TITLE: EVER
GENRE: YA Paranormal
I've lived next door to Frankie my entire life. We played together when we were little. He pulled my pigtails. I tattled, he teased.
He's the best friend I've ever had.
I've been in love with him as long as I can remember. That’s my secret.
He's been dead for two years.
Today is the second anniversary of his death. It's been exactly seven hundred and thirty days since the car accident that took his life, and didn't take mine. Seven hundred and thirty days since the only guy I've ever loved died in my arms, followed me home from the hospital, and never left my house again.
I'm in love with a ghost who has absolutely no idea I feel this way, and worse - probably still sees me like an annoying kid sister. No. Big. Deal.
I mean, sure, it took some getting used to, but eventually I had to accept the fact that he's here for good. There's no mourning him, and there's no moving on with my life.
Two years. Two years since my life as a normal teenager went right out the window. Two years since Frankie became nearly invisible.
Looking at him now, leaning up against the antique roll top desk my mom insists is proper living-room décor, he’s beautiful, even in death.
I watched him die, you know. I held onto him as the last breath left his body. I cried and screamed, but no one came in time. No one heard me.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This has great voice and you hooked me in the beginning. But then the same thoughts are repeated. I think you could delete Today is the second anniversary of his death. It's been exactly seven hundred and thirty days since the car accident that took his life, and didn't take mine. Seven hundred and thirty days since the only guy I've ever loved died in my arms, followed me home from the hospital, and never left my house again.
ReplyDeleteI'm in love with a ghost who has absolutely no idea I feel this way, and worse - probably still sees me like an annoying kid sister. No. Big. Deal.
I mean, sure, it took some getting used to, but eventually I had to accept the fact that he's here for good. There's no mourning him, and there's no moving on with my life. and Pick up with him leaning against the desk. It adds movement and the story moves forward. Because I thought, if he doesn't know she loves him, why would he follow her home?
I like this and am intrigued where it's all going. Your writing is strong and the voice is great. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest playing with the words when you lay the bomb that Frankie has been dead for 2 years. For such a loaded sentence, I didn't feel it had the punch that it deserves. It doesn't need a lot done, just a better lead in. "Unfortunately, he's been dead for two years."
I like your voice. I'd agree that part of the writing repeats itself, but I'd be more inclined to start at the line "Today is the second anniversary of his death..." Or even the sentence after that. But I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI love the premise, and I would definitely read more. I also agree that maybe some of the repetition could be pared down. I also thought the line about following her home from the hospital needed to be played up just a BIT more to give it the impact it deserved. Wonderful concept, though!
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot.
ReplyDeleteI tattled, he teased. Should be two separate sentences or have a semicolon.
I like the 730 days repeated. It works. I agree you could cut "Today is the second anniversary of his death."
Strong work!
I like the repetition. I think it works. I do agree that, "He's been dead for two years," doesn't quite pack the punch it should. Maybe you could preface it with, "The problem is." I also think you could combine some sentences at the beginning and keep them in the same paragraph so that the "He's been dead..." sentence stands alone.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck. : )
LOVE THIS, but if you could get to the Frankie being dead part a little bit sooner, it would catch the reader's attention so much more!
ReplyDeleteI love the line about how he followed her home from the hospital. And I think the repetition works. I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI like this a LOT. I also thought most of the repetition worked. The only time it threw me was near the end of this segment, when you say, "I watched him die, you know." You'd already said earlier that he died in your arms. Absolutely everything following the "you know" is stunning and painful and you should keep it. maybe just change it a little to say, "When I watched him die," so that it's a lead in, rather than a telling, if that makes any sense. :} Either way, it's nearly golden.
ReplyDeleteI think the fact that him being dead isn't played up, shows how the MC feels about the situation. How it's no longer a big deal. Teenagers move on to things quickly. They feel things intensely and then move on to boredom. Then move on to the next big deal:)
ReplyDeleteI really like the voice here - it feels authentic.
Hi! I really like this, but it makes me feel so sad for your MC! What a pickle to be in. I'd definitely read more (where is it?) Great job!
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of pain in this piece. It's quite beautifully written. I don't usually like too much backstory right int he opening, but it's needed here, and it works. You manage to do it without becoming mawkish.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think some phrases from the middle could be dropped. I think it would be more powerful if you could show the reader he was a ghost without preempting it, it would take the reader into her thoughts without you having to tell us "there's no mourning him, no getting on with my life".
It's a great concept, though.
I like this, and don't think there is too much repetition. You get a sense of their relationship.
ReplyDeleteMy only nitpick is adding in 'you know', after 'I watch him die'. I'm not a fan of the MC talking direct to the reader. To me, it takes you out of the story.
Like the premise as well.
I like this and would read on. Agree that the repeating is wasting words. And I also agree that while the being dead two years doesn't pack a punch, I also agree that the MC has come to terms with it and it makes sense.
ReplyDeleteNice writing.
shelley
I love your voice and your writing is beautiful, but for me, it's a little too much up front. I think I would be more drawn into the story if this backstory played out in a scene between the MC and Frankie, rather than in an opening monologue like this.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with this! I'd love to read the rest!
I feel like I've read this before, perhaps in another contest you entered in another blog? I don't know. I just remember reaaallllly loving it and becoming hooked from the first line! I knew right away there was something special about this Frankie guy and the MC.
ReplyDeleteAlthough it may seem like back story to some, it works for me. It's just enough needed info to get the story going, my interest sparking, and influence me to continue reading.
Your idea is great. It takes me back to my "Mediator" by Meg Cabot days but with a different twist of course! I would definitely read on. I already have a "book crush" on this Frankie kid. haha.
I've seen this concept before--ghost of a friend or loved one hanging around. I'd like you to get to the action a bit faster. You could probably cut this section down by half. There was a lot of repeating and by the fifth or sixth line I knew what way going on and what to see conflict--see exactly how he's affecting her life rather than being told about it. The "you know" in the last paragraph pulls me from the story and makes me very aware of the writing and narrator.
ReplyDeleteI think what makes this most unique is the idea that the ghost has no idea how she feels. It seems ghosts are always given a kind of prescience, and they use that to help those left behind to move on. I like the idea that this ghost still has her in the friend zone. Nobody's going to move on until they go through a lot of emotional business. There's a novel's worth here, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought after reading this was – And? She’s in love with a ghost is made evident, but what’s the problem? What will the story be about? This could go anywhere. Does she want to kill herself so they can be ghosts together? Is she going to dabble in black magic with the hopes of bringing him back to life? Is her goal to get over him and find a way for him to move on? Whatever the answer, that’s what you might try to work into these first 250 words.
ReplyDelete