TITLE: BLOOD OF THE KING
GENRE: Romantic Fantasy
The room was forbidden, but staring into the mirror hanging from the opposite wall, Arianna did not understand why. It was empty, but for the framed, silvered glass, the only light coming from the arrow slit windows, one on either side of the mirror. No tapestries hung on the rounded walls, no furnishings to speak of, and no hearth for a fire against the frozen north wind that bit at her nose and turned her cheeks red.
At first, Arianna only saw her own reflection in the glass, no more than a shadow of movement in the dim light. But when she moved away toward the arrow slits, something else stirred in the dark and a low growl filled the silence of the room, knotting her stomach. She froze, pressing back against the cold stone wall. Nothing stood behind her, to cast such a reflection, and nothing else moved in the room itself.
“Have you come to gloat?” a harsh voice called, thick and deep. “Is it not enough that you hold me hostage, you must taunt me as well?”
A breath of fear escaped her lungs, loud as thunder to her ears, and the too-tall shadow in the mirror shifted again, with a clank of chains and a flash of sickly grey skin behind the glass. Inside the glass?
“Who’s there?” the voice called.
She didn't dare answer. If whatever lived behind the mirrored glass told the king she had been in the tower, she’d be fortunate to escape with less than ten lashes.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the immediate tension and conflict here, and you do an excellent job of describing the room and the shadow she sees.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a good sense of who Arianna is, though. For one, she could be a servant or a princess, and such things make a huge difference. Ten lashes to a servant is probably expected; ten lashes to a princess is a huge deal.
If you can, I'd recommend allowing more of Arianna's voice to shine through. We see what she does and what she sees, but not *how* she sees it. There isn't a lot of character interpretation here. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in (especially when she talks about her cheeks turning red -- something she wouldn't be able to see.)
To make room for this, try taking out a few of your extra descriptive clauses that don't really add much to the scene (and might be considered cliche.) For example: "bit at her nose and turned her cheeks red","no more than a shadow of movement in the dim light", "loud as thunder in her ears". All of these add 6-10 more words without enhancing the description much.
I love the way you're able to capture a kind of mood with these opening 250 words! While it's not an action packed scene pushing you ahead, it had this kind of melancholy, dark mood that pulled me through.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I can recommend in crit is that I would like to feel a little closer to Arianna in the first paragraph or two. You do a great job of putting us there with her in the second half, her fear of going and her fear of staying. I think with even just the tweak of a sentence or two in the opening, you could form an even stronger and faster connection with Arianna!
I'd definitely keep reading!
The concept of the scene is intriguing, and I like the setup. It has potential for an interesting story.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Chro that it would be nice to have a better sense of who Arianna is and how/why she got into the room, for that matter. The "forbidden" room is the initial hook, but without knowing more about Arianna, I don't have a clear enough idea of what consequences might await her for being found out.
Nitpicks:
The narrative gets a little heavy with modifying phrase. "It was empty..." and "A breath of fear," in particular, are a tad cumbersome.
There are some clarity issues. You say the room is empty save for the mirror, but then say there aren't any furnishings "to speak of," which implies there are some insignificant furnishings.
"Nothing stood behind her...." Nothing actually can stand behind her because she's pressed to the wall, so I can't quite picture where what she's seeing is stirring.
A bit about me...I read slush piles. I work for a large, respected agency. If this came in my inbox, I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteYes, there are nit picky things, but I'm hooked enough I'd want more.
Good job.
No, I am not THE secret agent. ;)
I am torn on this. I like the writing, but I am not sold on the voice. There is a distance too it. Sometimes this happens with third person, but it isn't necessary. For writing and intrigue, I would read on. But I'd like it to feel a bit more personal.
ReplyDeleteOooo... I'm am most definitely intrigued. Can't say I like the title you've chosen, but this opening scene, especially by the end, grabbed me tight. I Want To Read This.
