TITLE: Hope
GENRE: Fantasy
Kathryn and Sergeant Summers arrived in a fantasy world where they encountered winged, demon-like creatures who wanted to eat them. They fled from the creatures and some type of entity possessed Kathryn, forcing her to destroy the creatures via fire that engulfed her hands. The following scene is just after she destroyed the creatures:
Smoke filled the sky and the occasional popping of the fires replaced the screams and thrashing of the creatures. Sergeant Summers, blood streaming from his forehead and arms, approached her with wild eyes constantly moving from the blackened forms to her. She held her burning hands before her in a plea for help. He startled backward, pointed his gun at her with a shaking hand and pulled the trigger.
Fire stabbed through Kathryn’s chest and she fell backward. She cried out and her now-extinguished hands clutched the wound just below her right shoulder. It felt like a bomb went off inside her chest and she felt her right lung begin to squeeze. Her agonizing and short breaths didn’t mask Sergeant Summers’ panicked words.
“Oh my God, Kathryn, I didn’t realize it was you. All I saw was the fire…”
He leaned over her, the whites of his eyes a stark contrast to the soot on his face. Looking past him, she saw the swirling smoke clear and the dark forms flying above them. They reminded her of vultures circling their next meal, except these vultures had wingspans the size of a small plane. Sergeant Summers followed her gaze. She heard his gun drop from his hands and thud onto the ground.
“I’m sorry.” He left her field of vision and the sand crunched with the sound of his fleeing steps.
Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes into her ears.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wow! Great job! I only have two tiny comments. One is that I wish you gave us some reaction by Kathryn as she realizes he's going to shoot her, so we're tied a little tighter to her shock/horror. The other is the last line. TINY nitpick, but I don't like that you have her tears running into her ears. It seems a little funny given the deep intensity of the scene. Overall though, great job and very exciting!
ReplyDeleteThis is great!
ReplyDeleteIf his eyes are moving from the monsters to her, then how does he not see her?
I like all of your action, but perhaps make it go a little faster after the shot and/or during? Right now the pace just seems too constant for this scene.
Cheers! Overall it's very exciting.
I liked this a lot, but I, too, wonder how the sergeant doesn't see the difference between her and the giant flying creatures overhead. She's a tiny human and they're the size of small airplanes. Maybe he could be temporarily blinded and only hears something in front of him, so he automatically shoots it. I also don't understand why he drops his gun. I assume he runs away because he's scared (so I immediately dislike him), but I'd think he would take the gun with him to protect himself. If he's giving her the gun, then he should say so before fleeing.
ReplyDeleteMore of her emotions need to come through here. Is she shocked by Summers' action? Or did she expect it because he's a douche bag? Is her reaction frightened? Angry? Stunned? She describes what she sees, but there's no sense of what she feels. What's obvious to you may not be obvious to the reader.
I'd like more of an emotional reaction from Kathryn. We get what the physical sensation, but I want to know what she thinks about being shot by her friend/companion.
ReplyDeleteAlso, aside from her glowing hands, what makes the guy think she's an unrecognizable monster?
i agree with wanting more of what she was thinking,
ReplyDeletebut i can see that during the intensity of what just happened with her glowing hands in the midst of smoke cover coming at him might freak him out, if he wasnt expecting her or if he's a jumpy guy...
i liked it!
I absolutely did not see the shot coming. I think I'm as shocked as the girl.
ReplyDeleteThe only think I found the criticize may be just me. His eyes can't move from the monsters to her. His gaze can, but his eyes stay in his head, i hope.
Only thing that bothered me was, "He startled backward" -- the use of startled as a verb here stopped the story for me.
ReplyDeleteI also would like more of an emotional response from Kathryn. Otherwise, this is a solid scene. I didn't expect him to shoot her!
ReplyDelete