TITLE: Evolution: Threads of Control
GENRE: YA High Fantasy
Jimmy Ranfaz, a teenager from Earth, supposedly imbued with incredible psionic abilities is called upon by tree-descendant humans from Ulfitron to save their race from an old nemesis. His training progresses very poorly when an unexpected attack on their enclave catches him off-guard and nearly kills him.
His mind went blank as his body was launched several feet in the air, hair flailing wildly in the strong wind which blew around the mounds. He felt his limbs go limp as he twisted in the air and his vision blurred from the greying sky to a smudge of cyan and brown as he spiralled back towards the ground.
Blood rushed in torrents into his brain as he accelerated downwards alarmingly. His heartbeat reached a crescendo and fear gripped him as he saw the ground, only a couple of feet away. Almost as suddenly as the first blast, he felt another shockwave crash against his body as he was buffeted away from the ground, swirling head over heels but simultaneously propelled upwards again.
The air had been knocked out of his lungs with the first blow but this one felt as if his entire body had been crushed. Every bone and joint was stretched to a painful limit till he started feeling nauseous from the simple realization of number of muscles and bones he had. He barely had time to comprehend the distance he was being flung, when his eyes flew wide open due to the increasing acceleration. Tears started forming involuntarily with the evening breeze cutting through him like cold sharp ice, when he crashed against a hard surface.
His back gave an audible crack and pointed timber pierced through his entire mid-section. A long disembodied shout echoed dully in the background, as his thoughts winked out.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this. I can really feel the MC's pain as he experiences each additional blow.
ReplyDelete" Tears started forming involuntarily with the evening breeze cutting through him like cold sharp ice, when he crashed against a hard surface." This sentence struck me as being a little out of sync for some reason. Maybe too many concepts all together?
The lead in to your story is very intriguing, and I love some of your descriptions... like "smudge of cyan" and "disembodied shout." You have a talent for beautiful descriptions!
ReplyDeleteHowever, I was a bit distracted by the wordiness of the writing. I think there are a lot of things you can cut. Condensing sentences to make the story both more concise and more intense. For example:
"His back arched, body launched into the air against gravity, hair flailing behind. His mind blanked. Limbs twisting and vision blurring, he rocketed back to the smudge of cyan brown earth."
Something like this uses half as many words, but you can still feel the intensity.... AND it doesn't compromise your oh-so-awesome descriptions!
Obviously, my example needs work too! I just whipped it out fast ( : But you get the idea.
That's my only suggestion. You're a great writer! Good luck with your endeavors!
This is great at getting across the emotions that you wanted to portray! I agree with the others that it's a bit wordy, but I think you can easily fix that and in doing so, you will pick up the pace of the narration and add a bit more tension to the scene.
ReplyDeleteI feel the pain, but I can't picture anything. There are lots of descriptive words, but I keep searching for who/what is doing the action. And although I'm sure he feels pain, I don't see him feeling/reacting in any other way.
ReplyDeleteI would cut some of the description and watch for adverbs.
But, otherwise you do have some great descriptions of what is done to his body!
This is great (and the idea from the small info bit sounds interesting), and I think the main issue with it is how passive this is.
ReplyDelete"...his body was launched..." Go ahead and tell us what launched his body, and then use your modifier. That will hopefully make the action seem more present and the pace faster.
I'd cut "back" from the final sentence of the first paragraph (unless he didn't start on the ground).
I doubt his blood "rushed in torrents". While this creates a great picture, it's somewhat questionable and slows down this fall. Likewise, "accelerated downwards alarmingly" cuts the reader off from the pain and action taking place. I think you could cut this and use the words to say something else.
The sentences in the last paragraph are just a tad long. Keep the excellent detail, but cut the sentences down in some places.
The final paragraph is great, but still oddly long. Reading it aloud just feels odd. Try shortening it, but saying the same thing. "Impaled" would give us the same thing, but in less words.
Of course, these are just my personal thoughts. You've already got a good passage. Good job, and cheers!
I think the idea of "tree-descendant humans" could be very interesting. I'm a sucker for the fantasy books involving people from Earth going to another world. However, I agree with the other posters. I like the idea of the story and the scene, but it's fairly wordy. With the length of the sentences and paragraphs, it feels like he's flying through the air for a mile. Adverbs are not your friend either. If you shorten things, I think it will move the action along and him getting hurt at the end will be even more powerful.
ReplyDelete