TITLE: The Unseen
GENRE: YA Fantasy
The brakes screeched as the bus ground to a halt, then the doors swung open and Erik stepped down onto the curb. It seemed a little bit quiet out for a Saturday, but it was still early. He turned the corner and walked down the street toward a used bookstore fronted with long windows. A little bell rang over his head as he pushed through the door and the manager, balding with a scruffy beard and glasses, looked up.
“Oh, hey kid,” he said.
“Hey,” said Erik, then they both ignored each other.
They said the same thing every time he came in, and Erik was sure the guy wouldn’t even notice if he said something different. He came in here every Saturday, looking for cheap books and CDs to buy before going down to the theatre where he worked part-time. All the staff knew him, and they usually just left him alone while he looked around. He decided to try the music first today and started flipping through battered CD cases, pulling out anything that looked vaguely interesting.
Holding an old punk album in one hand, he reached up to rub at the back of his neck with the other. He had this weird itch behind his head, an uncomfortable feeling that felt like someone was staring at him from behind, but that didn’t make sense. There was no one in the store but him and the manager, who was sitting up front reading a book.
You’re getting paranoid, he said to himself.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I love your title - in the first sentence, I would change "then" to "AND the doors swung open FOR Erik to step down onto the curb." It sounds more assured and straightforward, not as passive. Also, especially in the first 250 words, I would stray from using "said". You used "said" twice, back to back, and I know that if you substituted with another word, such as, "Hey," Erik repeated, as they both ignored each other. - Or something along those lines, to describe their tone of voice.
ReplyDeleteHmm...not much here in the way of hook-age. I have a picture of what's happening, but I feel like it could be punched up a bit.
ReplyDeleteI don't think we need to know about the bus and the walk to the bookstore unless they're significant (either to character, setting, or plot--right now they seem like placeholders). You could start inside the bookstore and accomplish letting the reader know it's a quiet Saturday by noting there are fewer people there. That way, you'd get to Erik's feeling he's being watched--the hook-y part!--sooner.
I agree I think you should start where the bell rings as he enters the store--or possibly somewhere entirely different. There's nothing to hook me here. I have no idea yet what motivates the MC. What does he want? and I also don't know anything about any relationships he has in his life that might make me care more about him and wanting to know what happens next.
ReplyDeletegood luck!
Not so much hooked myself. But it's hard to get into the story in the first 250 words. I'd give this another couple words.
ReplyDeleteMostly because he has an old punk album. :D
I'm intrigued, but feel like it takes a while for this story to start.
ReplyDeleteIs it important to know that Erik got off the buss? Do we have to learn that he's in the store every Saturday?
I'd make the story about Erik entering the store, him feeling the weird sensation, and then bang, stuff happens.
Finding the right place to start is really hard. You're on the right track. You've used sound to pull us in but it isn't strong enough. Nothing really interesting happens until he feels like someone is watching him. Use that as your hook.
ReplyDeleteAlso watch out for framing. 3rd person is my favorite POV but it does have it's nuances. Consider your line He decided to try the music first today and started flipping through bettered CD cases. Cut that down to He flipped through battered CD cases. You don't have to tell us he decided to do it. Just show him doing it. Do a search in your MS for the word started. You can usually cut it. He started to run/He started running vs. He ran. Conserve your words, especially for YA.
Love the title.
I can't tell if it is the right place to start w/o reading more, but I don't really have a problem if something happens pretty quick.
ReplyDeleteThey only other suggestion I have is to cut useless words:
"seemed [a little bit] quiet [out] for"
"He came in [here] every" - and "came" could be spiced up a bit
"before going [down] to the theatre" - most "up"s and "down"s aren't necessary
and overall, look for stronger action verbs "was sitting" could be "sat" or "perched" or something even more descriptive.
Also, if you use italics to denote the mc thinking to himself, you probably don't need "he said to himself"
These are all the exact same things I'm working on with my own ms and just little mechanical details. Otherwise, I'm very interested in finding out what will be different about today and why he thinks someone is watching.
I was *slightly* hooked by the sensation that someone was watching him... but half of that was because of the title.
ReplyDeleteMost of this opening seemed unnecessary. The entire first paragraph is staging for his arrival at the bookstore. And most of the fourth paragraph is backstory filler about what Erik does with his Saturdays.
I would cut both the first and most of the fourth pargraph and use the space to focus on more character-revealing thoughts, dialog, or actions.
I agree with those who said they weren't sure if this was the right place to start -- I'm still waiting for the hook. As it is now, there's nothing in this that says "fantasy" to me outside of the title. I'm not sure there's necessarily anything wrong with that as long as we meet something fantastic soon -- but I'm also not really interested enough to keep reading, as it stands. I might have felt differently with a back-of-the-book blurb though, promising something interesting!
ReplyDeleteAgree with the other comments. I think a great place to start would be the second true paragraph (i.e. "they said the same thing..."), reworking it to make sense. I don't feel you need any of the beginning part. Some of the sentences are passive, so I'd do a revision pass for that. Also agree about the "saids" and the "he said to himself". Since you're in his POV and it's in italics, you don't need it. I'm intrigued by the feeling of being watched mixed with the title, but I don't feel the voice of the novel or Erik here. I'd probably give it another couple paragraphs just in case, but there's not enough to really hook me.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other comments. The passage is a bit first less, than that, and this . . . I think beginnings are really tough. The title was simple but I think it's what made me want to read this entry.
ReplyDeleteMy question is why doesn’t he turn around and look? Isn’t that a person’s first instinct?
ReplyDeleteFor me, this didn’t quite work, maybe because it starts so ordinary and then goes into instant weirdness. Perhaps either build the weirdness a bit slower, or let there be a bit of weirdness the moment he enters the store. Maybe something seems strange there right from the start. As is, I think the tone changes too quickly which is a bit disconcerting.
I'm not pulled in. You're walking us through inconsequential parts of Erik's day. Other than being a regular teen with a routine and job, I know nothing about him--nothing to make me care if he is, in fact, being followed. Or why he immediately thinks he's being followed--is there a reason he should suspect that, or is he just a paranoid sort of person? Other than the paranoia, there's no conflict to connect me to the story or character.
ReplyDelete