TITLE: Drummer Boys
GENRE: YA recent historical
In an argument with his older brother - days after the funeral of their father - Stevie (the narrator) spits out in anger that Mike (the older brother) is “glad dad is dead.” This sets in motion the fight that follows that also involves middle brother Nick as witness.
The upper hinge of the door separates from the frame. He’s going to bust it down! I hop to my knees and scuff-shuffle my way to the window – half-thinking of jumping out. Nick pulls up on his bike. I throw the window open, screaming. “Nick! Help me!”
I’m banging on the windowsill so hard my hands are getting slivers. Nick looks up from his bike, sees me crying and frantic.
He opens his mouth but I don’t hear what he says. The door to my bedroom is open now – bent, broken, twisted. Nick must’ve heard the splintering because he throws his backpack to the ground and races to get in the house.
Mike’s in the room now. He looks so big. I can see the muscles through his sweat-soaked T-shirt. I feel smaller than I ever felt before.
“Michael! I’m sorry!” I plead and grab pillows from the bed, holding them close to my chest as I sink to the floor. His face is unrecognizable to me. His eyes are blazing, mouth twisted, jaw set.
“Don’t hurt me!” I wail as he moves towards me. I can almost smell his anger.
My head is on the floor as I lie flat on my back in the corner, pillows still held in front of me as if they would do any good. I went too far this time. Me and my big mouth.
My brother is going to hurt me. Hurt me bad. I close my eyes and wish for it all to be over.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Very intense scene. You have all the elements. The short, clipped sentences, the hold-my-breath tension, and you made me feel sympathy for a character I don't know.
ReplyDeleteThere's a shortage of good YA boy books out there. Good luck with this one.
I hop to my knees and scuff-shuffle my way to the window – half-thinking of jumping out.(The verbs here are confusing and take me out of the story; where is he hopping from? what is a scuff-shuffle? Show us maybe.
ReplyDeleteNick pulls up on his bike. I throw the window open, screaming. “Nick! Help me!” screaming + exclamation points is redundant; choose one or the other. I believe exclamation points are hated by most agents and editors.
I’m banging (I bang; gerunds are weak verbs and so is am; a stronger verb is I pound on the windowsill so hard my hands are getting (two more weak verbs: are and getting; maybe slivers pierce my skin or something like that? slivers.
Nick looks up from his bike, sees me crying and frantic. (how does he know what Nick sees? Maybe, Nick skids to a halt shouts up to me or jumps off his bike and runs towards the door.
He opens his mouth but I don’t hear what he says. The door to my bedroom is open now – bent, broken, twisted. Nick must’ve heard the splintering because he throws his backpack to the ground and races to get in the house.
this paragraph slows down the action and has redundancies from above; suggest deleting it.
show Mike coming into the room. Mike’s in the room now. He looks so big. I can see the muscles (which muscles? arms? chest? abdomen?
I feel smaller than I ever felt before. maybe show MC and how high he comes up to Mike's shoulder instead of telling us?
“Michael! I’m sorry!” more exclamation points.
I plead (show him pleading)
and grab pillows from the bed, holding them close to my chest as I sink to the floor. His face is unrecognizable to me. show why it's unrecognizable instead of telling us; you do it in the next sentence, so maybe delete the unrecognizable sentence?
His eyes are blazing, mouth twisted, jaw set.
blaze instead of are blazing
“Don’t hurt me!” I wail as he moves towards me. I can almost smell his anger.
there is no fight; it's just one bully about to beat up his brother.
My head is on the floor as I lie flat on my back in the corner, pillows still held in front of me as if they would do any good.
The next two sentences sound more adult than childlike and doubt he'd be thinking this no matter what his age. I went too far this time. Me and my big mouth.
