TITLE: You'd Better Run
GENRE: action adventure
Rick and Renée are held at gunpoint in their hotel suite. When the assailant realizes Rick is a threat, the crook attempts to kill him.
He starts to raise the gun, Renée throws the bottle of vodka across the room. It bounces off his head, knocking him sideways.
My body reacts instinctively. I smash my fist into the guy’s jaw with everything I have. The gunman staggers but stays on his feet. He tightens his grip on the weapon. Even though he can’t see a thing, he’s about to shoot. Renée slams her foot into the back of the guy’s leg, then wraps an electrical cord around his neck and pulls it taut.
I dive to the ground. Two muffled shots rip over my head.
The intruder drops his gun and tries to pull the cord away from his windpipe. Renée’s having her own difficulties. The wire is tangled with a floor lamp and the shade keeps bopping her in the head every time she tries to get a better grip on the cord. She pushes the lamp aside, but it stubbornly returns and knocks her in the head again and again.
Finally she releases her grip on the cord and angrily shoves the lamp onto its side. The assailant takes that moment to regain his balance. He whirls around to face her and makes a colossal lunge at her. Unfortunately the far end of the cord is wrapped around the built-in mahogany desk. The wire snaps tight and the assailant’s windpipe is crushed. A sharp snap comes from the man’s neck. He falls backwards onto the carpet, twitches several times and then stops moving.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I thought I was reading stage direction. How does the narrator feel about what's happening? Is he sore? Is his heart pounding? Does he care about Renee being attacked?
ReplyDeleteLove it! I would like Rick to say he finds himself looking down the barrel of the gun right before he dives for the ground in the middle of the page.
ReplyDelete-Merry
The action and pacing are great. I wondered what Rick was doing for the last two paragraphs. Renee is struggling, but as far as I know Rick is just on the floor after the shots rang out. Wouldn't he help her as she struggled with the cord? If there's a reason he can't, I think it should be there (like Rick is injured or blocked from helping somehow).
ReplyDeleteA few snippets of reaction from Rick would help, maybe a combo of what @Reader Rob said and to show what Rick's role is in the later part of the scene. Best of luck writing!
Something about the pacing feels a little off to me.
ReplyDeleteRick watches so much happen to Renee in a very short paragraph, but does nothing to help (and it feels he's not otherwise occupied at that point).
Then in the final paragraph, so much happens with so few words, it's hard to care or really feel the tension - it feels more like a list of steps. Like someone said, stage directions, no emotion.
But you have set up a scene in which a lot is riding and shown us the characters are each capable of handling themselve and I can follow the action.
its hard to get a confusing, split second decision making scene to flow! you did well! to back away from stage directions, i suggest giving a little of what he's thinking and smoothing some of it...like these sentences
ReplyDelete...Staggering, the gunman stays on his feet. He blindly takes aim and Renée slams her foot into the back of the guy’s leg. As he falls, Renee grabs an electrical cord and wraps it around his neck, pulling it taut.
just mho! love the scene, rooting for Renee & Rick!
I really enjoyed the humor infused into your action scene.
ReplyDeleteIf I'm being nitpicky then I'd suggest showing an action in the 2nd paragraph to describe that the assailant can't see, rather than telling us he can't see a thing. He stars aiming in circles with his eyes narrowed or something.
Also, what is a colossal lunge? I love the language, it sounds funny, but I also picture a guy with a foil trying to fence... Is he reaching for her neck as he lunges?
i also stumbled over the phrase colossal lunge. I just couldn't picture what he was aiming for, and the assailant came across more as a comical Home Alone type burglar than a real threat.
ReplyDeleteYour action is really clear and concise. It's fast and easy to follow, but I agree that we need just a tiny bit more from Rick. How does he react to all this? And what on earth is he doing while Renee does all the work?
Just a nit or two.
ReplyDeleteHe starts to raise the gun, Renée throws the bottle of vodka across the room (AT HIM). It bounces off his head, knocking him sideways. TECHNICALLY, WITHOUT 'AT HIM,' YOU HAVE "HIS HEAD" AS BEING RENEE'S.
I'M NOT SURE YOU'D KNOW ALL THIS: He tightens his grip on the weapon. Even though he can’t see a thing, he’s about to shoot. DOES HE RAISE IT AND POINT?
WHY WERE THE SHOTS MUFFLED?
stubbornly returns and knocks her in the head again and again. ...AND CONTINUES KNOCKING HER HEAD
Finally she releases her grip on the cord and angrily shoves. DO YOU REALLY NEED 'AND ANGRILY SHOVES.' ?
He whirls around to face her and makes a colossal lunge at her. HE LUNGES AT HER.
The wire snaps tight and the assailant’s windpipe is crushed. A sharp snap comes from the man’s neck. HOW ABOUT: THE WIRE SNAPS TAUGHT, A SHARP SNAP, AND THE MAN'S WINDPIPE IS CRUSHED.
A nice piece. Good luck.
Rick and Renée are held at gunpoint in their hotel suite. When the assailant realizes Rick is a threat, the crook attempts to kill him.
ReplyDeleteHe starts to raises the gun.
NP, Renée throws the bottle of vodka across the room. It bounces off his head, knocking him sideways.
My body reacts instinctively.**He wouldn’t think it first, he’d just react, then would he really think that at that moment?** I smash my fist into the guy’s jaw with everything I have.
