TITLE: My Name is Fernanda; My Name is Yakimali
GENRE: YA Historical
Fernanda pressed her heels into the horse’s sides. “Faster, pretty one, faster. We want to feel the wind in our hair, no?”
The horse flicked its ears then galloped across the plain toward the river, kicking up stones from the hard ground. Fernanda leaned closer to the horse’s neck, her long braid slipping over her shoulder. The animal’s smell of grassy manure and sweat filled her with the thrill of riding. It had been too long.
Her body rocked forward and back with the rhythm of the pounding hooves. Water streaked from her eyes as she raced across the desert, dodging barrel cactuses and mesquite bushes. Her rebozo loosened and slipped to her shoulders; then the shawl untied completely and was gone. Fernanda glanced over her shoulder and saw it flutter to the ground. A laugh burst from her chest, and watching a hawk glide, dive and then fly high into the sky, she thought, I feel as free as that bird!
The power of the horse flowed through her, charging her with the desire for adventure, her heart soaring beyond Tubac to worlds far away, worlds full of golden riches, handsome men, and green hills that rolled on forever. Worlds where she would ride, explore, and each day discover something new.
Before realizing how far she’d gone, she saw her family’s adobe hut. She stopped the horse, and her soaring heart dropped like the hawk diving to the ground. There, in front of the hut with her hands on her hips, stood her mother.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really enjoyed this! I haven't actually got anything critical to say. I'd love to read more.
ReplyDeleteLove the last sentence -- I just felt my heart drop like Fernanda's! I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteHooked! Great descriptive detail
ReplyDeleteHooked! Love the sudden change of mood. Very well executed.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. Beautiful descriptions and then a complete about turn in the last line.
ReplyDeleteI like this: She stopped the horse, and her soaring heart dropped like the hawk diving to the ground.
ReplyDeleteI like this setting - and I'm a sucker for a story about a girl and her horse - but it feels like the voice is a bit buried here. The writing is fine, but I think the voice could stand out more. The second to last paragraph has a glimpse of it. The middle two paragraphs could be combined and condensed and I think it would flow better. A glimpse of what she's doing on the horse give context, but what I like best is that description about her desire for adventure.
Good luck with your writing :)
I'm hooked, too! I want to know who she is and why her mother doesn't encourage her passion.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on.
Wonderful writing! I felt like I was with Fernanda.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely read more! Great beginning and setting. Good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteLovely writing. Bold descriptions. Very good with the abrupt ending. Would read more.
ReplyDeleteI loved your writing and the descriptions, and it's always nice to find another YA historical and third-person writer. I also love that there's a horse in the story.
ReplyDeleteYay! I too am thrilled to read another YA historical -- sometimes I feel like the only one not writing about ghoulies. If you are still beta-exchanging after this, I'd love to connect.
ReplyDeleteReally excellent writing! For me personally, it was a bit descriptive for a first page. I started skimming by the second paragraph. It wasn't until I came down here and read all these fine comments that I went back and really read every word. And I agree, you are a very good writer! I very much admire your ability to describe feelings and set the mood. Even though descriptive writing is not my favorite, I know a lot of readers will love it. You've got this. ;)
ReplyDeleteSorry, no. Feels overwritten to me, and no sense of where the story is going or, really, who this character is ...
ReplyDeleteI am totally in this scene, but I wanted less description of her joy and more relief that she's back at it. You could add some conflict by adding bits of the most immediate past in among the "dodging barrel cactuses and mesquite bushes" so that we can begin to understand her.
ReplyDeleteThat last sentence. I even sat up straighter! How well we all know a mother's body language!