TITLE: Tip of a Bone
GENRE: Mystery (Adult)
Sara has just finished digging up two bones from a construction site near the forest when headlights shine through the darkness. Two men chase her and she hides inside a cabin until they’re gone. Or so she thinks…
She dropped the lantern and fell to her knees, scraping at the dirt with her bare hands. The two bones in her backpack were the cake, the photos icing, but the cracked jar would be the cherry on top—a precious bargaining chip.
She heard a muffled footstep behind her. Still kneeling, she turned. Someone was coming toward her. A man.
Sara scrambled to her feet. Grab the pack.
Run.
Her hiking boots pounded against the unsteady ground as she stumbled over roots and rocks and construction debris. She kept running, the pack bouncing wildly on her shoulders. If I reach the woods, I can hide. If I reach the woods—
What? She thudded to a stop. Where had this creek come from? She looked left, then right, suddenly disoriented. The water ran high and cold.
Impassable.
His panting breaths got closer.
Sara raced alongside the stream, searching for any place to cross. There. She stepped down, balancing on slick, dark rocks in the water, and lunged for the other bank. Her boots slipped and she slid into the water with a splash.
In seconds, the hood of her jacket sagged with fluid and her mouth filled with ice-cold creek. She flailed, straining to grab a boulder, a branch, anything.
When rough hands tugged at her pack, yanking her above the waterline, Sara gasped in relief. And then she felt him reach for the thin leather cord around her neck.
He whispered something, his breath hot against her skin.
She knew that voice now.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm not much of a mystery buff, so normally I'd critique something else, but yours caught my eye. I wouldn't be surprised if some of my comments don't apply to the genre.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused at the opening since the lead-in suggested she'd be in a cabin.
I'm supposing the bones are human.
I suggest a search and destroy for all "I heard, I saw..." They're not necessary. ie "A muffled step sounded behind her."
I'm not sure you need to show the mc's thoughts about grabbing the pack and running. It would work just as well as straight action. Her thoughts WHILE she is running add well to the narrative.
Needs a bit more after ..."thudded to a stop" ie at the edge of a wild stream of water...
Instead of "His" panting breaths - I suggest "Her pursuer's" since it could be someone else. Also, if she can hear his breath, how can she have time to run about looking for a crossing? Seems like he'd be practically on her.
I'd like a wee bit more when she is crossing the stream. Perhaps showing a bit of the hopping from rock to rock. This is a very exciting bit - I think it will add to the suspense. Besides, I think you need some more description about the rocks, and water rushing around them. For the stream to be deep enough as you indicate below, the rocks would have to be pretty big.
"And then she felt him reach" doesn't quite work since she can't feel him reaching. Perhaps he fumbles cold fingers on her neck?
Ooh, what a cliffhanger at the end!
Very intense scene with high stakes, and you handled it very well. The only thing I would change is using the word 'fluid' instead of 'water'. Obviously, a creek will be filled with water instead of any other kind of fluid, but there's no reason to use a vague word instead of a more specific one.
ReplyDeleteI like how you're ramping up the intensity with this scene.
ReplyDeleteLove the line beginning "The two bones..."
I agree with Heather re: the "I saw" and "I heard."
I'd watch adjective use:
Unsteady ground (is the ground uneven and the MC unsteady?)
Because she's looking at the creek she can see it ran high, but she wouldn't know it was cold (until she gets in).
She wouldn't know the pursuer's hands were rough unless she felt them.
I'd love to know what happens next! Great excerpt.
Love the intensity, mystery, high stakes excerpt here. Definitely want to know more. Only a couple places the writing style slowed me down or left me desiring more...
ReplyDeleteThe cake/icing thing is good until I get to the cherry which I usually picture on an ice cream sunday.
How was 'someone coming' toward her?
But I love the feeling of being 'in' the action. "Run" and "There"... In the MC's head for sure. Love that. Good job,
There's something about bones that is instantly intriguing:) Nice opening.
ReplyDeleteThis line was a little boring, "Her boots slipped and she slid into the water with a splash." Perhaps (Her boots slipped, causing her to plunge into the icy water.)after removing cold from a few lines above, since she won't know it's cold yet?
Maybe too much water description, we get the cold idea...
I like the teasing at the end, elevates the danger! Good job:)
I like the tension and intensity in the scene. Very nicely done.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest issue is with the stream and some of the terminology (and knowing it's somewhat regional). Creeks and streams to me are things that are largely crossable. You might get your feet wet, but it's not necessarily a threat. In the dark, with no light, I wonder how she would know the water was too high to cross safely. And as someone said, if it's deep enough for her to go over her head in, the rocks she's on must be pretty huge.
But again, I like the piece. Great mood, great tension.
I agree with Ms. Heather, if the pursuer is within range, so much so that she can hear his breathing, that would imply he's right next to her, no? So why would she be looking for a crossing?
ReplyDeleteI also like Heather's suggestion regarding "And she felt him reach..." I think it needs a strong immediate action, rather than a passive one.
I want to commend you on this piece though, I felt the tension and my heart was racing through the whole thing--and I'm not saying that to be nice.
You are a gifted with building tension and it shows beautifully.
Maybe instead of hearing his breath she could hear his thudding footsteps getting closer.
ReplyDeleteI agree that her hood filling up with fluid seemed weird. It's water. Just call it water.
I love the tension that builds. We know she's got something dangerous and valuable. I like the cliffhanger at the end.
Good pacing, excellent sense of foreboding. Mystery isn't my genre, but for what it's worth, this is a good scene.
ReplyDeleteThings that particularly stuck out to me were 'his panting breaths' and 'I knew that voice now'. For the first, it just seemed a little overwritten. I also wonder if that would be the main thing you'd hear when you're being chased - footsteps, for example, are probably louder.
As for 'I knew that voice now', it's a very small nitpick in that I would drop the 'now'. It seemed extra, and I felt it softened the impact of that line.
Good work.
I liked the action overrall but got a bit hung up here:
ReplyDeleteThe two bones in her backpack were the cake, the photos icing, but the cracked jar would be the cherry on top—a precious bargaining chip.
"the photos the icing" might help. It still feels a little clunky although I get where you're going with it.
I agree with some of the comments on "his panting breaths" feeling a bit overwritten; but the pounding footsteps are great.