TITLE: The Curse
GENRE: YA fantasy
Cynthia opened her eyes to cold, dark disappointment. Though hot under her skin, the chill of the room crept in all around. Like always, her dream had felt so real, with dancing and laughter, singing… and him. His loving embrace, his soft kisses, and that voice, I’ve been waiting for you. Like a breath on her neck, the memory sent warm shivers down her arms and through her chest. Her eyes fluttered closed and she almost wished…
For what? More dances? More kisses?
Love?
The thought made her blush. It was a fantasy, for goodness sake! He wasn’t real. Moreover, there was her curse to consider. Even if her dream prince showed up with the dawn to carry her away, she would not go with him. Not until the curse was broken. Until then, she could never believe in love.
The fluttering in her stomach stopped and Cynthia was left with only the cold around her. She opened her eyes to all that was grim and ugly in her life. No dreams. No fantasies. Like a drop of paint in too much water, or too much reality, her whimsical wish faded into nothing.
Outside, the first hint of morning pinked the sky and birds sang in the gardens beyond her sight. Brownstone Castle would be rife with activity before long. There would be servants to avoid, obligations to dodge… and the queen. Oh, what could she want this time?
Cynthia was not ready.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Good writing, you made me curious as to what she's cursed with and why it would keep her from love. The phrase "like a breath on her neck" is kinda awkward, but I get the picture.
ReplyDeleteI liked the last full paragraph the best and her dread of the queen. The last line threw me a little, ready for what? The day? Facing the queen? Overall, I'd read on.
Starting with waking up is one of my pet peeves, so I was turned off right off the bat. I didn't understand the second line. The dream bit felt cliched.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't read on with this.
I wonder if it isn't better to start this story with the second to last paragraph.
Ooh, I really like this! I'm a huge fan of fairytales, so I loved the tone of this. I love your first line and how it contrasts with the warmth of her dream. The third paragraph really intrigued me--how she wouldn't go with the prince because of a curse. Your writing is strong and the descriptions are amazing. I particularly liked the one about the drop of paint in too much water. I would totally read on. I'm sorry I don't have anything helpful to say--I like this just as it is. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI really like this!!! Starting a book with the MC waking up is a bit iffy, but I think you pulled it off nicely. Good work! :)
ReplyDeleteI liked the premise of this and the writing.
ReplyDeleteI also liked the way you drew us close to the main character but showing us her feelings and the kind of world she is living in.
I want to know whether she finds love.
The writing is fairly clear and engaging, and you have some nice turns of phrase.
ReplyDeleteI'm not opposed to "waking up" openings, but the issue for me here is that you focus so long on the dream that I have no clue for five paragraphs what kind of scene we're in or how Cynthia fits into her own world. In the sixth paragraph, you mention a castle and the queen, but I'm still not sure what Cynthia's place is.
I would suggest bumping some actual scene-setting clues to the front, provide a little more action, and pepper the memories of the dream into the beginning of her day so the reader doesn't feel adrift in the waking up.
I was going to suggest just what Heather said: start with her going about her day and have her remember the dream. Maybe she's forgotten it and something she does or experiences jogs her memory? That way you could avoid the "waking up" or "waking up from a dream" opening.
ReplyDeleteNothing happened. The MC laid in bed and thought. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with it, it’s just that it’s not very exciting. It’s the kind of scene suited better for the middle of a chapter, or the middle of a book.
ReplyDeleteThis girl has a curse on her, and she has a bothersome Queen on her back, so why not start with the queen giving her a hard time, or show us her curse in action, and while you’re doing that, you can still drop in a line or two about her dream last night. Would you rather hear about what your best friend dreamed last night, or about the day she was kidnapped and held for ransom? Let something happen on that first page
This feels very fairy tale retelling (like the tale that Shrek is based upon), but doesn't bring anything new to the genre.
ReplyDeleteBesides starting with both a dream and waking up (both pet peeves of mine--and many other agents), you give too much information in this short passage, and it's all telling. You're telling us exactly what she wants out of life, what she cannot have, and why. Though you keep her curse a secret, it's been done often enough that readers aren't that suprised by an ogre princess anymore (or other affliction).
Once again, Barbara stole what I was going to say. Start with a conflict scene in which we can see her struggling with her life. Have her fall in love with a prince, then pull back--rather than you telling us she won't let herself even think about love.