigued me. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteYes. I love some horror!
ReplyDeleteYes. I would read on to find out who she is seeing and why.
ReplyDeleteduh-duh-duhhhh...sorry, the foreshadowing music instantly came to mind.It's not my kind of reading, but you got me interested anyway!
ReplyDelete