TITLE: Olivia Twisted
GENRE: YA Contemporary
I should be used to this by now—the emptiness that fills me when I become homeless for the stretch of a car ride. I’ve done this more times than I can count, but the truth is that it sucks. Every. Time.
Occasionally, my case manager Julia glances at me in the rearview mirror. She knows better than to attempt conversation in a useless effort to comfort me.
Or maybe not.
“Bernadette looked so sad about saying goodbye to you, Olivia,” Julia offers in a whine that’s supposed to come off as sympathetic. “It’s nice that they loved you so much.”
She falters when I turn my withering glare on her reflection.
Nice? Yeah, Bernadette and Marc loved me so much that they wouldn’t take me with them when they moved to Hawaii. I seriously thought the last home would be the last. I swallow hard—I refuse to cry—and turn my gaze back to the blur of trees as we breeze by on the highway. Julia makes another half-assed attempt at conversation, but I tune her out.
It’s about a half-hour from Bernadette’s to my new home. Julia’s GPS announces various rights and lefts, sending us through a maze of streets dotted with scrawny trees. The houses are yellow, pale blue, or white and are pretty much clones of each other.
Julia parks in front of one of the clones—a white house with a bright green lawn and orange flowers lining the front picture window.
I’ve stayed in uglier places.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the rhythm of this. You get a very fast feel for what your MC is going through and that she's really hoping for a home and thought she had one, but it staying strong.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely keep reading.
I thought this was very well written, and I immediately emphathized with the MC, who seems tough but very disappointed with her recent abandonment.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest working on the order of thoughts from "She knows better..." to "...loved you so very much." The thought "Or maybe not" is a response to Julia talking, so it needs to come after her first statement.
Also, "falters" implies that she mispoke or trailed off, but her statement was a full one, so either falter that previous line or give her something else to say ineptly.
Overall, nice job.
(And screw them for not taking her to Hawaii... I'd be pissed too!)
This is very well written and I feel sympathetic towards your MC. MY only suggestion is to add more showing to the following sentence.
ReplyDelete"Occasionally, my case manager Julia glances at me in the rearview mirror."
I think - and it's purely my opinion - that it might be stronger if you say something like, "Occasionally, my eyes meet Julia's sympathetic eyes in the rearview mirror." Something to that effect.
Nice job!:)
This is an excellent start...I was immediately drawn into the character and the world where she's "homeless for a car ride." So well done!
ReplyDeleteI liked it. I would read on. Good voice and I like the MC attitude.
ReplyDeleteAs far as taking her to Hawaii, I think the government social service rules apply. She is a ward of the state and I don't think they'd allow the MC to move unless the family adopted her.
I love the last line about living in uglier places. That's what made me want to turn the page.
Love this! Immediately I get the feel of a more grown-up and contemporary Great Gilly Hopkins. I'm curious about how old the MC is ... will she hope for a place to get by just until she becomes legal? Or is she looking for a "real" family? I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteThis is pretty good. I think it feels cliched, a bit. Just the idea and where it starts. I know I've read books that start like this. And I am wondering what makes this different. That said, I'd give it a few more pages.
ReplyDeleteI am absolutely love your first line, and how it goes on to give us such clear insight into your MC's frame of mind. I feel instantly connected to what she's going through, and of course I'd keep reading to find out who's behind Door #2.
ReplyDeleteI love how spare and restrained this is. You mirror the MC's stoic attitude with a stripped-down style that works very well here. I'd definitely read on. Oh, and I like the title.
ReplyDeleteI thought you had lots of nice emotion coming through here, but as someone said, it is a cliche opening. Instead of sitting in a car and thinking, perhaps put her in a situation, maybe actually leaving the home she just came from, or the goodbye. Or maybe arriving at the new place. Not driving up to the door, but actually meeting her new family. Basically, have her doing something rather than thinking. Thinking generally gives you a slow opening.
ReplyDeleteI really want to read Olivia's story. I live in Hawaii, so the line of being left behind seems especially cruel! The voice is strong here, especially that last line. She is strong, but I'm guessing there's something worth worrying about behind the facade of that little house.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great opening. I was immediately drawn to the voice, which is always the most important thing for me when starting a book. Also, you earned my sympathy for your MC right off the bat. I like her, and I want to know more about her. I really want to find out how/if things work out. I'd definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteI love the voice of this. You immediately pulled me in and made me feel for your MC. I could feel the angst and the pain, but also the stubbornness and fear. Very, very good writing!
ReplyDeleteI'm completely hooked. This sample did such a great job of throwing the reader right into the middle of the scene and feeling the sadness and abandonment the main character is going through.
ReplyDeleteNice voice too, it's snarky in the right places without being spiteful. And it sound natural for a teen narrator. I could feel that hard swallow and that withering glare. Great job!
I would definitely read more.
I would definitely keep reading...the reality of the voice strikes home. Congratulations to the author! Hope it get out so we can read to the end.
ReplyDeleteI liked a lot of things about this piece: the voice, the set-up, the glimpse of the MC strong feelings, but yet bravado attitude.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely keep reading.
Thank you, everyone, for your comments! =)
ReplyDeleteGood writing and an almost quiet but still spunky voice. Not too loud, not too soft. She sneaks out to get us. The first line is a beautiful combination of action, information, voice, and reflection. Good pacing.
ReplyDeleteI'd read for a few more pages at least. What I'd be looking for is the voice to remain consistent, and for events to continue to surprise me, with a complex/emotional character arch mixing family, friends, and self growth. It's a lot to expect from just reading this short passage, but it that's how well you've set it up for us.
I liked the voice here, too. @Alice - even if state regs won't allow for a foster child to cross state lines with foster parents, to the kid in question she would still feel abandoned and "homeless." So, I liked that incongruence with what a kid feels vs. how us older folk understand the system.
ReplyDelete