ReplyDeleteBy way of editing comments, I think you could tighten up you opening. "...staring into the mirror" kind of puts too much emphasis on the mirror when the MC should probably focus first on the room, then the mirror. What I'm saying is, you made the mirror too obvious from the start when you could have built up to it and made the person within it come more as a surprise.
The line about a "breath of fear" being "loud as thunder" is okay, but seems a bit clunky in a sentence that already has loads of other descriptive words.
Mostly, this is great. As I said, I would read on, or be your beta. (Big smile!)
I agree with some of the other comments about ways to both tighten and lighten the writing. Also, the prisoner's dialogue seemed a bit cliched to me. She hasn't even spoken. Why does he accuse her of taunting him? (Unless there's something about her, personally, and her specific presence that taunts him and she doesn't know it, which would be an interesting mystery. If that's the case, I'd like her to react to his accusation and wonder about it.) But there's a good mood and I'm interested in the idea of someone held captive in a mirror.
ReplyDeleteParg one you tell us the room is empty and then tell us the things that aren't there, which is redundant. Perhaps instead tell us what the room looks like. Describe the emptiness. Is it dusty and full of cobwebs? Immaculately clean?
ReplyDeleteParg 3 you might say Arianna instead of her, so there's no confusion as to who you're talking about.
I'd read more to see who that is in the mirror and why.
I would read more as well, but have to agree with the other commenters. The voice feels detached. I feel as though I'm watching Arianna, not living through it with her. I don't have any suggestions, other than what has already been suggested, but I feel that with a few little tweaks, you could pull us all in even more.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious about the concept, but some of the sentences are hard to read, so I'm not sure if I'd read too much further.
ReplyDeleteYou've got a couple sentences with unrelated phrases that could be broken up. I tend to get wordy myself so try to re-word when I hit 4 commas in one sentence!
I did get stuck at the first sentence. We know what you mean, but "the room was forbidden" means the room was forbidden to exist. What you really mean is that entry into the room was forbidden. (and I'd try to avoid a passive "was" in the first sentence.
You repeat "arrow slit". The first time I read narrow slit but with the second use, it jumped out and just isn't as descriptive as it could be.
But again, interesting premise and I'd read a bit further to see what happens.
This is totally intriguing and I love the atmosphere!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other comments--I'd like to know a little more about Arianna off the bat. Even just a line or two as she's looking in the mirror could go a long way to letting me know who she is.
I'd definitely read on!
The beginning didn't hook me, but as soon as the creature in the mirror spoke, I was intrigued.
ReplyDeleteThere were some logic points that threw me off. Since you start off writing the room is empty, there's no reason to list what isn't in it. Why does she see her reflection move before she moves? Why is she moving 'away' to the windows, when you just wrote they were in front of her beside the mirror?
But I'd definitely read on. :-)
Your concept hooked me by the end of the passage. Getting past the first paragraph was a struggle though. Your ideas are running together in sentences and aren't clear.
ReplyDelete"The room was forbidden, but staring into the mirror hanging from the opposite wall, Arianna did not understand why." She's talking about the room, but directing our attention to the mirror--confusion about what the action (her understanding) is referring to. And the confusion continues to sentence two--what is "it" referring to? You pull in a description of the mirror in the middle of talking about the room in this sentence as well. Start with the empty room, then direct our attention to the mirror.
In the second paragraph, I was sure you were about to describe Arianna's reflection (a cliche that turned me off), and I was jarred when she "moved away".
You'll quickly need to establish Arianna's character, if not in these 250, the in the next 250, because right now she seems a trembling young child to me (though the genre does not say YA). I assume since she got into the tower, she's a princess or something, but the harsh punishment suggest she's lower.
Clarify the first two paragraphs, condense them as cleanly as possible, and you'll have a captivating opening. I want to know more about the mean man in the mirror! (great first lines to give him, and the "who's there" after that sounds uncertain--gives vast depth to a character we don't even know anything about).