TITLE: Sorry's Not Enough
GENRE: New Adult - Realistic Fiction
Sanguinolent sunset. Now there's a word you don't see every day. Charlotte circled it with her red pen and drew a smiley face at the end of the line, just below where she'd called out a different phrase for being trite. As the rest of the group took turns giving feedback, she continued making notes. By the time she was done, the paper was sanguinolent too.
She looked up when the group grew quiet. Her turn. She looked down at the poem again and hoped its author wouldn't be offended. She had to look at the paper to remember his name. Steven.
“It's a little confused,” she said. There was a pause and a shuffle of papers.
“What don't you understand?” he asked.
She snapped her chin up to look at him and was taken aback by the force of his gaze and the color of his eyes. There wasn't an adjective to describe the shade of green staring back at her.
“I'm not confused. Your poem is.”
His attention dropped to his copy of the poem. She could almost see his brain struggling to acknowledge that there could be any imperfections. He probably thought it was soooo amazing! as proclaimed by Aubrey, the bubbly redhead to his left. She had gushed to an embarrassing extent, obviously more interested in getting his number than saying anything meaningful. With a pang of something she refused to believe was jealousy, Charlotte realized that, of the two of them, Aubrey would be the only one taking any numbers.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think you give us a pretty good impression of Charlotte's character from the start, which is great. And I thought her interaction with Steven was amusing. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThe only suggestion I'd make is give a better sense of setting at the start--are we in high school, college maybe? Seems like an English classroom setting, but I'm not 100% on it. It would just the reader get a better handle on Charlotte's age, etc.
So what does sanguinolent mean? is it spelled correctly? Spell check doesn't like it...
ReplyDeleteCollege or high school?
Would like to have her try and describe his green eyes.
First two words caught my attention!
I'm curious enough to read more. I agree about the setting. I'd like to know more about where they are. Sounds like a college class?
ReplyDeleteThe only line I stumbled over was "Charlotte circled it with her red pen and drew a smiley face at the end of the line, just below where she'd called out a different phrase for being trite." The last part of that line is a bit clunky. Other than that, I thought it was fairly well written and with a distinguishable voice.
You had me at 'sanguinolent'. I'll be adding it to my lexiphile list straight away :) I could definitely get into the MC but, as another blogger pointed out, some of your phrasing is a tad clunky. Other than that, I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteLike the others, I'd like to know the setting.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of a critique group and a possible romance brewing.
I also really like her response, "I'm not confused. Your poem is."
Good luck!
Hahaha! Oh how I love critique groups! "What do you mean you think my writing sucks? Huh... huh.... HUH?!?!"
ReplyDeleteWe've all been there! I love how you've captured that scene ( :
And I LOVE the line "I'm not confused. Your poem is." This just makes me think there should be a dear-in-the-headlights boy looking back at her wondering what the crap she is talking about!
I'd definitely keep reading. My only suggestion... can we maybe get a definition of "sanguinolent"?? Cause... um... yeah, I have no clue what you're talking about. Haha ( :
Happy writing!
Hahaha! Oh how I love critique groups! "What do you mean you think my writing sucks? Huh... huh.... HUH?!?!"
ReplyDeleteWe've all been there! I love how you've captured that scene ( :
And I LOVE the line "I'm not confused. Your poem is." This just makes me think there should be a dear-in-the-headlights boy looking back at her wondering what the crap she is talking about!
I'd definitely keep reading. My only suggestion... can we maybe get a definition of "sanguinolent"?? Cause... um... yeah, I have no clue what you're talking about. Haha ( :
Happy writing!
All of us here can relate to this topic, can't we!? I definitely connected with this opening. It's possible the reason is because I can relate, and I wonder if those not so attuned to this process would find it as interesting.
ReplyDeleteThat said, sanguinolent sunset drew me in and made me curious. I would definitely want to read more and I'd like to learn more about Charlotte.
I like this, and like that she isn't going to pretend something is good just to snag a number. It shows a lot about her. I'd read on:)
ReplyDeleteI like this. I had to look up what sanguinolent meant and even though I was confused at first because I didn't know the word, I feel like it actually gives a lot of insight into Steven's character. I also like the attitude of your M.C. and think your writing is well done. I'd keep reading even though NA isn't usually my thing. :)
ReplyDeleteMy guess is that sanguinolent means red or something in that range - because she refers to the edited page as well. Must be a red pen.
ReplyDeleteYou could make it a tad more obvious, but I don't think its necessary. I think people should have to look up a word or two when they read!
Agree about wanting to know the setting, but I expect that to be resolved quickly.
I loved the interactions and the MC's thoughts.
I'd definitely read on (and this isn't my typical genre).
I'd keep reading, fer sure. Unfortunately this reminds me far too much of a certain writing conference where a bunch of MFAs in my class, it turned out, didn't care at all for my commentary (preferring commentary of the gushing flowery variety).
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading, for sure. Not a lot happens here, but I do get a sense of who the character is and I realize 250 words is a short space to cram a ton of details. Totally optional, but it may help to establish this is a college setting given the genre is New Adult. If this tidbit shortly follows the excerpt here, I wouldn't worry about it. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading, even if I don't know what that 1st word means:)
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job giving the feeling of a crit. group, the varying opinions, and of course, hot guys getting in the way of "real" critiquing.
Great lines. I'm not confused. Your poem is.
With a pang of something she refused to believe was jealousy, Charlotte realized that, of the two of them, Aubrey would be the only one taking any numbers.
I liked this! I had to look up what sanguinolent meant, but once I did I felt like I got a great insight into both Steven's character and Charlotte's.
ReplyDeleteThe line about there not being an adjective to describe the shade of green staring back at her bothered me, though. First because it's a bit of a cliché to include a boy whose eye colour defies description, and second because it seems implausible. Charlotte knows the meaning of sanguinolent but can't describe a shade of green? Surely there IS an adjective to describe his eyes unless he's an alien.
Absolutely love the line "I'm not confused. Your poem is." It made me root for Charlotte right away. I'd definitely read on with this.
I liked this! I had to look up what sanguinolent meant, but once I did I felt like I got a great insight into both Steven's character and Charlotte's.
ReplyDeleteThe line about there not being an adjective to describe the shade of green staring back at her bothered me, though. First because it's a bit of a cliché to include a boy whose eye colour defies description, and second because it seems implausible. Charlotte knows the meaning of sanguinolent but can't describe a shade of green? Surely there IS an adjective to describe his eyes unless he's an alien.
Absolutely love the line "I'm not confused. Your poem is." It made me root for Charlotte right away. I'd definitely read on with this.
I love it. It's simple. A quiet start. But it works. I like that there is going to be a writing plotline in the novel. Readers are often times writers and they will relate to that. Especially criticism!
ReplyDeleteI also sense a fun love interest here. You did a great job setting that up. I'm excited to see where this goes. I would totally keep reading.
SecretAgent
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey Riley -- I deleted it. Next time, just go ahead and email me when you see something inappropriate. I will always delete troll-ish comments. :-)
ReplyDelete*salutes* Roger that! :)
ReplyDelete