TITLE: Roots and Treetops
GENRE: Women's Fiction/True Life Novel
Margo’s stomach dropped when she saw the green sign ahead - Tulsa International Airport - exit one mile. Gulp. No turning back now. Her husband had one hand on the steering wheel and the other on her knee. “You ok?” he asked.
“What if I forget something?” she asked. Margo riffled through her backpack and pulled out the ticket. “I can’t find my driver’s license.” She threw up her arms. “I can’t find it. I can’t go.”
Casey parked in front of the airport entrance and unbuckled his seat belt. “Calm down. It’s in there...somewhere.” He pulled it from Margo’s hand. “It’s right here.” “Where?” she exclaimed. “In you wallet - where else?” Margo grabbed her chest. “Thank God!” She took his hand and squeezed it. He smiled. “It’s going to be great. She’s not a stranger.”
“I know - but this time it’s different.” She wrung her hands. “We’ll be face to face.”
"Hey, look at me. You’re going to be fine.” He told me the same thing ten years ago when we stood at the altar. He hasn’t let me down yet. “Besides, you can always hide in your hotel room if things go to hell.” Margo held her breath. He grabbed the door handle and grinned, “But trust me - they won’t.”
"Right.” She opened her door. “It’s going to be fine.” She chanted. “Everything is going to be fine.” Still scared to death. This isn’t just anyone. It's her - the woman who gave her life and the woman who gave her away.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I thought the dialogue was very realistic and natural. It had the confortable familiarity of a husband and wife. The touch of the one hand on the wheel and the one hand on her knee was effective and buttressed the whole scene. It's a very good opening that leaves me wanting more.
ReplyDeleteI think you've got an interesting hook. We get a good feeling for the character and the situation she's moving into.
ReplyDeleteA couple of things that you may want to take a look at: whenever someone new speaks, start a new paragraph. For instance, your third paragraph should be split up each time the husband or wife speaks.
Also, in your second to last paragraph, you switch from third person to first person. An easy miss in editing, and an easy fix.
Best of luck to you ^_^
Hooked. Great realistic descriptions (Margo thinking she forgot her driver's license). That's a good way of showing her nerves without telling us. I'm curious to learn where Margo's going and who's 'not a stranger'. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI liked it. Not my normal genre, but I'd probably read on.
ReplyDeleteCouple minor things (and this may be something that Authoress needs to correct) but in the last two paragraphs, it REALLY threw me when it seemed to jump from 3rd to 1st and back again. I'm guessing this is just a lack of formatting, and everything's fine in your version.
Great start – I was recently reading that you want to get the four W’s (who, what, when, where) into your story as quickly as possible, to ground the reader. You did that neatly.
ReplyDeleteYou’ve shown the main character’s nervousness, her husband’s calmness, and by the end of this very short bit, we know who she’s meeting and why she might be so overwrought.
While adoption is not a theme I would normally seek out, having read this intro, I’d be curious enough to contine.
Housekeeping issues: The repetition of “it” several times in para 3, probably sometimes referring to ‘purse’ and other times to ‘wallet’ – could be clearer; typo (‘you’ instead of ‘your’) in same section. And what another commenter said about each person’s dialog in a separate para.
Good luck.
You've taken a topic we all know and turned it into a conversation that feels right, and has me instantly worried for the character.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on.
The other commenters points were valid - but like they said, easy fixes.
Well done,
Good luck.
Just like when someone says "fiction novel" -- True Life Novel doesn't make any sense to me.
ReplyDeleteI did feel tension and anticipation while reading but "stomach dropped" and "no turning back now" are somewhat cliché and made me wonder if the novel is strewn with clichés. I agree with the others that the banter seems realistic. But of course I wonder then - is this a memoir? Is it roman a clef? Unfortunately the tag at the top distracted me the whole time -- but that's just me and my 2 cents.
Amy brought up a good point and a question hopefully one can answer.
ReplyDeleteHALF BROKE HORSES by Jeanette Walls is labeled a true life novel because it's about a true character (her grandmother) but parts of the novel are fictitious.
Can anyone clarify this for me?
There was one thing that leapt out at me and I stumbled on, but it's probably only me. "Gulp- for me- made your MC feel very young. Not sure you even need it. You're setting up her angst well enough me thinks.
ReplyDelete: )
Good luck!
I'm going to go against the grain here and say this doesn't quite work for me. Overall I think the actions/conversation are okay, but there are a couple of things that I noticed that could be improved (IMO of course, please feel free to take anything I say with a grain of salt).
ReplyDelete"Gulp" made me think I was reading YA, and so it threw me off when I got to "husband." I'm not sure how old she's supposed to be, but it felt very young.
The actions don't always match the dialogue or what's happening next. For instance, she pulls out her ticket, but then says "I can't find my driver's license." To me this would work better if she's searching but doesn't find anything, or if the next line is a comment about the ticket.
Similarly, Casey unbuckles his seatbelt, but then "pulls it from Margo's hand." I'm not sure what he pulls from her hand, and that line confuses me. After reading it a few times I think he must have taken the ticket, or maybe her backpack, but this threw me off. Also, is he still driving while he does this?
