TITLE: Thump
GENRE: Contemporary YA
There are three really stupid reasons I shouldn’t go out tonight.
“I’m just staying the night at Leah’s.” I stand in front of them blocking their view from the TV. There’s a commercial break so I have their attention.
“I don’t know…” My mom glances nervously at my dad. She’s worried and probably should be. If it were up to her, I would be strapped to a hospital bed, hooked up to a bunch of bleeping machines reporting every single one of my body’s levels and functions.
The first reason I shouldn't go out is that if my parents knew where I was really going, they’d be mad. Really, really mad. Like, murder-me-themselves-instead-of-waiting-for-the-inevitable mad.
“All we’re going to do is watch movies. And make popcorn.” I look at my dad with big, pleading eyes. And braid each other’s hair. Like good, healthy girls do.
“Hailey,” he says in that way that makes me feel like I’m five. “I don’t think it’s a good idea right now.” I open my mouth to say something, but he holds up a hand. “I mean, I think you should take it easy. At least for tonight.”
“I can take it easy at Leah’s house.” I know I’m talking too fast. I’m going to blow this. “I promise, I won’t exert myself. I’ll lie around all night. We’ll go to bed early. I’ll—”
There’s a honk in the driveway, and I flash him one more desperate look. Please, please just let me have one more night. This night.
Miss Snark's First Victim
There are three really stupid reasons I shouldn’t go out tonight. [Great opening line. It carries voice and I want to read on. I'd omit "really," though--it's an unnecessary word. ]
ReplyDelete“I’m just staying the night at Leah’s.” I stand in front of them blocking their view from the TV. There’s a commercial break so I have their attention.
“I don’t know…” My mom glances nervously at my dad. [Telling. Don't say she glanced NERVOUSLY at him. Describe the expression on her face. SHOW her emotions.] She’s worried and probably should be. If it were up to her, I would be strapped to a hospital bed, hooked up to a bunch of bleeping machines reporting every single one of my body’s levels and functions. [Nice, smooth writing so far.]
The first reason I shouldn't go out is that if my parents knew where I was really going, they’d be mad. Really, really mad. Like, murder-me-themselves-instead-of-waiting-for-the-inevitable mad. [Good voice.]
“All we’re going to do is watch movies. And make popcorn.” I look at my dad with big, pleading eyes. <--- [Omit this sentence.] And braid each other’s hair. Like good, healthy girls do.
“Hailey,” he says in that way that makes me feel like I’m five. “I don’t think it’s a good idea right now.” I open my mouth to say something, but he holds up a hand. “I mean, I think you should take it easy. At least for tonight.”
“I can take it easy at Leah’s house.” I know I’m talking too fast. I’m going to blow this. “I promise, I won’t exert myself. I’ll lie around all night. We’ll go to bed early. I’ll—”
There’s a honk in the driveway, and I flash him one more desperate look. Please, please just let me have one more night. This night.
OVERALL OPINION: I think this is a good opening. Smooth writing, and it's moving along fast. You've hinted something is going on without giving away too much. You've got the reader in the right place: enough information to have a leg to stand on, but enough mystery to want to read on.
I want to know what the next two reasons are, so I think that's a good sign :) The only thing that confused me was "And braid each other's hair..." Was she thinking that, or saying it? If she's thinking it, I'd put it right after the popcorn part, because we sort of get taken out of her head with the pleading eyes bit. Overall really good though!
ReplyDeleteI like the tension here. I can feel her desperation to go out. I wanted to know the other two reasons. The many thoughts linked with dialogue kept me wondering if you missed a quote. With the tension building, I was reading fast.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
I like this. I assumed that 'and braid each other's hair..' is the MC thinking it, sort of willing innocent thoughts to her dad with her big pleading eyes, albeit in a sarcastic way.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested as to what the other two reasons are. I think one is because she's (been) sick, but the other is a mystery. I'd read on.
I would read on. I'd love to find out what the other two reasons are.
ReplyDeleteLike another reader, I was confused as to whether she was saying or thinking the part about braiding each others hair.
It's easy to sense how badly she wants to go out; just reading it made me want to plead for her.
I'd definitely read on.
The first line pulled me in, but the second pulled me out. If a story starts out saying there are 3 reasons for someting, I want to immediately know the reasons; at the very least the first! So the next line with her talking to "them," readers don't know who "them" is yet. I would pull up "the first reason is..." paragraph as your second line.
ReplyDeleteActually, if you take out paragraphs 2-3 entirely it reads great. I get the context of her talking her parents without the explanation of them in front of the TV with a commercial on.
Anything to get to your hook fast is beneficial. I love YA contemporaries so I'm rooting for you!
I wasn't as drawn to this one as I'd have liked, but I would read on because I have to know what the reasons are. :)
ReplyDeleteGood job.
I'd read on. I want to know the other 2 reasons and also what her condition is that's making her parents so scared.
ReplyDeleteI quite liked this. I got a real sense of how much she wants to go and that whatever she wants to do, it's not what she claims she going to be doing.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to get into the reasons sooner though, if you're going to open with a line about there being reasons, otherwise the reader feels cheated.
Agree with others that you seem to be stringing out the three reasons to create false tension.
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice though. Sounds like my 14-year-old daughter on any given day. On of her good friends is even named Leah:)
Really like this one. I absolutely feel drawn into the story. I want to know why she's "not healthy," and the other reasons too. Your writing is smooth and I feel like I'd be in good storytelling hands. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI wasn't sure what about this that I didn't like until I saw Stephco's comments. She's right. If you get rid of the second and third paragraphs, this will read much cleaner and sharper.
ReplyDeleteI agree with getting rid of the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs as well. I'm interested in what's going on and I don't mind a little bit of chatter, but I want to know here reasons soon.
ReplyDeleteThe hinting at her not being 'healthy' has me intrigued. I would keep reading.
Well done. I agree w/cutting 2d & 3rd paragraphs and getting to the reasons she shouldn't go out. Nice tension building. I'd want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI ditto Stephsco's advice! I expected you to go right into the reasons, so when we cut to standing in front of the tv, I was actually confused.
ReplyDeleteIf you do leave in the TV bit, or move it further down or something, I just wanted to point out that it's worded wrong. The view FROM the TV makes me think they are sitting on top of the TV looking out. The view OF the TV is what you mean to say, I think. In fact, you could say "I stand in front of the TV, blocking my parents' view." and you would get rid of that awkward them-their business. ;)
Anyways, great job building tension, as we all want to know what her reasons are!
The first sentence didn't do anything for me. First of all, I don't feel the conflict and I always wonder (and this is just me) why in the world a MC has three reasons to NOT do something, but does it anyway and that is why there is a story, especially when it is for a health or safety reason.
ReplyDeleteAnd then the whole discussion begins with her blocking the tv. I get the impression that she has cancer or something, because of the comment about hair braiding, as if she's losing hers?
There's just a lot of mixed signals going on here. If she knows she should not go out, she needs to be a lot more wily, and I think her parents need to be more actively trying to stop her.
It's because of that first sentence. When you start like that, you've got to be able to back it up, at least for me.