TITLE: HEARTS DON'T BREAK QUIETLY
GENRE: Contemporary YA
Seventeen-year-old Audrey thinks having a hooker for a mother means her life can’t get any worse. Audrey saw how men treated her mom. Like shit. So, she doesn’t really think they’ll treat her any better.
When Audrey’s mother is murdered, she’s sent to foster care. She is separated from her sisters, and has to go to a new school. And for sure her new foster family won’t let her go out with Zach. Eh. That’s probably better though. She was only going to go out with the creep to piss her mom off anyway.
Then Audrey meets her foster brother Caleb. He makes her feel different—weightless, free—like she’s worthy of love. Somehow, all of her problems melt away when he’s around.
Zach shows up at Audrey’s new school, pissed that she won’t go out with him. When he sees her with Caleb, Zach corners Audrey. A thick vein pulses in his forehead as he makes sure all of her new classmates hear him call her a whore. “Like mother, like daughter,” he yells. Then, in a much lower voice, he adds, “And you know what happened to her.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
YES
ReplyDeleteThere's voice, I get a sense of the MC's personality, and I quickly learn of her situation she's in.
No...and again this was a maybe. A girl with a hooker mother caught my eye at the beginning and the query does have great voice, but I'm not certain what the story is about. Is it simply Audrey learning to love and trust a man? Or is the last paragraph trying to tell us she's going to be murdered?
ReplyDeleteYES. I liked the beginning and love the hook at the end.
ReplyDelete~Sarah F.
No. I was confused by the query -- is the story really about the MC's mother being a hooker? Is it about the MC's life with a new foster familly? Is it about a weird triangle?
ReplyDeleteNo. Mother as hooker is a bit cliche; and query doesn't tell us the main conflict/arc.
ReplyDeleteNO.
ReplyDeleteThis could be a yes, but maybe tighten up the last paragraph. You already told us she was murdered, so give us more to hook us.
No. Great voice, but the main conflict of the story is hard to uncover.
ReplyDeleteNO. I'm not sure what the main conflict is, and your last paragraph doesn't read like a query.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm having a hard time connecting with the voice, I'm not really sure what the book is actually going to be about, and the ending of the query seemed very abrupt.
ReplyDeleteNo. There are some confusing sentences and it feels a bit too dramatic.
ReplyDeleteNo. The voice felt over the top and too dramatic, which makes me think the novel will be so too.
ReplyDeleteNo. The main conflict is unclear.
ReplyDeleteYES! Love the voice and the crazy guy in the mix!
ReplyDeleteNo. The plot feels contrived. Foster care at 17? Why doesn't the state just emancipate her? Who's Zach? He comes in after Audrey throws him away.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteDone to death and the ridiculous cliche of the noble hooker is so far at odds with reality that I don't think the plot can survive it.
No. Too much back story, and the query feels scattered.
ReplyDeleteNO, but could be a yes. The last paragraph with the quotes didn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteNO
ReplyDeleteThe quotes don't work for me and while the voice is there, i'm just not sure of the plot, like what's at risk after her ex outs her.
No. Although it's an interesting setup, it's only a setup; I don't get a sense of where we're going.
ReplyDeleteNo, the voice felt forced and the last half felt like a scene from the book instead of a query. What is Audrey's hard choice and what are the consequences?
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThe last paragraph/dialog excerpt didn't work for me because it's more a setup for her problem (being outed), and I don't have any idea what the real problem and stakes are (is she going to have to fight for her life, did Zach kill her mother, is she going to have to solve her mother's murder, is she going to have to face embarrassment?)
No- doesn't really grab me- no real tension.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI'm connecting with the voice here. That last paragraph pulled me toward "No" but I think I would give this author a first page read to see how the story starts off.
No. But I agree with Tina, who said it could be a yes. You had me until the last paragraph, which, I agree would be much stronger without the quotes.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteShe hates men but the first conflict w/ her new foster family is over a boy she wants to date? Color me confused.
Plus the query wandered off into narration-land and never set up the stakes or the choice she faces.
No.
ReplyDeleteThe "romance with foster brother" angle almost hooked me, but overall the query lacks focus -- you've got unnecessary info dump (is her ex-boyfriend relevant, other than calling her a whore at school?) and the writing is all over the place. Is this about Audrey finding love with Caleb? About solving her mother's murder? It's unclear.
No. The idea feels a little far-fetched and slightly icky for me. Can’t imagine why they’d put a seventeen-year-old in foster care or split the family when one is that old (depending on the sibling’s ages, of course). And she crushes on her foster brother? That’s a level of wrongness right there.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, Zach’s presence seems minor and it feels as if he can be easily dealt with.
No. I agree with everything other naysayers above posted. The story is interesting, but there are a few things that didn't quite "get there." First, 17 year old in foster care? Seems too old to be placed in a foster home, I would think that 15 would be better suited. Secondly, what is this story about? You need to start your letter with action and give us a sense of what the main conflict is here. Like others said, I'm not sure if she's going to be thrown in the middle of some murder conspiracy, if she will be trying to solve her mom's murder, or if this is just some romance novel. I also didn't like the last paragraph, it doesn't belong in the letter and just takes up much needed space.
ReplyDeleteNo- as others stated, interesting elements float throughout, but the query overall lacks focus on what the main plot and conflicts are. I actually like the idea of romantic tension btwn girl & foster brother; while not typical, a 17 yo could end up in the system, and very real threat to be split from siblings.
ReplyDeleteYes, but you almost lost me on the last paragraph when Zach shows up, thick vein pulsing, etc. I would tighten up that description, not that this is a query critique! The story itself sounds compelling, falling in love with someone who is almost off limits, a foster brother.
ReplyDeleteYes. Great voice, and great hook at the end.
ReplyDeleteNo. As said before the query doesn't have a central focus screaming out at the reader, but the voice seems interesting.
ReplyDeleteNo. This query needs less, not more. Sentences like 'So, she doesn't... better.', spoil the subtlety of what came before.
ReplyDeleteNO. The query is tight, but it feels like Audrey doesn't do much, like she's a victim the whole way through.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIs this a romance? Is it about a girl learning to respect herself or mature into wanting more from a relationship? Is it a murder mystery? What's the main conflict?
No - Who's Zach, and what's the significance of the throbbing vein that it made it into the query?
ReplyDeleteNo. I think there's a lot of potential here, but the last paragraph turned me off. I also have a little trouble with the transition from Audrey's mother's murder to her not being able to go out with Zach - is that what she'd be most concerned about?
ReplyDeleteNo. A bad situation, but no indication what the story might be.
ReplyDeleteNo. There's not enough information about what the plot is. The query is all set-up.
ReplyDeleteNo. I have no idea what the plot is, what the stakes are and I'm really thrown by there being dialogue in a query.
ReplyDeleteNo. Love the voice, but the quotes in the last paragraph don't really work for me and I'm not very fond of female MCs who think a boy can melt away all of their problems. Could just be me, though.
ReplyDeleteYes. The voice is compelling.
ReplyDeleteNo. The first two paragraphs include a lot of passive sentences (e.g., "When Audrey's mother is murdered, she's sent to foster care"), which only underscore the fact that Audrey doesn't seem to be making many decisions on her own, and the last two paragraphs read more like a synopsis than a query.
ReplyDelete