GENRE: Fantasy
Death is at my door. Not the cloaked and hooded figure I’d often heard of in stories, but an actual executioner sent by King Elijah to end my life. His decree, issued earlier that morning and posted on every door in accordance with law, informed us that upon nightfall the first-born son from each household in our village would be removed.
Removed. Yet another of his clever euphemisms for exterminated.
I am frightened, but not for myself. The adults—our village elders—decided hours earlier that I would not be going. Instead, I watch as they shave Sela’s head and stuff her small body into my ragged clothing. With her pale skin, deep-set cerulean eyes, and newly shorn head, we are practically identical. At the very least, similar enough in coloring and build to be related. But we are not, Sela merelyplucked from amongst the other six year olds to die in my stead.
“You needn’t worry,” my mother says kneeling before me, her face inches from mine. It is my face—strong and sharp, thinner at the jaw line than the forehead. Her straw-colored hair is mine as well, only hers falls in gentle waves against her neck while mine is as absent as Sela’s. I hear the liquid in her wine glass slosh against the fine crystal and look down to find that her hands are rattling. Perfume, the one made of honeysuckle and jasmine, lingers on her neck and fills my nostrils with the scent of her.
So my first reaction to this was 'this is a great opening, and a great hook'. The main character is to be exterminated, but instead has to deal with the guilt of some innocent girl being sent in his stead.
ReplyDeleteHowever, taken as a whole, I had two issues with this.
Based on the MC's voice, I originally thought he was a teenager, almost an adult. However, we then find out he is being replaced by a six year old, implying he is around that age. I've never met a six-year old who used the word 'euphemism'. I would think a child of that age would be much more confused and frightened than shown here.
Perhaps in your world, there's a reason this character has the voice of someone older than six. But it was jarring for me to discover the character's actual age, and find it didn't match the voice at all.
My other problem was more minor: I didn't care for the last paragraph. I was far more interested in finding out why he 'shouldn't worry' than getting a description of his mother. Then again, I always hate paragraph-long descriptions of characters, so that might just be a personal thing.
This one definitely has me hooked. Great opening, interesting premise. I have to agree with the Chro about the last paragraph. I wanted to get to see what happened so stopping for the description just annoyed me. Personal preference though.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the voice and characters age - I'm not as sure. I think the voice was great for an older character. But if the character is so young than it might not match. However, maybe this is a recollection of an older character remembering an event in the past. It's so hard to tell with just 250 words.
I want more!!
Really strong opening, as the others have said! But I agree with Chro re: the character's age, and also the final descriptive passage -- that said, the final descriptive passage probably would not bother me so much if it weren't how this first 250 ended and I had nothing more to look forward to. It still might be worth paring down though, because it seems to slow down the momentum of what is a truly great moment of drama, as this girl is being traded for his life, and he's about to watch her die.
ReplyDeleteI think the age thing is related to the fact that you're writing in present tense. If you were writing in past tense, I could just justify the older voice with it being someone remembering that day, but as is, I can't. Definitely I feel that the voice is way too mature, unless there is some kind of mitigating factor for the world we're living in (people age quickly, etc).
Again though, great opening! Great tension!
Wow, the first part of this really hooked me! I was shocked, outraged, and totally connecting to the MC already. But then I found out that the MC is around six years old? The voice seemed much, much older than that. For instance, I just can't see a six year old knowing what a clever euphemism is. Aside from that, I absolutely love your writing style and the descriptions you use. And I would definitely still read on to see what happened with this and where the story goes.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with everyone else. This is a really strong opening, nicely written, with great story questions.... except the voice and age of the MC don't match.
ReplyDeleteThe MC seems much too calm and aware of everything and the vocabularly and syntax are off. The present-tense makes it especially problematic. IF the MC is actually much more intellectually mature than we would expect, some indication/justification of that needs to be presented earlier so we're not blindsided with the confusing age revelation.
If the MC had been 18, I definitely would have read more.
