TITLE: Dream Things True
GENRE: YA Fantasy
I open my eyes and see the familiar, off-white ceiling of my bedroom above me. Last night’s dream is already dissolving like smoke from my mind, but even though I can barely remember it, I wish I could go back. My dreams, like most people’s, are usually random and bizarre, but a world filled with talking jellyfish and flying peanut butter sandwiches is still preferable to my own, which is about as boring and as ordinary as you could possibly imagine.
But not for long, I remind myself. In three days, my life is finally going to start.
When I stumble sleepily into the kitchen for breakfast, I am surprised to find my father already sitting at the table, reading the newspaper and munching on a bowl of bran cereal.
“What are you doing up so early?” I ask, retrieving the box of Cheerios from the cupboard.
“Got to get on the road to Wichita,” he answers, placing a tidy spoonful of bran into his mouth. “My flight leaves at noon.”
“Oh, yeah. Chicago, right?”
“Yep. Weeklong conference.”
“What’s it about?”
“Temporary Anchorage Devices and Digital Treatment.”
“Wow. Sounds exciting.”
“Well, you know me. Mr. Excitement.”
My dad is an orthodontist, and about as exciting as you would imagine an orthodontist to be. He’s a sweet guy though, and we have a pretty solid, uneventful relationship, something I think we have both come to value after years of living with the tornado of emotion that is my mother.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I want more information on how this MC's life is going to change to hook me. Right now the opening 250 words don't grab me because nothing unusual happens - I realize that's the point, but at the beginning of a book you might put people off.
ReplyDeleteI like some of your descriptions though - the dream/smoke and 'tornado of emotion'. And the dialogue rings very true too.
I'm hooked because I want to find out what's going to happen in three days and I'm also curious because the title involves dreams and the opening starts with a description of a dream. I'm wondering about the fantastical element and how it will begin.
ReplyDeleteBut besides that, I think this first page would benefit significantly from cutting. Too many words and phrases not carrying their weight (the dialogue, for example).
I'd also like to get an idea of whether the protagonist is a boy or girl, approximate age, and name.
Good luck!
I would also like a firmer image of whether the MC is a girl or a boy, though methinks boy?
ReplyDeleteBut i would definitely read more. I want to know what's going to happen and the dialogue reads true to life.
Good job!
Agents frequently say not to start with waking up. Also, I was confused when Dad said he had to get on the road to Wichita and then the MC mentioned Chicago. I thought, "Wichita is in Kansas and Chicago is in Illinois." I realized later that they are IN Kansas, and he is likely going to the airport, so maybe just say "airport." Your MC would know where that is, so Dad wouldn't have to specify. I understand you're trying to tell us where the characters are, but you can do it later.
ReplyDeleteAs above, I am also curious what happens in 3 days so I would keep reading, but I think a little more editing would tighten this up.
Agents frequently say not to start with waking up. Also, I was confused when Dad said he had to get on the road to Wichita and then the MC mentioned Chicago. I thought, "Wichita is in Kansas and Chicago is in Illinois." I realized later that they are IN Kansas, and he is likely going to the airport, so maybe just say "airport." Your MC would know where that is, so Dad wouldn't have to specify. I understand you're trying to tell us where the characters are, but you can do it later.
ReplyDeleteAs above, I am also curious what happens in 3 days so I would keep reading, but I think a little more editing would tighten this up.
This started out well enough; I was interested in how the MC's life was going to change. But then it dissolved into a mundane breakfast scene, and I lost interest. The hook just wasn't well-developed enough for me to be dragged through such an uninteresting scene/conversation.
ReplyDeleteFor your first page(s), I'm of the belief that you need to simmer tension throughout, and not just hint at wondrous things to come while chewing on cheerios.
I think your story would benefit from starting at a different point. Your character admits her own dreams are boring and her life will start in 3 days. Why can't the story start 3 days later? If there's a reason it can't start yet, you should feature that reason.
ReplyDeleteI've written first drafts of stories that start with the character waking up and starting their day. It bascially serves as a tool for us as writers to get our characters going, and usually all the waking up stuff is edited out. None of this here serves the purpose of your story which is... her dad going to wichita and something happening in 3 days.