My brother is going to hurt me. Hurt me bad. I close my eyes and wish for it all to be over.
not much happens; his brother breaks inside and that's it; would show more action. the other brother coming in and maybe they fight; too much internal stuff and pleading IMO
Instantly recognizable and easy to relate to scene. The pacing was very good with staccato sentences and the image of a - I assume - mucy younger and smaller brother cowering in a corner was effective. By incorporating the other brother Nick who is outside you manage to take a very small space and expand it to incorporate things. It is like in a movie where they have not just the main action in the middle ground but things going on in the foreground and background - I like that kind of 'leveling' (my own made up word) so good job. I thought very effective.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this scene--it's full of tension and despair and I could feel myself worrying for your MC!
ReplyDeleteI got a bit confused by the scuff-shuffle on his knees. Why did he just run to the window?
Your dialogue is good--short and to the point. I did notice he screamed in the first paragraph, pleaded in the fifth, and wailed in the 6th. I'd take out "plead" and just have the dialogue, then "I grab pillows..."
Really nice job with creating tension and keeping us bouncing between "Is Mike going to get him? Or will Nick save him in time?"
I'm transported to this scene as if I sit in the middle of it. I feel the tension and am curious about everything else that has been going on around it. The present tense is awkward for me to read, but it works ok. Just using the equivalent of 'was' (is, am, etc) doesn't excuse weak verbs. "I bang...get slivers" at least, if not the suggestion above. "The door to my bedroom..." It's not just open - it lies in ruins. "His face is unrecognizable..." Why? Coloring? Contortion? What feature on his face has changed so much to notice and comment on?
ReplyDeleteThis story has potential but you have to unlock it with a few tightening tools of the trade. Keep at it!
I generally agree with the comments YA Writer made earlier. In addition, what jumps out at me is the bit about Stevie banging his fists on the windowsill so hard he is getting slivers and then you write that Nick must have heard the splintering.
ReplyDeleteUnless Stevie has superhuman strength, I find this stretches credibility. If the windowsill is old weathered wood that is already cracking (and you have pointed this out to the reader) that's reasonable. Otherwise, I expect Stevie would be beating his knuckles bloody before getting slivers and even then, the sill is not going to be splintering with an audible sound.
Otherwise, good build of fear and tension.
I like the immediacy of the situation. As a person who grew up with brothers, I can put myself in the scene. The short sentences work to build tension and there is not a overabundance of description. I think the best thing I can say is I really want to know what came before and what comes after. So, I guess it works for me. I must have missed the point but to me the splintering sound was the bedroom door being broken down so that's where my mind was - not the banging on the windowsill. Anyway, I would want more to read for sure. Great job.
ReplyDeleteThe piece tells me what's going on, but (IMO) the lack of details keep me from "being" in the scene.
ReplyDeleteEx. "I can almost smell his anger." What does it smell like? How is it different than his usual smell? Does he usually smell like this in tense situations?
I don't mean to all of these questions in this sentence, but taking one of them would add some detail for your reader to identify with, which will help them be "in" the scene.
Great job putting your work out there. Good luck.
I don't have much to add. I was instantly drawn to the MC who I pictured was a young boy probable 6 inches shorter and 50 pounds lighter than his brother. I wanted him to be safe. I thought you made that point really well. I also know what it is like to have a brother that you hope will rescue you - even if it doesn't come true, it is a nice dream. But, I'm female and this is all male but I still relate to the fear. I really thought it was powerful.
ReplyDeleteOh I forgot.....I can smell his anger...or almost smell whatever...oh I know that smell. It does not need elaboration. It is terrifying.
ReplyDeleteVery nice pacing...choice of short sentences. I was there in the middle of it. I did find "scuff-shuffling" confusing till I realied that he was lying down before he "hopped up". - so I got it figured out. (trying to move fast on his knees, right?). I htink every mother knows that. The tension was palpable and my heart ached for the MC. Very nice job. I also had no trouble knowing what "Smell his anger" meant. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteThis is good.
ReplyDeleteI second the previous commentor's point about the slivers - it gave me a WTF moment.
I'd like to echo Lori's comments about the action and pacing working great, but utilizing more action verbs will solidify the scene.
ReplyDelete