TITLE: PIMPS AND PREMISCIOUS ROOT VEGETABLES
GENRE: New Adult
The soaking deluge began amassing into pools in the folds of my pants. We both stared numbly, hypnotized by the mudslides of her upheaval. Wiping the back of her hand across her mouth a last tremor of aftershock rippled through her dazed body. She exited the apocalyptic scene of my car and stumbled back to the party.
I drove directly home trying to convince myself that things didn’t play out exactly as they just had. This morning driving to work, the physical reality of stains, and the awful smells permeating my crap Honda, are unavoidable. While a hefty trash bag does keep me dry it does nothing for the odor. The shame of my nightmare is less than 12 hours old.
The thing is, I’m afraid of sex. I’ve never had the sex before, not until last night, and that didn’t help things. I can’t imagine that last night was a complete picture of the experience either, given the circumstances. I wasn’t drunk, but she was. Saying she came on to me makes me sound a bit like a rapist, but that’s what happened.
We stumbled away from the party, she was under the influence and I was under hers. Moments before, she had leaned heavily against me to whisper something into my ear that was as explicit as it was blunt. At that point the organ generally in charge of operations temporarily stepped down from duty.
She led me by the hand and other parts to my car.
Miss Snark's First Victim
IN your title - I am sure you must mean PROMISCUOUS. I don't mean to be harsh but there is no excuse for such an error. Typos and transpositions can be excused and understood (lord knows I do it all the time myself) but this is just an example of when you should have run (not walked) to the dictionary to make sure you got it right - especially in the title. I'm not sure any agent would read on after that - I did not. I'm sorry but you need more attention to detail
ReplyDeleteOh dear, a typo in the title! Tsk, tsk. Unfortunately the rest doesn't redeem the typo. I'm not exactly sure if the MC is male or female. I'm not sure what happens in the first paragraph. Not sure at all. What does 'mudslides of her upheaval' mean? By the end I figured out what happened, but I don't have a good sense of the MC. I think you might want to go a little into his head and rather than describe what he sees, describe what he's thinking. What is his attitude about his situation. I heard a wonderful phrase the other day 'interiority' . I think you might explore your MC's interiority.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
I was going to mention the misspelled word in the title, but the two commenters above me already did that.
ReplyDeleteYour first paragraph didn't make sense, and it was only later that I realized it was a description of the after sex experience. The readers shouldn't have to wonder what you're talking about.
You also have some verb tense issues that'll need to be resolved.
I have to agree with Lanette. I really didn't know what was going on until I got to the paragraph about sex. After I read the last three paragraphs I read the whole thing again and it made more sense. You might want to consider making it clear from the get-go what just happened in this person's car.
ReplyDeleteCount me as another one confused by the opening paragraph. Once I finished reading and went back, I realized what the chapter was supposed to be, but it was still odd and confusing.
ReplyDeleteWhy start with a vague summary of the previous night, come back to the present, and then go back to a slightly more detailed account of the previous night? It's disconcerting. If you cut the first two paragraphs completely, I'd actually read on. I like the narrator's voice that develops after that. "She led me by the hand and other parts to my car" LOVED that line.
The second to last paragraph about stumbling away from the party shows the story clearly and doesn't feel overwritten. I would focus on this style of writing -- plain, direct and informative, rather than the confusing sentences in the beginning. The first line has me thinking he was stabbed in the crotch. I thought a murderer was in the car with him! The language is cryptic.
ReplyDeleteA writing exercise that helped me was to take a scene you've already written and rewrite it on a new page without looking at the old. Just get the story down in as plain of language as you can and work from there. The urge to overedit and replace context with melodrama can impair us from telling the story.
I liked this. Still not sure I've got the 'soaking deluge' and the hefty trash bag straight - can't decide if it's actually raining into the car, or if that is all metaphor. Loved the line: "she was under the influence and I was under hers." "Crap Honda" got me, too. I was jolted by the switch from the night before to driving to work this morning. Maybe there's a smoother way to ease that transition. A character afraid of sex who's just had their first experience makes me think I have yet to find out what this story is really about. Wish I could've read the query! Best of luck - I like your style.
ReplyDeleteI was thrown off by the wrong word in the title. It was not just a typo - it was a totally wrong word. I read on however and was confused by what I read. There was not enough situation or place established for me to understand what was happening. I am sure this would appeal to some but I think starting in such a place requires some grounding so it could resonate with the reader. I found some of the description to be a bit over the top and bordering on offensive.
ReplyDelete"Saying she came on to me makes me sound a bit like a rapist, but that’s what happened." This might be your better first line. I needed orientation as a reader. Where am I, who are these people, what are they doing. At the start more focus on the people and setting and less on the unidentified liquid. Did she throw up in his lap? Also the language in this first person story did not match the traumatic experience he seems to have had. There's a disconnect there for me. I didn't get a good sense of the character.
ReplyDeleteTHE MUDSLIDES OF HER UPHEAVAL? Sorry, I was shouting. But unless "she" is a volcano, no and no and no.
ReplyDeleteApopolytic scene of my car? Overwriting ...
"The organ generally in charge of operations" doesn't work here.
Look, you can clearly write. This is just way overdone. Scale it back.
i love the title (except for the typo) and was confused by exactly what was going on. i thought they'd been in a wreck at first, then stumbled on tense. i like the premise of your story for teen fiction, and am interested in reading more.
ReplyDeleteOn the first read, I thought you changes tenses - we, first person, then she, third person - because I couldn't figure out who she was at first. It might help to describe her to make this clear.
ReplyDeleteAlso, did you really mean to say "I've never had THE sex before". I wasn't sure if the MC wasn't a native english speaker or if it was a typo or if it meant something specific.
I did like the "she was under the influence . . ." line!
I love this line: "...she had leaned heavily against me to whisper something into my ear that was as explicit as it was blunt. At that point the organ generally in charge of operations temporarily stepped down from duty."
ReplyDeleteOther than that, it's a bit gibberish. I understand what is happening around paragraph three... that's when you start writing clearly. But before that, I'm lost. The entire first paragraph makes no sense to me. Not a great way to open a novel. Your writing is too flowery--try to show us what is happening without all the bizarre references: "hypnotized by the mudslides of her upheaval" "soaking deluge began amassing into pools in the folds of my pants" etc.
SecretAgent
Just as the Pursuit of Happyness had a deliberate misspelling in the title, I'm prepared to give the title the benefit of the doubt, and assume there's a reason for the novel spelling.
ReplyDeleteThe writing, however, didn't grab me for the reasons mentioned by other commentors, it sounds like the writer swallowed a thesaurus. A more natural voice is always more appealing.
Just as the Pursuit of Happyness had a deliberate misspelling in the title, I'm prepared to give the title the benefit of the doubt, and assume there's a reason for the novel spelling.
ReplyDeleteThe writing, however, didn't grab me for the reasons mentioned by other commentors, it sounds like the writer swallowed a thesaurus. A more natural voice is always more appealing.