TITLE: LANDING MELODY
GENRE: MG Fantasy
A red leather box grabbed her attention.
Stella ran her finger across the top, faded from being next to the only window in the attic. She touched the copper latch. It popped open, and she pushed up the lid. Inside, a flute nestled in a silk cloth.
The design appeared to be the same as a regular metal flute—other than where it was supposed to be metal, there was oak-like wood.
Polished. Dark. It looked so smooth and inviting. Leaning forward, Stella reached out and touched it—
“OWW!” Sparks jumped out from it, and she stumbled back, clutching her wrist. Streams of pain shot up her arm.
She howled and curled to the floor. Her arm shook and buzzed as though she'd stuck her finger in an outlet. She clenched her hand and shrieked as another wave of pain pulsed through her veins. Then she thumped to the floor and blacked out.
FORTY MINUTES EARLIER. . .
Anything would have been better than this.
Stella stood in the doorway of the Victorian home and reached for her godfather's hand. Paris took it and squeezed.
“You all right?” His words dropped like pebbles in the silence.
Stella nodded.
It wasn't true.
“Just seems so big,” she whispered. How stupid that sounded. Why be afraid of a house when she needed to worry about the reason she stood in front of it?
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm sorry, but the whole "Forty minutes earlier" bit takes me TOTALLY out of the story. Can you work it in somehow to incorporate it as part of the story rather than take us out of the moment?
ReplyDeleteA magical instrument -- cool premise! I was okay with "Forty Minutes Earlier." The start was compelling, and now we'll make our way back to that moment in time. I've seen a similar technique in Real Mermaids Don't Wear Toe Rings.
ReplyDeleteThe last line would have more impact without "Then," like this: Stella thumped to the floor and blacked out.
I agree forty minutes pulled me out. Why not just start the story forty minutes earlier.
ReplyDeleteThis didn't hook me in. Unfortunately.
The opening simply didn't pique my interest. I also found the writing on the static side. The personal pronoun starts made it feel stop go and messed with the fluidity with the narrative. For me.
I also didn't get the forty minutes earlier...I guess I kept thinking how much can happen in forty minutes. Why not set up the story chronologically, then a few pages in she finds the instrument.
ReplyDeleteAn alternative is to write a true prologue about how the flute got in the attic in the first place.
I have to agree with some other commenters about the forty minutes earlier thing. Other than that, not bad.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of a musical instrument being the key magic in this story. There are a lot of places you could go with that.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like the "Forty Minutes Earlier" shift, either. I was actually more taken in by the start when she's in front of the house. She seemed more accessible there, and I was interested in what she was worried about.
The start with the flute was just too dramatic for my tastes. It would have mattered more if I'd gotten that scene after I knew something about Stella, her situation, or this world, but as it is, but right now, I don't really care about the character or understand any stakes surrounding this event.
There's also something in the order of reactions to touching the flute that seems off... something out of order or too much description of the same sensation--I'm not quite sure I can put my finger on it.
I think with some rework on the opening, you could make this more engaging.
I'll join the vote to just start forty minutes earlier. I found the description of the box and the flute a little overdone, but if there had been more build up to that moment so we could see why it's important (or that she's in a forbidden place or whatever the story is), the drama would feel more earned instead of forced.
ReplyDeleteI would just start with the forty minutes earlier. I agree I was more interested with a girl overwhelmed with her new circumstances.
ReplyDeleteIf we get to see her and be with her for those forty minutes and know who she is I think we will care more when we discover the magic flute.
I wondered why you didn’t just tell this chronologically, since you’re only going forty minutes earlier, and the forty minutes earlier scene has a nice, eerie feel to it. You just know something is going to go wrong in this house. I’d suggest starting with that scene. You may not get to the red box in the first 250 words, but you don’t want to give everything away up front, either. And the box would fade from sunlight coming through the window, not because it was next to the window.
ReplyDeleteYou've started in the wrong place. The prologue/hook isn't doing its job because we don't yet care about Stella, and the strange flute isn't a unique enough concept to keep us on the edge of our seat wanting to know how she got there and what it is.
ReplyDeleteAlso, remember that a reader normally would begin with back cover copy or a query, and therefore would know the how and why of the red box, ruining your surprise.
To set this concept (girl is in a new place, finds a magic object that changes her life) apart in the market, the voice needs to be much stronger.