I would suggest starting with the trigger event 3 days from now or something significant that derails what she's waiting for.
I liked this. It starts off mundane, you can see where it's boring, but you can also see the excitement and the anticipation to find out what's going to happen in three days would definitely make me read on. You have a solid voice, and I loved it!
ReplyDeleteGreat job. :)
Like other people said, the "three days" bit was interesting. It's good you have that here because the rest of this is mostly setup--you explain why the father is going to be gone, which is (I'm assuming) going to be important later on. I also agree with the whole bit about waking up--you only have one chance to grab the reader, so make it awesome!
ReplyDeleteA note about the genre: "fantasy" threw me for a loop because those novels are (generally) set in imaginary worlds (like Tamora Pierce's novels); novels with magical elements in the real world are usually urban fantasy or paranormal. Obviously we don't know much about the rest of the story and the setting could change. If the setting stays the same, though, you might want to reconsider the genre.
That's really all. I think you could probably add a little bit more excitement but overall, this works! Good job!
Bec
Start with whatever change will take place in the MC's life. As is, there's nothing about it that stands out. Your dialogue is a floating transcript. Ground it with a little action, facial expressions, or something else to denote emotion.
ReplyDeleteWaking up and eating breakfast just not exciting enough to hold me, even with the promise of something special in three days. I'm thinking, "So how much more of the mundane life of these characters will I have to read before the three days are up?"
ReplyDeleteStart with the change-- the impetus for the character.
I'm not hooked. Dream, breakfast eating, dad background, and telling me your MC's life is boring and ordinary makes me want to go find another book about someone not boring and ordinary.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Stephsco , instead of starting here, I think it would be better to start you're book in three days when her life finally start. If something happens before then, start there. Start us with what brings the change to your character's life. We don't need the background.
I don't think that waking up in the morning always has to be bad. Since the title is about dreams and it opens talking about dreams it seems to me that waking from a dream is a good place to start. It makes me think of Lauren Oliver's Before I Fall - its about how she keeps living the same day over and over, so every chapter - including the first - opens with her waking up in bed. If this novel is structured like that, the waking up in bed and looking forward to something works. I don't think that it is always best for a novel to open right at the first dramatic moment of conflict. The hunger games opens with katniss waking up and thinking about Reaping day - not when Prim's name is called at the actually reaping, because that wouldn't make any sense. I am willing to read some background first - especially with dystopia or fantasy (although, PS - this appears to be CONTEMPORARY fantasy, not straight fantasy). Anyway, I like the voice and writing and would continue reading.
ReplyDeleteIn agreement w/others re: agents don't want to read stories that start w/waking, waking from dreams. Would like to know MC's name/gender/age. The Wichita/Chicago thing was confusing - just say airport. You could've used the tease of life changing in 3 days to a better grabbing result. The reader needs something to connect w/the MC and I didn't feel that.
ReplyDeleteI do so love present tense. However, do have to say a better tease could be utilized in this excerpt. I don't get enough tension. BUT this is only the first 250. Not everything has to be in your face!! I would still read on to find out more.
ReplyDeleteNothing grabbing me here...
ReplyDeleteThere's some fun humor in this voice (talking jellyfish and flying pbj sandwiches) and a nice hook with the three days until life starts. And the waking up thing is overused but you can get around it - instead starting with opening eyes you can make the MC a little more active (scrambling around getting dressed, for instance, which could let us know he/she/age etc.) But then, like the others, you bog it way down with the play-by-play of breakfast. Speed that part up into a sentence or two and combine the dialogue...people don't usually talk so with such terse language unless there's a reason (a fight, etc.). I think there's potential here...but definitely tighten up. As Stephsco says above, I often write openings that I need to get into the story, but that can be cut or altered after the fact (in fact, I wound up cutting 50 pages of intro on my last one!)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Dana (#41)
I've seen a lot of these openings and they just don't work for me. I'd start in a different place; one that puts our MC in a conflict from the first line.
ReplyDeleteA lot of discussion about her father, which I can live without. Not much about her mother, who actually is the more interesting parent.
Something is happening in three days, but right now it's so far off in the distance, it's not right in front of me and that slows my interest a lot.