TITLE: Between
GENRE: YA fantasy
I could always tell what kind of mood Momma was in by the type of cleaning she was doing. Cleaning out closets and drawers? Sad. Reorganizing every shelf in the house? Frustrated. Wiping down the walls and baseboards? Angry. Polishing the silver? Stressed. So the day I opened the front door to find a pile of clothes lying in front of the coat closet, a bucket filled with vinegar solution standing next to the wall, and the smell of ammonia hanging in the air, I pulled my phone from my purse and texted my brother immediately. “Get home quick. She’s Granny-cleaning.”
I was still standing in the doorway when Sam got there. I’d heard the loud thumping of the car stereo long before I heard the crunch of gravel beneath the jeep’s tires, but I decided to ignore it today. I hated sharing a car with him. He was going to blow our speakers, I just knew it.
He stood behind me and peeked over my head. That was another annoying thing about Sam- for a twin brother, he was entirely too tall. “She ironed the sheets,” he said, nodding toward the ironing board in the hallway. We could just barely see the front end of it, draped with the fitted corner of the pale yellow queen-sized sheets from the guest bed.
“I know,” I said, tucking my hair behind my ears with both hands. “This is bad.”
“You seen her yet?”
I shook my head. “Nope, but I heard furniture moving around upstairs.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like your intro paragraph. Nice description. I'm not sure where the story is going but I liked it enough to want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI like that the MC judges Mom's moods by her cleaning habits. I picture Mom to be a bit of an OCD person. However, this entire opening is about Mom. I would like to know more about the MC. Maybe you could show more of her emotions dealing with the scene to reveal some of her character.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first paragraph, too. Then it all slowed down a bit.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked yet.
I'm hooked. Nice rhythm.
ReplyDeleteRhythm is king. People sometimes get so obsessed with voice that they forget about the rhythm of the sentences. You've done an excellent job here.
Gold Star.
I'm hooked. I don't mind so much that the opening is about Mom, I get nice flashes of character through the MC's reactions to her mother and her brother.
ReplyDeleteAnd I just the whole idea of Granny-cleaning, it's so recognizable!
I liked this! Good set up in the first paragraph so we know that "Granny-cleaning" is end-of-the-spectrum bad. Ironing sheets, Ammonia and rearranging furniture has never seemed so foreboding. Whew! Good job!
ReplyDeleteI really love this. I don't mind so much that this opening scene is "about" Mom, as we're learning about the MC through her family. In a short amount of time you've made the relationship of all three people feel real. And even though we're dropped in the middle of something, I feel completely grounded.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
I’ve read this before somewhere, but I can’t remember where. Like then I’m hooked on it and truly sad that my favorite line wasn’t used (because it’s a few more lines down from the end of this).
ReplyDeleteThis is a great opening that makes me laugh and understand there is trouble coming. Why else would “mom” be cleaning like this? The voice is fun and engaging, but we need to get to more information about the MC soon. Not just hear about her mother’s moods of cleaning.
I liked the first paragraph a lot, it does kind of slow down from there, but the writing is strong enough I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteGood job. :)
Yes.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on.
Your ability to introduce us to everyone through watching Mom go through this crisis is clear.
Hearing the furniture move around upstairs sets me to thinking the guests in the house are not welcome, maybe not even human.
And it's funny that her twin is taller than her - something's up with that.
I liked it.
Good Luck!
I really enjoyed this. The voice and the rhythm are both good. Plus, I enjoy getting to know characters in unusual ways. :)
ReplyDeleteOne critique I have is that I'm not exactly sure what "Granny-cleaning" means. Does this mean she's cleaning like Grandma would? Does it mean she's cleaning because she's mad at Grandma?
I would definitely read on.
Wow. I loved this. First, because I do this- I clean to reflect my mood and I've never heard anyone else describe it and you described it perfectly. I totally know what Granny-cleaning is.
ReplyDeleteNothing in this threw me out of the story except "I hated sharing a car with him." For some reason, I got confused like it was right then they were sharing a car.
And second that they are twins.