Mostly I think the dialogue works and I like the way her husband is comforting her, but the "I can't go" when she can't find her license seems a big off to me somehow. As someone who has forgotten her license before a big trip (luckily I had my passport with me by sheer chance), I could see her being more concerned with trying to find it, telling him to pull over or they have to go back or "They won't let me on the plane without it" or something along those lines.
That's a rather picky detail, but it did stand out to me as I was reading. I love "Still scared to death" at the end. :)
I agree with the comments above re: the dialogue. It was realistic and easy to read. But the change in 3rd to 1st person threw me. Otherwise, sounds a fun read.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIs this a memoir? I'm confused by the categorization.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't quite work for me because if it is based on your personal experience, then my preference would have been to read a first person narrative.
I do like some of the little details you use, like showing her nervousness and how it possibly led her to forget something so necessary.
Right now I'm having too hard of a time with they type of story to say whether I'd read on or not. I'd probably give it a few more pages to see where it's going.
Good luck with it.
you lost me at gulp. i immediately became suspicious of the rest of the piece and never quite came back.
ReplyDeleteThis piece isn't quite doing it for me either.
ReplyDeleteI generally dislike the adoption reunion feel-good stories on tv, due to the hgh sentimentality factor. Stories or novels on this theme need to be well written in order to avoid this pitfall.
I would be very interested to see what the agent has to say about the change in POV. Minor slip up? Or indicator of a MS that requires more polishing/ editing?
This piece isn't quite doing it for me either.
ReplyDeleteI generally dislike the adoption reunion feel-good stories on tv, due to the hgh sentimentality factor. Stories or novels on this theme need to be well written in order to avoid this pitfall.
I would be very interested to see what the agent has to say about the change in POV. Minor slip up? Or indicator of a MS that requires more polishing/ editing?
I like the detailed touches like the husband's hand on her knee. I also like the hook, and I think you started this book at the right spot.
ReplyDeleteHowever, you have some technical issues that need to be dealt with. The most notable being what others have pointed out and that is you need to break up your paragraphs with only one speaker in each paragraph. Another issue I noticed is she said, "What if I forget something?" Forget is present-tense, but she's already on the way to her destination, so it should be in past-tense.
Hi All! This is my story And I can't thank you enough for all the reviews. They have helped in so many ways. First, I think I'll keep the story in first person and call it Women's Fiction. It's based on reality but certain situations and characters added. That's fiction right? I think changing it to third person messed with the flow and caused problems with tense!
ReplyDeleteHere's my new version thanks to YOU! If you have a moment to take a look great - if you have bigger fish to fry - totally understand. No matter what I'm forever in your debt :).
My stomach dropped when we passed the green sign - Tulsa International Airport - exit one mile. My husband Casey had one hand on the steering wheel and the other on my knee.
"You ok?” he asked.
"What if I forgot something?" I riffled through my backpack. "Where's my license?" My voice quivered. "It's a sign."
Casey parked at the curb in front of Delta airlines and unbuckled his seat belt.
“Calm down. Your ID is in there somewhere.” He pulled the backpack from my hands and dug around. "It’s right here.”
I shook my head. “Where?”
He passed me my backpack, "In your wallet." He took my hand and squeezed it. “Stop stressing out. She’s not a stranger."
“I know - but this is different.” I wrung my hands. “We’ll be face to face.”
"Hey, look at me. You’re going to be fine - I promise” He said the same thing ten years ago at the altar. He's been right so far. "Besides, you can always hide in your hotel room if things go to hell.”
I held my breath.
He grabbed the door handle and grinned, “But trust me - they won’t.”
"Right.” I opened the passenger door. “You can do this." I chanted to myself. “Everything will be fine.”
Casey pulled my luggage from the trunk and sat it on the curb. He turned back and I threw my arms around him. He kissed the top of my head.
"Didn't Dr. Cobb refill your Xanax?"
I've never heard the term "true life novel." If it's realistic women's fiction in the Jodi Picoult/Kristin Hannah/Mary Kay Andrews vein, just say so. If it's a memoir, then it's not fiction.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very shaky start. I didn't realize until further down the page that it was a first-person, not third-person, novel. And it seemed to me like Margo, the person with the highest stakes, was not the narrator. Because of this, I wasn't compelled to go on.
Despite the fact that you do an excellent job starting off with a bang and showing me what's going to make your story interesting, I would pass on this. It has too many mechanical issues (point of view, dialogue formatting) and those get in the way of my enjoyment of the larger story. With some editing, I think it could be quite successful.
This reads well; with the exception of the dialogue formatting in the third paragraph, I found I could enjoy reading this without getting tripped up by odd phrasing or grammatical errors. It sounds on par with what I've read in women's fiction. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteAuthoress - thank you for offering this amazing opportunity and for all the time and effort you put in to it. I appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteAnother big thanks to the Secret Agent for reading my entry and offering her/his advice. I know you have a busy schedule and I'm thrilled to have your attention. I'll take your advice and keep plucking away on my story.
And once again - bless this wonderful community for taking the time to critique this and letting me do the same with your creations.
Have a great weekend!
What a great moment in time vignette. Beautifully written.
ReplyDeletedidn't see that coming! well done!
ReplyDeletei gave you one of my weekly Goddess Awards for your sidebar if you're interested.
In joy,
Elise
Of course I'm interested - and honored! Thank you Goddess :).
ReplyDelete