What can I say besides wow? Beautifully written. Unlike the others I'm not thrown off by the character's age. I would be if this wasn't such a small snippet or if it wasn't so expertly written. But it is so I would trust that you know what you're doing. I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteHey!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to agree with the others as well. I love the opening and your writing is beautiful, engaging, and I'm left interested in the MC!
However, the age...the age is really throwing me off. This is the voice of a strong, intelligent, and perhaps even witty male. I don't see a child saying these words. Maybe in the world you've developed there's a reason why he speaks this way, but in the first 250 words it is hard to tell...but it doesn't throw me off so much that I'd put the book down. I still want more, heck!
Agree that the voice and writing are powerful, but the fact the main character appears to be six threw me off.
ReplyDeleteA minor thing: in the sentence where you mention Sela being plucked from amongst the other six year olds, a verb is missing.
Because this is fantasy, the last paragraph with the description of his mother doesn't bother me.
I wasn't pulled out of the story based upon the character's assumed age. The writing is really powerful and engaging. I connected with the mc immediately. I would keep reading to see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed this. A great first paragraph. Found the age thing a bit of a hiccup as I don't think he'd make the observations he's making. Honeysuckle. Jasmine. Seems far more grown up.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others about the large gap between age and voice maturity. But I also wanted to mention there's a bit too much telling, for instance, "I am frightened." And why wouldn't the killers/bury-ers notice a girl's body in place of a boy's?
ReplyDeleteUnlike everybody else, I was assuming the MC was older and there was some other reason a child was taking his place. Unfortunately, that gave me another problem -- I was angry at him because he was allowing that to happen. Now if it turns out I'm wrong about his age, then he's off the hook, but I have the same criticism as everybody else about the maturity of the voice.
ReplyDeleteI think the amount of description may be a matter of taste and genre, but I think I would drop the line about his Mother's hair being the same as his because you contradict it when you say his is gone.
Overall, I liked it and would read on.
I'm with Abbe. I thought the character was older and that there must be some reason a female child was taking his place.
ReplyDeleteWell done, I would definitely read on.
This is really compelling, but like others I was thrown by the main character's age: is he really 6? It definitely reads much older. If you don't have a reason for the MC to be 6, you may want to bump the ages up. Or, you could try writing in the past tense - then it would feel like he's older and telling the story beginning when he was younger. Just my 2 cents.
ReplyDeleteDeath is at his door and he's standing around doing nothing. Granted he doesn't have to go, but he's watching a little girl go in his place. This could be stronger if we knew how he felt about that. And if you showed it, instead of having him tell us, it would be even stronger.
ReplyDeleteAnd then they are practically identical and have the same build, but his clothes are too big for her.
I do think the premise works and is hooky. Perhaps just reconsider some of the details.
You managed to hook me. To be honest I really didn't think about the age of mc until I read the comments. I was too engrossed in the story line. I'd want to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteYou managed to hook me. To be honest I really didn't think about the age of mc until I read the comments. I was too engrossed in the story line. I'd want to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally hooked!
ReplyDeleteI did not assume that the MC was six years old. I assumed that he needed a boy to replace him, and the executioners won't know enough about any of the townspeople to know that the person they're grabbing shouldn't be six years old.
Maybe I'm the only one.
Like other commenters, I didn't like the last paragraph. No, scratch that. I liked it, I just wanted something else before that. Like more of the stakes, or more explanation of why this is happening. So maybe you can tease us with a little more of that in the first 250 and leave the description of Mom for the next 250. ;-)
Either way,I'd read more of this in a heartbeat. Of course, I'm not an agent, so ...
The only thing (I think) hasn't been commented on is that if the clothes are bigger, then the girl doesn't need to be "stuffed" into them.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other comments for the age and last pg, but otherwise I am hooked.
Unfortunately, I'm not hooked. The voice and age of the mc don't mesh. You have this listed as Fantasy, which I assume means it isn't YA, in which case this is probably the prologue--delete it and start somewhere else. The idea of sacrificing a girl for the boy is interesting (in a really horrible way, lol) but the writing and character (how does he feel about any of this?) didn't pull me in enough to find out why he's being spared.
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ReplyDeleteJust wanted to thank everyone who commented for the feedback. It's truly appreciated!
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