TITLE: Of Sacred Powers and Beasts Divine
GENRE: Epic Fantasy
The Citadel walls rumbled, rattling sconces and weapon racks, rousing Dusk from his fist-induced stupor. He opened his eyes, tearing the seal of dried blood, and realized the rumbling wasn’t the first he’d heard--the ones before had been incorporated into his dreams, an accompaniment to visions of bloody-knuckled fists and taunting laughter.
His hands were strapped and tied to an oaken ceiling beam. Nightshade was gone. Dusk was alone in the east barrack’s common room, where he had spent many late nights drinking and dicing with the other Attuned--men he had called brother for as long as his memory stretched.
Another explosion boomed. Men shouted. Feet pounded. Dust motes floated down through the gloom, sparkling in the ruddy light passing through the narrow window set high in the stone wall behind him.
Fire.
Dusk’s heart raced, his palms slicked with sweat. Even after years in the presence of Mages, the thought of the dragons they kept, and the fire the dragons breathed, was nearly enough to unman him. But the glow of the fire passing through the window was different from dragon fire. This fire was mundane, the kind that simply destroyed. Dragon fire devoured with a ferocity that hinted at sentience.
Dusk tested the straps holding him and cursed himself for falling into the trap. Nightshade had let Dusk ride right to the city gate before ordering his arrest, waiting for the largest possible audience, the greatest opportunity for humiliation. Or was Dusk himself to blame for his current circumstance?
Miss Snark's First Victim
Well, you've certainly thrown your main character into an unenviable position!
ReplyDeleteI like how you apply your character's voice to everything, though I'm a little concerned about the tangents you go off on occasionally. The snippets about dragon fire and the common room do color the world, but I'm not sure if he'd be thinking about those things in his current situation, tied to the ceiling of a burning building.
On a more personal note, when I first heard the name 'Nightshade', I thought that was his horse. Hearing that it was a person was somewhat jarring.
Funny, I thought Nightshade was his horse, too. But, it didn't bother me it was a person. I had more trouble with the MC's name, Dusk. Then, when you started a sentence with "Dust" that really confused me. But, it's probably just me.
ReplyDeleteGood writing and good setting the scene. It was easy to read and flowed well (besides the name issues). I like the idea of different types of fire. Cool.
Fantasy isn't my thing, but I'd read on.
The writing for this isn't engaging me the way I would like. I think the mention of Dusk six times bothered me as there are only 250 words in the excerpt.
ReplyDeleteEven in the examples given here I have read three where people are 'waking' either from sleep or being knocked out. I'd like to see a stronger opening than this.
I appreciate the scene setting in this; it gives me a strong visual. And there's a nice amount of voice. I'm not entirely sure the tension is strong enough, though. It should be, given the circumstances, but it gets bogged down with some odd asides and explanations.
ReplyDelete"fist-induced slumber" threw me off and I had to think about what that meant, and I'm not sure dissecting his dream and realizing that he'd heard the rumbling there, too, is the first thing he'd do on waking where he has.
The statement, "Even after years..." confused me a little. If he's been around Mages and dragons for years, then I figure he'd think about them often, in which case, he'd be unmanned more than he'd care to admit. And the rest of that paragraph seems very "as you know, Bob, dragon fire is different..." I think you could work that information in more naturally.
I also didn't think this was a good time to ruminate on how he got there instead of how he's going to get out--which would seem to be the crucial endeavor.
Although I found some of the common room paragraph out of place, what I did like about it very much was the mention of him being Attuned and the rub that he'd always thought of the men who've apparently betrayed him as brothers. I hope you can keep that part if you revise the rest.
Oh, I like this. Definitely would keep reading. Written very well, good tension, and while I'm not a dragon fan, I thought the description of dragon fire being almost sentient was seriously awesome--made me want to see/read it for myself. I want to know why Dusk was arrested, how he got where he is, and how he's going to get out! Best first 250 words I've read so far. ;)
ReplyDeleteI think you've got some great stuff here. Love the paragraph about the dust motes and gloom and ruddy light. very nice.
