TITLE: My Bad Reputation
GENRE: Contemporary YA
If punctuality is a virtue, the members of Houndstooth are bad to the bone.
What with my sleeping habits, Tommy’s job, and Gretchen’s general disregard for time, our weekend practices usually get off to a slow start. Even Steve, whose bedroom is just two floors above the basement where we jam, occasionally rolls in a half hour behind schedule. But this Saturday afternoon, Gretchen and Steve are already tuning up their guitars as I bound down the cellar stairs. Tommy follows not two minutes later, smelling like fried food from work at the Chicken Shack.
“I’ll have a bucket of extra crispy!” Gretchen yells at him as he takes off his jacket.
I grab a can of Red Bull from Steve’s mini-fridge and sit down behind the drum set.
“A whole bucket?” Tommy says. “Someone call the beach patrol, cause it must be shark week!”
Bah-dum CHING! I punctuate his crack at our leading lady with a quick sting on the drums. Steve smirks underneath the protection of his old beat-up Phillies cap.
“Whatever,” Gretchen says. “You’ll all be thanking me in about 30 seconds.”
“For..?” I wonder.
She looks at us smugly. “So you know how this band has been together for almost a year without playing a single show?”
We know. It’s not so easy to get a gig when you live in the suburbs, are under 21, and can only play a few steps above not sucking.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I enjoyed this and would read on. I loved the last line. I'm still smiling with the self-deprecating humor. I also liked that you used a rock reference "bad to the bone" in the first sentence, then went on to introduce a band.
ReplyDeleteThe present tense through me for a second, but I got over it. Overall, I think you did a good job.
This is a fun, fun opening and it's not getting the love it deserves, so I'll add mine. The pacing is great. I love the playfulness between the characters, who already come across as old friends. It's got a good beat and you can dance to it. I'd definitely keep reading. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI like the MC's voice. It is not easy to bring a bunch of people together for one scene without creating confusion but you pull it off and manage to drop a few insights into character and situation along the way. Deftly handled. I like scenes that are rich in authentic souding dialogue and that is also a strength. You manage to end the opening 250 with a little hook that promises a change in situation so I would say overall this is very strong. I love the last line as it endears the MC to me. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the banter is fun and familiar. Captures the youthfulness of the characters spot on!
ReplyDeleteI really like this - very funny voice. I like the sting of the drums, too. One small thing - he smells like fried food from working at the Chicken Shack. I could see him smelling like old grease or something - that would sound more showy to me than just fried food.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
I liked this, but I felt like I had to drudge through all of the names first. I felt inundated with too many characters at once. Great dialogue, though. I'd read on, hoping to make sense of all the names through the rest of the page.
ReplyDeleteLove the voice, especially the last line! I agree that the smelling like fried food part doesn't quite work. Otherwise, spot on! Love it!!!
ReplyDeleteI agree about the playful tone of this piece. The camaraderie shines through.
ReplyDeleteI don't get the reference to shark week.
Gretchen saying "you know how this band has been together for a year without a single gig?" slips into "as you know, Bob" territory. People generally don't discuss what they already know, it's a clumsy tool to relay info to the reader. It might be more natural for her to say something along the lines of great news, I've got us a show lined up - Perhaps followed by some interinalization about how unprepared the MC feels for their first gig.
Nicely done. Good voice and orginal premise. I will say the 2nd paragraph had to be read twice to get grounded on what was happening and who these people are. But I would read on.
ReplyDeleteShelley
I like it. Good voice. Nice opening. I would probably read on.
ReplyDeleteThe banter is fun, and there are moments of good voice--the beginning line sticks out. Other than the mc's fun drum moment, we don't get a good sense of who the mc is. This section is more about the band than the mc. It's the title that would pull me through the next couple pages to see where it goes. Not an exceptional passage, but decent enough if the premise is strong.
ReplyDeleteI like the line "Gretchen's general disregard for time" -> nice phrasing. I can relate. I also like the last sentence.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with it.
I loved this, and like someone else stated, was smiling by the last line. I would totally read more, and I don't very often step outside my paranormals and supes. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI’d read more. I would have liked to know if the MC was male or female. I thought female at first until he called Gretchen ‘our leading lady’ and then I assumed he was male, but I’m still not sure. And I don’t know if starting with the whole punctuality thing works. Is it relevant? Will all of them being habitually late be important to the story? If not, perhaps cut it all and start with her bounding down the steps. There’s no problem as yet, so there really isn’t a hook, but the writing’s good and I have an interesting cast of characters in an interesting scenario so I’d give it another page to see what the problem was.
ReplyDeleteLove this one! I'm so into premise and love the voice!
ReplyDelete