TITLE: THE BELL RINGER
GENRE: Adult Dystopian
My heroine encounters a delusional super villain wannabe whose DNA was altered by a radioactive solar storm. The villain is telekinetic.
Okay, I was done with this whacko. It wasn't like he'd kill me for trespassing. He wanted to show off, and I was dutifully impressed, but it was high time he got over himself. I waved him off and resumed walking toward the tent.
He didn't hit me this time. He choked me instead, hands free. Standing on the branch of his mighty cottonwood, he glared down at me while leaning against the trunk and holding out both his hands clenched into fists. I gasped for hair, his invisible fingers crushing my windpipe. I'd been wrong. He would kill me for trespassing.
I dropped to my knees, my eyes swelling in their sockets and my hands desperately grappling at what wasn't there. My fingernails dug into my neck in a desperate attempt to free myself from the stranglehold. The light around me dimmed and I knew I was about to pass out.
The sound of squealing tires sounded distant, and then the patter of running feet. Someone grabbed me around the waist to lower me gently to the ground. Whoever it was yelled something I couldn't make out, but I managed to catch a few words: die, kill, crazy bastard. A sudden wind whistled in my ears and tossled my short hair. I blinked, my vision clearing as the choking sensation faded and I could finally breathe again.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This lacks immediacy. Consequently I don't feel the tension.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise, but I'm also not feeling the tension. It's clear what's happening but it has to be written differently to convey a sense of danger and panic
ReplyDeleteMaybe something like:
I stopped before the tent when I realized: I couldn't breathe.
Then you could describe how she was frantically feeling at her neck for the invisible hands choking her and other actions that would make the reader feel as panicked as she should be. Right now she seems too casual about the incident.
i felt the intensity... i liked it!
ReplyDeleteThis feels a little cliche, even the rescue. I think the hands-free choking works, but a lot of the description needs more unique descriptions to make it unique.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice, but maybe you can pour more actions in the words. Right now it feels like I have read similar stuff a hundred times. A little more action could make it work wonders!
ReplyDeleteI like the voice, but maybe you can pour more actions in the words. Right now it feels like I have read similar stuff a hundred times. A little more action could make it work wonders!
ReplyDeleteI like the voice, but maybe you can pour more actions in the words. Right now it feels like I have read similar stuff a hundred times. A little more action could make it work wonders!
ReplyDeleteExcellent voice, you certainly pulled me into the story. That being said, I do agree you should put a bit more panic and urgency into the strangulation. Your character is dying. Let the reader feel it.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice as well. There was one typo that you'll want to fix "I gasped for hair" I assume that should be "air."
ReplyDeleteIn terms of her being casual about the encounter initially, my impression is that it's overconfidence which could be explained by her actions before this passage. If she's the heroine, I'm curious if she has her own powers. If so, I would expect her to try and fight back.
Having someone rescue her makes her appear weaker than she might be, so just keep that in mind. I would continue reading to find out who rescued her and the voice stands out for me. Good job!
I like the first part until you start using indefinite pronouns like "it" which call for clarification.
ReplyDeleteGreat concept of invisible hands!