ReplyDeleteI'd change the title--seems unwieldy.
see other notes interspered below in [brackets]
The Citadel walls rumbled, rattling [gramatically you're saying that the citadel walls rattled the sconces, but it's something else rattling woth the sconces and the walls] sconces and weapon racks, rousing Dusk from his fist-induced stupor. He opened his eyes, tearing the [I would use "thier seal" instead of "the seal" for clarity] seal of dried blood, and realized the rumbling wasn’t the first he’d heard--the ones before [watch grammar "the rumbling" is singular whereas "the ones" is plural. perhaps say "the earlier blasts" instead of "the ones before" had been incorporated into his dreams, an accompaniment to visions of bloody-knuckled fists and taunting laughter.
His hands were strapped and tied to an oaken ceiling beam. Nightshade was gone. Dusk was alone in the east barrack’s common room, where he had spent many late nights drinking and dicing with the other Attuned--men he had called brother for as long as his memory stretched.
Another explosion boomed. Men shouted. Feet pounded. Dust motes floated down through the gloom, sparkling in the ruddy light passing through the narrow window set high in the stone wall behind him. [great paragraph]
Fire.
Dusk’s heart raced, his palms slicked with sweat. Even after years in the presence of Mages, the thought of the dragons they kept, and the fire the dragons breathed, was nearly enough to unman him. But the glow of the fire passing through the window was different from dragon fire. This fire was mundane, the kind that simply destroyed. Dragon fire devoured with a ferocity that hinted at sentience. [how 'bout: "dragon fire devoured with a sentient ferocity"]
Dusk tested the straps holding him and cursed himself for falling into the trap. Nightshade had let Dusk [I'd use "him" instead of Dusk, closer POV to Dusk] ride right to the city gate before ordering his arrest, waiting for the largest possible audience, the greatest opportunity for humiliation. Or was Dusk himself to blame for his current circumstance? [i'd change this to something like "He wanted to blame Nightshade, but maybe he had no one to blame but himself."]
good luck and nice work.
I really like your line "Dragon fire devoured with a ferocity that hinted at sentience."
ReplyDeleteI really liked this and I'm not much into dragons or high fantasy.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that threw me was that the "thought" of a dragon was enough to unman him. So I'm imagining him being castrated by his own thoughts and that didn't work so well!
but I did love that I felt the tension of his situation - good job!
You've got the elements for a really tense opening scene, and your descriptions are good, but as others have mentioned, thoughts about dragons and what he was dreaming about and how everything looks drain a lot of the tension away. I think it would take just a little pruning to really make this exciting.
ReplyDeleteMy only other concern is that he's tied up during the whole opening, so he's stuck observing instead of doing. And he doesn't even try to escape, just tests the straps. It seems more likely, if the place might actually be on fire, that his main focus would be trying to get loose.
I liked the middle of this and thought the beginning and end could go. The important thing is that he’s strapped to the ceiling beam and the place is on fire. Perhaps skip the whole waking up bit and start there. And then maybe cut that last parg because, once again, he’s strapped to the ceiling and the place is on fire. Is he really going to be thinking about how he got there? (which kills the tension) Perhaps instead, show us what he does to free himself. (which keeps the tension high.)
ReplyDeleteBarbara pretty much stole what I was going to say. You have good tension, but it's lost in the pacing. "fist-induced slumber" threw me off until the next sentence (I thought "fist" was a weird type of drug we didn't know about yet). But after the fact, I like the idea of "fist-induced." Starting with a character just waking up is a little cliche, but you may be able to work with it if you clarify "fist induced."
ReplyDeleteI love that people thought Nightshade was his horse, lol. I thought it was night shade, as in the shade of night or sunset or midnight--which threw me because the mc's name is Dusk.
I like the bit about sentient dragon fire--it almost pulls some of the tension from the scene, in an ironic way. Yes, there's a fire that could kill him. Oh, but don't worry, it's not dragons.
Ending on a question didn't come across as voice or self depreication--more as the narrator stalling us. I'd like to see more of Dusk's character--was he to blame for getting himself into this mess? Does he have a long rivalry with Nightshade involving Dusk saying things he probably shouldn't to get a rise out of him? Or is he purely victim of happenstance?