My pet peeve about twins is that they are a go-to character trope. If being twins is integral to your story plot then fine. If not, then don't use them because twins are just cool.
You hooked me. Oh, yes.
This is wonderful and the best one I've read so far. I second what everyone else said about the family dynamics and how you show the mom through cleaning. The part about the brother's car needs to be shorter. You also distance the reader by saying, "I heard..."
ReplyDeleteLots of fun. Plenty intriguing. Nice to see some young adult fantasy that isn't so damn serious. I would be happy to read on.
ReplyDeleteGood writing.
ReplyDeleteI love the first paragraph of the MC judging her mother's moods by her cleaning habits. The first paragraph is a bit chunky, though. Could you keep some of the descriptions that are in the first paragraph, but move them to the second and third ones? Like this:
I could always tell what kind of mood Momma was in by the type of cleaning she was doing.
Cleaning out closets and drawers? Sad. Reorganizing every shelf in the house? Frustrated. So the day I opened the front door to find a pile of clothes lying in front of the coat closet, a bucket filled with vinegar solution standing next to the wall, and the smell of ammonia hanging in the air, I pulled my phone from my purse and texted my brother immediately. “Get home quick. She’s Granny-cleaning.”
I was still standing in the doorway when Sam got there. I’d heard the loud thumping of the car stereo long before I heard the crunch of gravel beneath the jeep’s tires, but I decided to ignore it today. I hated sharing a car with him. He was going to blow our speakers, I just knew it.
He stood behind me and peeked over my head. That was another annoying thing about Sam- for a twin brother, he was entirely too tall. “She ironed the sheets,” he said, nodding toward the ironing board in the hallway. And if she wiping down the walls and baseboards? Angry. We could just barely see the front end of it, draped with the fitted corner of the pale yellow queen-sized sheets from the guest bed.
“I know,” I said, tucking my hair behind my ears with both hands. “This is bad.”
“You seen her yet?”
I shook my head. “Nope, but I heard furniture moving around upstairs.” If she was polishing the silver again, that meant she was stressed.
I like this. I would read more. I want to do where the fantasy part will come in and I want to know more about the MC.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with the writing which is clear and skilled. I did have an issue with the amount of focus on cleaning we got after you have already said that it was a mood-determiner. I think after that - which we got - we don't need all the detail. I would lose some of it. I am not getting a "fantasy" sense yet from the opening 250 which reads contemporary so I think that might be an issue. Then there is just a pet peeve - teenagers are not particularly keen to rush home when trouble's a brewin'. It would seem tome more natural if she texted him to "come get me!" because they both want to get out of Dodge before the maternal storm hits. I am not sure if during a crisis to come she would necessarily be annoyed at how tall her twin brother was. That reads like a 'huh, why now?' moment. Also, the tension is undercut when she does something like calmly pull her hair back behind her ears during what sounds like a moment when this might be the last thing on her mind. But, the skill is there in the writing it is just some of the choices I think I have issue with. As was already said, the fact that her brother is also her twin better be integral in some way and not just a device to give her a male allie (ally?)her own age.
ReplyDeleteI love this opening! The writing is smooth and fades away as you get involved with the story. I didn't have any lines that pulled me out of the narrative because of author voice or awkwardness, and I got a good sense of all three characters from just this little snippet.
ReplyDeleteThe twins thing didn't bother me at all - I found it kind of cute - especially since they're boy/girl twins. I love that sort of relationship. And I totally get the tucking her hair behind her ears - it's kind of like gearing up for battle, or whatever is about to happen with Mom. I totally do the same thing :)
I would totally read more on this one!
Wow. What a mom! How has this affected the MC? Why doesn't she wait to confront her mother herself? Why does she wait for her brother? You're telling me a lot about this MC already and I kinda don't like what that makes me think about her.
ReplyDeleteCould we start with the MC right before she discovers her mom? What is going on her life that she is trouble about and that she may need to talk with her mom about? Push us into an MC conflict. Then, when she comes home to a mom conflict, she's tapped out, has to call brother, etc.
I would rethink this beginning, because the characteristics of the mom are the only story so far.