TITLE: CARVING CHANGE
GENRE: YA contemporary
My mother’s mission in life is to change me. She’ll deny it, but it’s gotten so obvious since Daddy’s accident. For instance she’s been buying me clothes, which she has to know I’ll never wear, and just yesterday she made a hair appointment for me. With her hair dresser.
“Jenna and I are going back to school shopping today.” I take the paring knife on the kitchen counter and instead of dipping it in the butter I drag it across the cutting board, carving a deep, short line. It feels so good, and I bend over to smell the wood, but there’s no fragrance. Mama doesn’t notice. She taps her paint can with a teaspoon and pops the lid off. She’s so wrapped up in her latest paint adventure for the kitchen.
“You agreed to visit Daddy today, Stoney, remember? We’ve already talked about this.” Tap, tap. “It’s been three months. This is ridiculous.” TAP! She waves the spoon at me. “You’ve never liked change and now it’s worse than ever. But things change, Stoney. They have to.”
“Don’t analyze me. And, it hasn’t been three months. That’s an exaggeration.” Her glare burns into me. “I’m almost sixteen. You can’t make me go.”
“I don’t want to make you visit your father. Don’t you want to see him? He misses you.”
“Jenna can’t go shopping any other time.” Mama makes that face. The one that says, You Are Impossible.
“We’ll visit after you’re done shopping.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
Great first sentence, IMO--it establishes the conflict instantly. I know right away in the first paragraph what's going on.
ReplyDeleteYou also instantly show us the character. It's clear, well-written, and the little details about the cutting board, and the condescending diction you chose for Mama's 'latest paint adventure,' tells us immediately who this girl is. You're great! I know many teens will read on.
I would not read on because I want to slap your MC upside the face. I lost it at 'I'm almost sixteen.' I guess I'm tired of the rebellious teenager archetype, as if that's the only kind of teenager out there. THAT SAID, you pull it off REALLY well, and the title makes me suspect some deep character evolution as we go on. High five, and thanks for sharing!
I like the first paragraph, but since it is focused on the mother I was thrown by the first line of dialogue. I thought it was the mother speaking and I was wondering who Jenna was and if it was a sister or what. Also, back-to-school needs dashes because that threw me too.
ReplyDeleteOnce I got past my confusion and re-read it, I liked it. I would also recommend taking out the first "Stoney." In casual conversation, the mother is not likely to use the girl's name twice, if at all.
Good luck with it! : )
Good realistic voice and tension building. The MC carving the board and thinking it feels good has me intrigued and wondering why. I wouldn't start with your 1st paragraph because it is telling. You're showing us that in her dialogue & actions! Start with the 2nd paragraph. I also would keep reading to find out why she doesn't want to see her father.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious as to why the MC doesn't want to go see her father. I have some suspicions.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I found the dialogue too forced, as if you're trying to give us a lot of information at one time. For example, I don't feel like I need to know she is 16 right this second. I could tell about how old she was just from the dialogue and her internal thoughts. I really liked the cutting board paragraph. That say so much without saying anything at all.
I like how she'd rather shop with her friend rather than visit her father, I thought that was very realistic.
ReplyDeleteI found it strange how her mother is called "mother" and "mama", but maybe that's just me.
That's lots of great obvious tension in the opening.
Best of luck.
Yeah, my mom tried the clothes thing on me once. Didn't go down well, so I can identify with Stoney! I really REALLY like the part where she's tapping the spoon. And I completely understood the "visit your dad" thing - you did a great job on that.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a fan of this line: "You've never liked change and now it's...They have to." It sounds out of voice and a bit telly. I don't think it's needed at all. I also agree that you don't need her age written out in the dialogue - it doesn't seem to fit.
Great job!
I really liked the carving board paragraph. I like the first paragraph too, but I'd like it to have a little more of Stoney's voice in it. The dialogue felt really forced to me. Love the title and my brain starts thinking of all the reasons she doesn't want to see her dad.
ReplyDeleteI love the opening line. It's an example of "good telling" because it sets the scene. However, the rest of the paragraph is more telling, and probably not necessary at that point. You would do better to show, rather than tell with the examples, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why she would dip a paring knife in butter. I was wondering where you were going with her scraping the board with the knife. I was hoping it wouldn't be violent, and was relieved that it wasn't.
Overall an interesting opening. I like the first person present tense, you carried it off with a good voice, but beware it can lead you towards more telling than necessary.
A few things seem odd to me personally. Firstly a paring knife for butter, is bizarre. Use of mother, but then switching to Mama. Also the use of the word 'Daddy'.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it is the Aussie in me, but the word 'Daddy' is only used by very, very, young children so when I first read it I thought your MC was a child, not a teenager. I don't know if that is different in the USA?(?)
I'm interested in her nickname(?) being Stoney, or is that her name? Overall I like the setting you have created, and think it works well.
Great opening sentence. I'm 30 and I still say Daddy. I've never called him anything else. But that's me.
ReplyDeleteGood tension. I'm intrigued about her father and what happened 3 months ago. I'd keep reading.
The dialogue didn't feel genuine for me. I was confused about who was speaking at first. You've gotten in backstory and exposition, explaining to the reader what's going on. Contemporary is a very tough market and a father-daughter conflict may not be able to carry the plot.
ReplyDeleteYou wove in good character elements though, carving the cutting board, her mother using a teaspoon to pry open a paint can.
The first line is good but the rest of the paragraph could be stronger to support it--less backstory and more now-story.
I like the idea and I think I can see where this is headed, which could make for an interesting story, but I think you might be hitting us over the head with the change thing. And would Mom really be ranting about her not accepting change, or would her tirade be more about – why don’t you want to visit your father? And the dialogue seems a bit info dumpy. Perhaps rewrite with a bit more subtlety?
ReplyDelete