TITLE: Gifted (WIP)
GENRE: YA
Devlin has been tasked with tracking down, and capturing, the last known female Gaian, a powerful Elemental. While traversing through mountains, Devlin is cornered by a less-than-friendly Patrol Squad.
The hair on my head lifts with the electric charge in the air. The Patrollers on either side of me fire on each other as I hit the dirt. They are powerless victims to the current from the opposite side of the circle. The four men look like grotesque marionettes, arched backs and contorted limbs. They shake with the deadly current, foamy spittle forming on their lips. Smoke seeps from their eye sockets as they burn.
Four down, nine to go.
I cock my head to the side. Another pair slump in the bushes behind me with bullet holes in their foreheads. Damn. The Patrollers also have conventional weapons.
Seven.
The smell of singed hair burns my nose. Other Patrol members slam their weapons into the hands of the still standing briquettes. The electric current illuminates the forest like a bonfire.
Stupid.
Another flare of light and three more men are thrown back by the explosion. They smash into tall pines with a sickening crunch.
Four. Three Patrol members and Chubs.
With the contact from the Air weapons broken, the forest falls dark. But I’d planned on it. My eyes are closed. The cap is back in place, low over my eyes.
It’s show time.
The remaining four are stunned by the change in light. They never see me coming.
The business end of my scimitar slices across the midsection of a guard. I spin and split open another guard before the first man’s innards mix with the pine needles and dirt.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The specific description in the first paragraph really brought the scene to life for me.
ReplyDeleteI like the italics the first couple times they are used, but the device loses its power for me after that. I'd like for you to establish how many foes are left with italics and then go back into description without chopping it up with more italics.
By the phrase "Another flare of light" I am a bit lost as to who is creating it and where it's coming from.
I like the concept of this piece and the use of fantastical weapons. With a bit more explanation, which may be due to the fact that this is an excerpt, I would enjoy reading more.
i liked the intensity and excitement of the scene. It was clear and fast moving.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
I thought your writing was great with really excellent description, "The four men look like grotesque marionettes..." But I didn't really feel the tension in this piece because your narrator doesn't. People are firing weapons over her head? Isn't she scared? Is there any threat to her at all? Is there any possibility this could all go horribly wrong? From this it seems like she's simply waiting for it to end, which in turn, makes me feel the same way. I'd like to see more emotion and maybe the potential for disaster.
ReplyDeleteYou're a fantastic descriptive writer, I love the first paragraph. The body countdown is different, I like it, but I find the other italicized comments distracting. Personally, I would roll the extra comments into the neighboring paragraphs or do away with them altogether.
ReplyDeleteI was all set to comment but then I read one of the above commenters who saw your MC as a female and that just went over my head completely (I thought Devlin was a boy's name). So, if I missed something as fundamental as the gender of the hero I will just keep my comments to myself because I must have missed something more.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous commenters that the description is well written, but my issue is that the hero/ heroine (not confident to say which) is passive until the final few lines.
ReplyDeleteThings happen to the assailants that the MC does not control. Ok, maybe the MC set all this up in a previous scene, but the reader doesnt know it. I think an action scene requires the MC to be active, otherwise the reader feels as if somebody's telling them about an exciting thing that happened last night, rather than living through it with the MC.
I agree with the above commenter about the gender of the MC. I thought it was a boy and read it in that "space" but if it is a girl I also missed too much to comment because that is so key to the whole story - i.e. a boy or girl. Rachel must have seen something I did not. I thought it was a dude.
ReplyDelete