TITLE: Breaking Pointe
GENRE: YA Contemporary
After her death, it snowed for the first time in years.
Alex Emerson lay sprawled on the locker room floor, watching the snow swirl outside. He tried not to focus on the blood running down his left arm. Instead he tried to focus on why the flakes were white. If he was supposed to feel something about snow in October.
But nothing could take his mind off Beth.
The cut on his arm stung, demanding his attention. His eyes took a few seconds to adjust to the sight of so much blood. Red on dirty white. Was that what the blood down by the railroad tracks would look like now? Would all that remained of her be covered by the snow?
The principal droned on inside the gym, picking adjectives for his best friend from a funeral-themed fridge poetry set. Beth Farlow was so talented. So kind. So depressed she threw herself in front of a train.
Alex dug his nails into his palm and blood gushed from the wound. Endorphins obliterated every trace of pain, and for a second he thought it would be over. That he'd cut deep enough.
But he wasn't as dramatic, as efficient, as Beth. With every passing minute the blood flow ebbed and the memorial service in the gym went on.
He had still lost her three days ago. He was still alive.
The door flew open and footsteps echoed through the silence.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I was really gripped by this. I think you immediately set the tone of overwhelming loss.
ReplyDeleteI'd recommend flipping the first line somehow. "It snowed for the first time in years after she died."
And I think you need some bridge between the "..in the gym went on" line and "He had still lost her".
But I would definitely keep reading.
I loved the first line and when I got to Alex's name I thought Alex was the girl who died, so that's what I think you should fix. But I love the emotions the texts reveals, it almost quiet and painful. It's great, best of luck hey
ReplyDeleteI would read on. I like the mood you set here. The only part I had to reread was the principal being her best friend. Still not sure I read it correctly.So I'm wondering is Beth a student or a faculty member? That aside, I'd like to see more.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning certainly gets my attention. But when I read on, it feels odd--like the brilliant first line drew me in and then dropped me.
ReplyDeleteMaybe if you put the third paragraph second, it would help.
In any case, you set the mood for a sense of loss and depression that teens so often deal with. The subject matter, if handled in a deft manner, could be compelling reading.
I would read on.
You hooked me right away, although the first sentence (as beautiful as it is) confused me a bit. I would start with the second one and incorporate the lovely language you used in the last sentence of that paragraph.
ReplyDeleteVery cool idea...You never hear of guys being cutters.
Really nice. I was scrolling through, looking for an entry that hooked me enough to read the whole thing - yours did. Love the juxtaposition of the snow and the blood. I would read on for sure.
ReplyDeletethe idea is there, the intent is there, I find the sentences and word choice awkward, requiring rereading in a few places. "Was that what the blood down..." is an example of a phrase that I think can be smoothed.
ReplyDeleteLots of good things happening here: the imagery, the conflict, the emotion, internal vs. external. But the way information is revealed is confusing. I wanted to know who "her" was straight away. I thought Alex was injured, like this was the aftermath of something. Only when I realized he was hurting himself did I understand. And then it was SO good.
ReplyDeleteI was intrigued by the title -- Breaking Pointe makes me think of ballet -- and then the snow imagery and the surprising gender of the MC grabbed me. If this is indeed a novel that involves ballet and the MC is male and there's dealing with death stuff... I would read it.
ReplyDeleteStrong writing, but I was confused about who was dead at the beginning. Also, I've not been in a locker room which had windows that allowed someone to watch it snow. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteThis is the type of story that grips from the gut. It allows a forgiveness of starting with weather. Immediately we know the main character and what he has suffered. I'd read on.
ReplyDeletePunchy writing. Gripping premise. And oh, the tension! I'd read on, even though I wonder if the theme of teen suicide is a bit overdone.
ReplyDeleteGood work! Love your writing.
I thought this was just great. I was engaged from the first sentence to the very end.
ReplyDeleteI liked the imagery of the white snow and the red blood. I was curious as to how/why Alex's arm was bleeding in the 2nd paragraph. Later he digs his nails into his palms to make them bleed, so did he also self inflict an injury to his arm?
I would definitely be interested in reading more.
Wow. Intense opening. I definitely feel the tension, the emotion, and the ticking clock. Would keep reading!!!
ReplyDeleteWow. Intense opening. I definitely feel the tension, the emotion, and the ticking clock. Would keep reading!!!
ReplyDeleteUm, yes I want to read more of this! What's going on!
ReplyDeleteReally great voice, I felt Alex's pain. You painted a gruesome picture with him lying there bleeding and watching the snow swirl outside. Beautiful.
I got confused, between Alex bleeding and the memorial service going on in the gym - maybe I missed something, but I think you need to place him so we KNOW he can hear the service ... otherwise, it seems an odd shift in POV that interupts the flow.
ReplyDeleteI really like contemporary YA that deals with weighty issues, so I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteA few things that I think would make this stronger: using Beth's name in the opening line. The line is great, but since we don't know "her" yet, naming her right away brings meaning. Right off I'd want to know more about Beth; less so when it's just a nameless her.
I would remove the repetition of "tried" in the next section. Some writers avoid "tried to" all together (are they doing it or not? are they failing at the task? Your choice to use it at all but twice slows the pace).
I felt a little disoriented to the setting; he's bleeding in the locker room while some sort of memorial service is going on in the other room. I think more concrete details will solidify the setting; right now it feels a little melodramatic without much context. I think you have all the elements here, but maybe they need to be reworked a bit.
This is gripping. I'm instantly intrigued. I love the fact that it features a boy as the MC. I love what he says about the funeral and the refrigerator poetry set. So true! Which adds some dark humour to the piece. I'm interested in this character. He is pulling me in.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is solid. I like this very much. I would definitely keep reading.
SecretAgent
I'd love to see more of this.
ReplyDeleteSecretAgent