TITLE: Keepers of the Flame
GENRE: YA Political Thriller
Graduation.
High school graduation.
An event synonymous with death in some circles. For the sun-bleached prom queen and muscley jock, Pomp and Circumstance was a funeral march, counting down the last precious seconds of their best four years.
Unless you graduated from Kingston Academy.
At Kingston, the prom queen, with her long blonde ringlets and big blue eyes would probably go on to command NATO. And the jock? He, along with his package of synthetically grown muscles, was on the fast track to becoming President of the United States. In a school notorious for educating the offspring of government officials, prominent businessmen and classy celebrities, Essie Hall was neither the most famous student, nor the only one to graduate early.
Essie was, however, salutatorian.
Which is how she found herself sitting in a chair. On a stage. Clutching note cards. In front of thousands of watchful eyes.
Essie gulped.
She tried wiping her sweaty hands on her grad gown, but the silky blue material refused to absorb. Chalking it up to failure, Essie surveyed the rows and rows of proud mommies and daddies, identical in black suits, skirts and sunglasses.
Except for one.
In her favorite burnt orange tank and bohemian skirt, Liora Hall jumped up and down, waving an enormous hand-painted banner.
CONGRATULATIONS, VANESSA and ETHAN!
Essie’s face blossomed with color. Mom! She groaned. In the face of near certain death-by-public speaking, she would have appreciated a mom who could conform to certain standard social norms. Like wearing black, for example.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really like the first few paragraphs here. You paint an awesome picture of the frivolity of High School popularity that's pertinent and poignant. Then you use that picture to show how different Essie's high school is.
ReplyDeleteThere's a couple of clunky points that I'd just like to point out, though. The sentence "Essie was, however, salutatorian." Doesn't carry the impact I think you want it to. I'm not sure what you'd need to do with it, but it gets buried in the midst of the other sentences.
Also, the phrase, "Chalking it up to failure" in regards to her sweaty hands and the grad gown doesn't make any sense to me. I honestly don't know what you're trying to convey there.
However, I really do like what you've got going on here. I think the concept is good, and the picture of Essie's mom sticking out so obviously from the crowd of parents is instantly familiar.
Good Job!
I like a lot of things about this, most especially the category. YA political thriller? Definitely intriguing! It reminds me a little of an older version of Stuart Gibb's SPY SCHOOL, which is great! I also like how you made her salutatorian and not valedictorian (which would have been more cliche). Love the little details sprinkled in (she's graduating early, she may or may not be a twin since we assume Ethan is her brother). Tiny quibbles- you describe the jock as muscley twice- could you switch one to something equally stereotypical. Also, you need another dash between public and speaking. SOO minor! I would definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteI personally find it very difficult to have great voice in third person, but you've done an excellent job with this. Essie is immediately identifiable and likeable.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous comment about "chalking it up to failure." Did you mean that she wasn't going to get her hands dry? Maybe something like, "...absorb, so it wasn't happening. Giving up, Essie surveyed..." If that's what you meant.
I love the mom all ready and want to know how Ethan feels about it. I would keep reading. : )
Your first few paragraphs come across as an info dump. The info is interesting, but I don't think you should start with it. I love how her mom stands out in orange while the other parents are dressed in black. You do a great job showing that Essie is nervous. Bring Essie into the first paragraph and it will be much better.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous comment. I like this a lot, I like the voice, I love the mom, I'm interested to read on. But I want you to start with Essie. We can learn more about the school later.
ReplyDeleteI entirely love this. The way you control the story, the way character is revealed, the way stereotypes are used and then twisted. Fantastic stuff. I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteLove political thrillers, so love this. I really like the humor element added in. An embarrassing parent - always an excellent conflict point. I didn't get the "chalking it up to failure" point. Might need to clarify that. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteNot in agreement with the 3rd paragraph - it feels like a dated cliche because the jocks and cheerleaders of today are gifted athletes who are probably looking forward to shining on for four more years in college. But I still loved this. Great voice and really intrigued by a prep school churning out the future leaders of the country. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteThink about jumping right into the action and weaving in all the details of these early paragraphs amongst action. All is good, but the pace would pick up if you balanced action with information. I would definitely read more. Good work.
ReplyDeleteI don't really get into this until Essie is introduced. Then I'm drawn into your story. The first few paragraphs contain extra information that a reader might argue with and that would detract from your reader's involvement with the story.
ReplyDeleteI like this. I agree that you might be better off filling in the details later, instead of the first few paragraphs, but I think that's easily fixable. Great voice and mysterious characters..... I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteWay too much "telling" here. I'd ditch the first several paragraphs. You could start with "At Kingston ..."
ReplyDeleteAnd might be usedful if you descriped the skirt (as you did the top) instead of just saying "bohemian." As I'm nost sure what a bohemian skirt is. LIfestyle, yes; skirt, no.
I've been mulling this one over and read the excerpt a couple times. Comparing high school graduation to a funeral march is an astute observation, but it feels like one an older person looking back would make. The narrator seems distant, which I don't tend to see in YA; not to say you can't use third person, but it feels very withdrawn, that a narrator is telling us these kids' best years are over, when I don't buy that a popular senior would believe that for him/herself; they might think they'd continue supreme popularity in college (only to compete with scads of other prom queens and star jocks at a large university).
ReplyDeleteI would maybe consider writing a closer third person to get more inside your MC's head; I used to wonder why the majority of YA was written in 1st person, and I purposely sought out 3rd person narratives in YA. I think it's worth taking a closer look at how closer narration works in YA and what benefits it allows. In the end, up to you!
I think your writing is great, but the opening theme here doesn't quite ring true for YA for me. It also feels a little cliche; it's easy to pick on prom queens and jocks. What is your story REALLY about? I see political thriller and I want to see that rather than the immediate reflection on high school.
Best of luck with your writing :)
I was a bit surprised at the end. Given that Essie has already throttled the cliche jocks and cheerleaders, then the ideintically clad power moms and dads, I thought she was going to welcome the sight of a mom who was totally not the cookie-cutter version of every one else. So, because of that, I am left uncertain as to who Essie is as a character - I know a bit about the school at this point (which sounds intriguing by the way) but not enough about HER. Even in a first 250, I do think some hint of the genre should seep through and I don't have that here - yet. But, your strength is the voice. I would like to second the advice given above by someone about reading for examples of "close 3rd person" because I think you have a gift for it. It doesn't have to be YA, Harlan Coben writes thrillers and most of his books are excellent examples of that. Good luck with this.
ReplyDeleteReally great writing. Super strong and the mc's voice is great. I think you really captured the stereotypical BUT TRUE (most the time) ideas of jocks and prom queens, public school and private school.
ReplyDeleteGreat scene setting. I love the audience with her mom being the only one standing out. I would be excite to see where that leads. Or why she attends this school if her family isn't like all the other families. Great set up. I'm hooked.
SecretAgent
Really great writing. Super strong and the mc's voice is great. I think you really captured the stereotypical BUT TRUE (most the time) ideas of jocks and prom queens, public school and private school.
ReplyDeleteGreat scene setting. I love the audience with her mom being the only one standing out. I would be excite to see where that leads. Or why she attends this school if her family isn't like all the other families. Great set up. I'm hooked.
SecretAgent