NPThe gunman staggers but stays on his feet. He tightens his grip on the weapon. Even though he can’t see a thing, he’s about to shoot. Renée slams her foot into the back of the guy’s leg, then wraps an electrical cord around his neck and pulls it taut.
I dive to the ground.
NP Two muffled shots rip over my head.
The intruder drops his gun and tries to pull the cord away from his windpipe. Renée’s having her own difficulties. The The wire is tangled with a floor lamp and the shade keeps bopping bops her in the head every time she tries to get a better grip on the cord. She pushes the lamp aside, but it stubbornly returns and knocks her in the head again and again.
Finally*don’t need* **Move up and combine para she releases her grip on the cord and angrily shoves the lamp onto its side.
NP The assailant takes that moment to regains his balance, . He whirls around to face her and makes a colossal lunges at her. (Unfortunately)*IMO limit adverbs* the far The end of the cord is wrapped around the built-in mahogany desk. The wire snaps tight and the assailant’s windpipe is crushed. A **From a Rick’s POV he wouldn’t know that. But he would hear the following and can conclude tht the man’s neck is broken.** a sharp snap comes from the man’s neck. He falls backwards onto the carpet, twitches several times and then stops moving.
Fun reading
Rick and Renée are held at gunpoint in their hotel suite. When the assailant realizes Rick is a threat, the crook attempts to kill him.
ReplyDeleteHe starts to raises the gun.
NP, Renée throws the bottle of vodka across the room. It bounces off his head, knocking him sideways.
My body reacts instinctively.**He wouldn’t think it first, he’d just react, then would he really think that at that moment?** I smash my fist into the guy’s jaw with everything I have.
NPThe gunman staggers but stays on his feet. He tightens his grip on the weapon. Even though he can’t see a thing, he’s about to shoot. Renée slams her foot into the back of the guy’s leg, then wraps an electrical cord around his neck and pulls it taut.
I dive to the ground.
NP Two muffled shots rip over my head.
The intruder drops his gun and tries to pull the cord away from his windpipe. Renée’s having her own difficulties. The The wire is tangled with a floor lamp and the shade keeps bopping bops her in the head every time she tries to get a better grip on the cord. She pushes the lamp aside, but it stubbornly returns and knocks her in the head again and again.
Finally*don’t need* **Move up and combine para she releases her grip on the cord and angrily shoves the lamp onto its side.
NP The assailant takes that moment to regains his balance, . He whirls around to face her and makes a colossal lunges at her. (Unfortunately)*IMO limit adverbs* the far The end of the cord is wrapped around the built-in mahogany desk. The wire snaps tight and the assailant’s windpipe is crushed. A **From a Rick’s POV he wouldn’t know that. But he would hear the following and can conclude tht the man’s neck is broken.** a sharp snap comes from the man’s neck. He falls backwards onto the carpet, twitches several times and then stops moving.
Fun reading
I thought the elaborate description of the cord around his neck was well done because it was something that was difficult to convey in words but you managed that quite well - esp. the little detail of how the shade was a hindrance. However, the scene itself seems contrived in a James Bond way - as in, throwing the bottle of Vodka etc and what kind of a Keystone Cop assailant is it that he loses control of a situation when HE has the gun? It strains credulity. But, the description was really good if you could overcome the logic. Of course, that might be entirely consistent with your book so if that is the case then it works just fine - but as a realistic rendition it falls short. So, only you know what you are going for - James Bond is not realistic yet it works etc. But, again, the writing was strong within the situation you posited.
ReplyDeleteYour MCs are kick-ass, which is a great thing. In their situation, I would be cowering in a fetal ball begging the gunman to not hurt me.
ReplyDeleteAre they cops, spies - what?
A few nits- if you start the first par with "the intruder" rather than just "he", it would give a better perspective straight away. Then you could start para 4 with "he" instead.
Also, he could have squeezed the trigger in the time it takes the bottle of vodka to hurl across the room, unless Renee is a chapmpion pitcher or.... unless he was looking at someone else (ie, Rick). So a little more detail needed.
I like the detail about Renee getting bopped on the head by the shade! The man's death is also very visceral.
ReplyDeleteI have trouble believing that he doesn't instinctively shoot when "even though he can't see a thing..." There's no way they could have pre-empted that. It's just hard to SEE when someone's flailing about and ready to fire off a gun. You'd have to be batman to see that ahead of time.
I also thought "with everything I have" seemed a little purple. That's just me, though. = 0 Thanks for sharing!
I agree with Reader Rob, this sounds like a play-by-play. I'd love to see what Rick is thinking/feeling while this is all happening.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other posters. There's very little feeling in this scene. I also like the details with the electrical cord. However, just how long is this cord? Is this the lamp's cord? If it is, I'm having a difficult time picturing the cord being long enough to wrap around the guy's neck and be wrapped around the built-in mahogany desk. Most of the lamps I've seen have pretty short cords.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure the main character would know if the assailant's windpipe was crushed. I think it makes more sense as "The wire snaps tight and a sharp snap comes from the man’s neck." Otherwise, is seems like his windpipe is crushed, then we hear the snap from the neck when that would probably happen at the same time.
I think adding more emotion would make this a pretty good action scene overall.