TITLE: The Wild
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi
For my sixteenth birthday my parents staged my death. The stakes were higher since I was so old. Sometimes under tens had sudden "fatal" accidents. But my parents couldn't bear to push me out into the Wild before I was tagged, so they hoped for things to change, but tried to prepare me in case they didn't. And well, they didn't. They got worse.
One little green pill under my tongue and I was puking my guts all over the field at Regiment training. Rank, I know, but kind of funny watching the officers running around trying to figure out what to do with me. I don't think anyone had ever been sick at training before, except for normal stuff like exhaustion or heat stroke or injuries.
I spent the next morning, my real birthday and my fake deathday, at home dumping water in the stainless steel toilet and making retching noises. When Mom got home from her half day at the clinic I made a final trip to the toilet, my throat raw from my supreme acting. It was show time. No turning back now.
"Oh Lucas, I was hoping you'd be better for your birthday," my mom said. "I requested cupcakes."
Nice touch. I smiled.
She grinned at me and winked.
I took the herbs from her and lay down on the hover board, glancing around my bedroom one last time. Would it look different when I was officially dead? Of course, if they caught us, I'd be actually dead.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love the opening here! The starting sentence is a great hook and I found it really engaging.
ReplyDeleteYou do a great job with world building as well, giving me just enough to get a taste of things without bogging everything down.
I was a little confused by the fact that Lucas is really puking at Regiment training, but then seems to be faking it when he's at home alone.
I assume it's cleared up as to why that is, but just looking at the starting 250 words it's a little weird!
I would definitely read more of this. It has me hooked and wondering more about the setting and what's going on.
I agree with the comment about the real vs. fake puking. Also, the fact that they are smiling and winking makes take me out of the suspense. It makes it feel like they aren't taking it as seriously as I had been (until that moment). I like that he is intereacting with his mother, but maybe it could be less...jovial considering the consequences if they get caught? Just something to consider. I know we are only getting the first bit. It is really interesting though, and I would read more.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the first line and the second paragraph really captures your MC's voice.
ReplyDeleteI also love the interplay between Lucas and his mother, although I can see thinking behind the comment that it seems like they should be taking this more seriously given that you end on a note saying that he COULD actually be killed.
I'm definitely intrigued though and would keep reading.
Nice! I would read on. I like the voice and the way you've incorporated some of the culture along with the character development. :)
ReplyDeleteI liked it a lot, it flows very smoothly with lots of interesting details.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
I really love the first line. Think this has huge potential. It does get a bit confusing as there is a lot of information and I am concerned you are rushing it to make the beginning have an impact. I might slow it down a bit. And expand. But that's my personal preference. Still, I think this is interesting. And would read on.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting. I like this, and would definitely read on. My only nit-pick is at the end of the first paragraph. "... they didn't. They got worse." While I understand that you're referring to the "things" your cast hopes will change, there is an awful lot of "they" in there, referring to both "things" and the parents. It tripped me up and I had to read it twice. Maybe changing it to: "And well, things didn't get better. They got worse." would even it out a little.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck. :)
This is a really intriguing opening. I would love to read more to find out what the Wild is and why he has to fake his death.
ReplyDeleteI assumed he was real puking at training because people would see it, but fake puking at home was okay because they're only being listened in on. If that's case, you might try to make it clearer.
I liked the opening, but I did stumble a little over the paragraph, and had to reread to figure out what "Sometimes under tens" meant. I would break up that three-part compound sentence so it's more digestible.
Overall, nice job setting up story questions.
Hooked! The first sentence made me pause in admiration, and the rest delivered on the great promise. I didn't have any problem with real vs. fake vomiting. I assumed the same explanation Heather did (vomiting is horrible and why do it for real if no one can see?), and didn't need any clarification. I can't wait to see what The Wild is and why Lucas (or anybody else) might be sent there.
ReplyDeleteA tiny, tiny nit: I was unsure about why he took herbs and then lay down on the hoverboard. Is that how he's escaping? What are the herbs for? But since it's at the end of the excerpt, I assume the next paragraph(s) will clear up my confusion.
Good work!
This is a solid opening, and one I think should attract attention with the popularity of The Hunger Games. Something is plainly up here, and I think many readers would want to find out what it is.
ReplyDeleteYour first line is brilliant. Its the kind of first line every writer strives for. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI would totally read more. I want to know what happens - if Lucas gets caught, etc!
I’m hooked. I want to know what’s going on here. What’s so horrible about going out in the Wild that would make someone fake their death? And will they succeed? Problems arise either way.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that would have me hesitating on this is how dystopian it is. But overall, good voice, good hook.
ReplyDelete