TITLE: Dancing with Androids
GENRE: YA sci-fi
The exit door of the ship slid open with a whoosh and I stepped into the spaceport on Roxanna, wishing I hadn't fallen for another of Dad's crazy bets.
If I lost the ballroom dance contest on this planet, it was Space Cadet School for me, then serving aboard Dad's super-cruiser. If I won, he'd let me audition for the New York City Ballet, my lifelong ambition.
"Okay, so it's a deal?" Dad had said in his charming talk-me-into-anything voice.
I knew about as much about ballroom dancing as I did fixing a star cruiser, and I'd only been to Roxanna once, but I vowed to win the contest. So, I signed Delilah Jones on the contract he handed me.
Now, wobbling along the spaceport hall in knee high boots with chunky heels and automatic zipper buckles, I pushed the Acclimate button on the chest of my pink atmosphere suit.
"We are sorry, but the satellite for this model is being repaired," a seductive male voice said over my computer smartphone.
I was pretty sure the Intergalactic Council, who made all decisions about our lives, chose that kind of voice to distract us from their horrible service.
"Repaired? Again?" Aching with fatigue and frustration after a long and twice-delayed flight, my brain buzzed and my body kept veering to the right. The error message from my phone meant the infrastructure was disintegrating.
The hair on the back of my neck jumped to attention. What I saw sent shock waves through me.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hey author!
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting premise, and the page reads smoothly. My problem with it is that it caters too much to the reader. The premise is so in-your-face - page one, paragraph two - and outlined so very explicitly that I feel like I'm being told everything fun upfront, instead of it being shown.
Another example - "the Intergalactic Council, who made all decisions about our lives, chose..." You could omit the appositive (I think there's a word missing in there, anyway) and thus introduce us to the "character" of the Intergalactic Council without defining them explicitly. In the same way, the idea that she made a bet with her father that lands her on another planet, imo, is enough of a bait and hook that you don't need to throw the premise at us with such detail.
One more thing - the sentence "Aching with fatigue and frustration..." is a little overlong. I'd cut "long and", and probably "and frustration." Might streamline it a bit.
Good luck!
I really like your concept, and it seems like a fun take on the genre. I can't immediately recall a sci fi dancing tale, so kudos for originality.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, it reads a little shallow to me. I'm not immediately caught by the voice. Try to convey character in word choice and reactions more. Don't let your protagonist be passive in her own story.
Still, I like what you've done and I would read more.
Sci-fi and dancing- love it!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could love the voice. More importantly, I wish I could tell you what it is about the voice that I didn't connect with. However, I would turn the page just to read what she saw.
Lots to like here. You definitely give your MC an ambition (quite literally) and you start by plopping us right into her challenge. I liked how even exhausted and stressed about the competition she still notices that the male voice is seductive. That's actually kind of funny and pertinent to the age group.
ReplyDeleteHowever, starting with the action like this you force a bit of an info dump AND some things are confusing (in an attempt to avoid the info dump). Telling us NY City ballet is lifelong ambition is... telling. If she studied ballet all her life, she'd probably have bumped against ballroom dancing at some point and know a bit more about it than about being a cadet. What does it mean specifically that the infrastructure was disintegrating? The infrastructure of what? If she just exited the ship, why is she going to the satellite?
As stressful as it is to try to put as much as possible into these first 250 words for these contests, it might be better to slow down just a tiny bit, just to show the world to us a bit more.
Great work though.
"wishing I hadn't fallen for another of Dad's crazy bets." is a great line that tells us much about the story and MC: it's going to be a wild ride with some zany fun, it's going to get interesting soon. :)
ReplyDeleteLike others, I feel that the narrator is rushing us. Tell her to take her time and focus on one important point at a time.
This is all new to us the readers.
Love the last line. I want to keep reading - to know what she saw. I agree with some of the other comments - if I have a complaint, it is that you seem to throw too much at us too soon. Maybe you could just talk about space travel to start with and come to the contest a little later, or just mention it in passing. How people get around can help illustrate your world to the reader. It would say a lot about the culture, the universe she lives in if there is a lot of security, for example, or if everything is automated. Is she traveling on her own or as part of a group?
ReplyDeleteI love the high boots with chunky heels and the pink atmosphere suit. The story is rushed but the last sentence makes me want to read more. I want to know what she saw!
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of dancing and space thrown together,but I also got a sense (with the crumbling infrastructure) that's it's really about more than that. I could certainly be wrong.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion would be to let the story happen, rather than have your MC chat with the reader. You start out in the story, then pargs 2-4 you pop out to talk to the reader. Perhaps cut those pargs. along with parg 7. You would then have the reader wondering what the bet is, and why she's dressed as she is.
The last line is a tease. SInce we're going to learn what she saw anyway, why not just tell us. If it's as shocking as she claims, it'll hold your reader.
This piece feels like a fun story with a fiesty character. I also enjoy some of the details like her wobbling along in her heels, but agree that it felt as if a little too much information was dumped on the reader right at the beginning. I wonder if some of this could be woven in later? The last line would've kept me reading on, though,to see what she saw! :)
ReplyDeleteDear author,
ReplyDeleteThis passage felt like two different manuscripts to me. It seemed to move smoothly until it hit the "now, wobbling along..." where it then shifted into unknown territory. No talk of dancing, no talk of the Roxanna...just sci-fi space talk. And I was quite confused. I suggest a more subtle move into the next bit. Also, I know if I read more, I would understand, however, you need to treat each passage like it's alone. Each passage of you novel should make sense in itself.
SecretAgent
Dear author,
ReplyDeleteThis passage felt like two different manuscripts to me. It seemed to move smoothly until it hit the "now, wobbling along..." where it then shifted into unknown territory. No talk of dancing, no talk of the Roxanna...just sci-fi space talk. And I was quite confused. I suggest a more subtle move into the next bit. Also, I know if I read more, I would understand, however, you need to treat each passage like it's alone. Each passage of you novel should make sense in itself.
SecretAgent
I like the concept (in fact, it could very well feel like it was tailored to my interests) and would probably keep reading but the opening does feel a bit rushed and too much of an info dump.
ReplyDeleteI really like this; it has a lightness to it that I think will work for YA who may not be acclimated to harder sci-fi.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that threw me was the use of the word smartphone; since it's a tech word we use today, I think coming up with something original that sounds more advanced might be to your benefit.
I like your character, but I'm going to agree with everyone else that page 1, paragraph 2 is way too soon to be slapped over the head with this much information. Give us backstory in smaller chunks, because this premise is really interesting.
ReplyDeleteThis is incredibly sci-fi. Almost too sci-fi for me, and I read it. All the names and clothing and things I don't have real-life experience of draw me out a little.
ReplyDeleteBut I have to say, this reads really well, and your character has interesting goals in such a setting. I do want to read more.
The title is also fantastic. I'd almost pick it up on the strength of that alone.
So yeah. Really well done.
Good. And loved the last line especially.
ReplyDeleteWho you buy your replacement forklift parts from is as important as the parts you buy. They feature a three wheel as well as a four wheel forklift. Buying new allows one to obtain a machine that is perfectly tailored to the job it is required for. Forklift Mitsubishi Nobleliftwarehouse For Sale Toyota Forklift Mast Chesapeake In the year 1917, United State's Clark launched powered lift tractors and powered tractors in their workplace.
ReplyDelete