TITLE: THE CURSE
GENRE: Adult Paranormal
I was born into this life a witch, naked and pink as nature intended; And it was for my birthright I was taken out of this world, naked just the same.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
Yes. The being killed naked part intrigues me. Writing needs to sustain that intrigue.
ReplyDeleteYes. The part about being born a witch as naked intended hoked me.
ReplyDeleteYes. Now I want to know what took her out of the world and why she was naked at the time.
ReplyDeleteYes. It's well written and comes in a full circle. I have a thing for full circles.
ReplyDeleteYes, it gave me a beginning and end. Which I like.
ReplyDeleteYes. You create two very clear images with this one line, and I am curious to read on.
ReplyDeleteNo. It seems like a cliche opening.
ReplyDeleteYES. Well constructed and mysterious
ReplyDeleteNo. Seems a bit of a cheat with the semi-colon, and with that, a bit too much info for a first sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteyes. I had to think about it for a while. The next sentence would have to knock my socks off if I were to read beyond that.
ReplyDeleteNo. Grandiose. I think it's "naked just the same" that pushed it over the edge into sonorous.
ReplyDeleteNo. But it can be made a grabber with some editing.
ReplyDeleteYes. I want to know why she's naked.. The sentence is a little clunky though.
ReplyDeleteYES. I love the writing, first off. Second, why was she killed for being a witch? The writing helps weave an intriguing question.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm a sucker for witches and like that it ties beginning and end.
ReplyDeleteNo. I actually like the idea, but I feel like there's just too much going on for one sentence.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDelete"nake just the same." pulled the yes out of me. I don't love it, but I'm interested.
Yes. It's well written, and I'm interested to know what's going on in the book.
ReplyDeleteIt's a little cliche, though, and if the following lines didn't work really well, I might not keep reading.
No. I agree the semicolon feels like a cheat to get the single sentence, and I really do feel I've seen similar lines elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI like the part before the semi-colon. But the second part tells me we're about to have a flashback. I don't like starting with flashbacks. (Is the birthright the witchiness or something else?)
No. There's too much going on in the sentence, and the semicolon's addition feels tacked on.
ReplyDeleteNO, I think it's too much. I'd prefer it to be two sentences, plus it hints of misery-lit, which I'm not into.
ReplyDeleteNo. Didn't care for the construction.
ReplyDeleteNO. The sentence is a bit clunky, though I like the cyclical nature you tried to bring to it.
ReplyDeleteNo. Love the concept, but the sentence as a whole needs work.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the voice. Some of the grammar needs fixed but the voice caught me.
ReplyDeleteNo. It looks like you realized the first sentence wasn't going to cut it and so you stuck the next sentence to it, making for a too long and incorrectly punctuated sentence. I also didn't get the 'for my birthright' part. The 'for' didn't make any sense. You can definitely trim this down to one compact sentence and have a much stronger hook, the idea is there.
ReplyDeleteNo. I think this is a bit too wordy.
ReplyDeleteNo. I almost said yes but there are grammatical errors and the "for" sounds like it should be "because of".
ReplyDeleteYes. Grammar issues aside, the imagery is great, "naked and pink" which bodes well for the rest; and the premise it lays forth is intriguing.
ReplyDeleteYES -Iike the nature/naked echo. I'd change the semicolon to a period, though.
ReplyDeleteNo. I agree this opening is a bit trite.
ReplyDeleteNo for a first sentance. Yes for the concept.
ReplyDeleteYes. Need to read a little more. First line seems wordy to me though.
ReplyDeleteYes. The intrigue is there, even thought the sentence itself seems awkward.
ReplyDeleteYes! The only thing more exciting than witches is naked witches.
ReplyDeleteYes, love that she's supposedly dead. Also love the balance of the sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo. This first sentence seems like it's trying too hard.
ReplyDeleteNo. There's nothing here to impress me. Sure, she's a witch. Sure, she was born naked. These are standards of fantasy. Even the idea of dying naked is not new or interesting enough to grab me.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteSounds overly sexy. and the "and" after ; should be lower case.
Yes. Witch both brought into and taken out of the world is intriguing.
ReplyDeleteYes - but with caveats - check proper semicolon usage and consider a synonym for "naked" the second time around.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's dramatic and seems to fit with the genre and title.
ReplyDeleteNo. It is an interesting concept, but it sounds like you jput two sentences together, and now it feels choppy to me.
ReplyDeleteNo. reads like an attempt to shoehorn two sentences into one and in either case is confusing all the same.
ReplyDeleteNo. The language is a little grandiose for my taste.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't like the naked and pink part. If you left it at naked, maybe. I also know a lot about witches so the part about being dead is kind of obvious. Most accused witches were killed. So the surprise element is lacking.
ReplyDeleteYes. It could be cleaned up a bit, but I really like the voice.
ReplyDeleteNo. Wordy. Could be tighter. "and" after semi-colon doesn't need to be capitalized.
ReplyDeleteNo. As I see others have said "and" shouldn't be capitalized after a semicolon, but also it's vague as to whether being a witch is the speaker's birthright, or if the birthright refers to something else.
ReplyDeleteYes. I found it intriguing and want to read more.
ReplyDeleteNo. The semicolon feels like a cheat to make a single more interesting first sentence. I do like the idea presented, and I think this could be great with some editing.
ReplyDeleteYes, strong voice, but the uppercase And seems strange.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't like the voice and found the sentence confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm not sure that 'as nature intended' actually adds to the voice. The sentence seems a bit overdone. You could just say she was born a naked witch and she died a naked witch (not exactly like that--but something simpler that doesn't seem so haughty).
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm a sucker for a well-told story about witches (especially with well-researched history weaved in), and this opened up in an intriguing way.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like what it's going for, but don't think it succeeded at it. Needs to be reworked.
ReplyDeleteNo, don't care for the voice
ReplyDeleteNo. The sentence was clunky. But I like the idea.
ReplyDeleteNo. I liked the ideas, but too much info in one sentence. Semi colon doesn't work for me there. Could work if reworded.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the mystery of how she was taken out of this world. Plus, I enjoy stories about witches, so I'm hooked. :)
ReplyDeleteYes. It has me sort of intrigued, though I'm not sure about if I'd like the voice, but I like how the line ends referencing the first part.
ReplyDeleteNo. The sentence confused me.
ReplyDeleteNo. The wording strikes me as a tad melodramatic. Plus, the sentence feels more like a premise or a prologue than a start to a story. Unless the character is currently dead, I'm very confused as to the tenses used. If the character IS currently dead... I'm still confused.
ReplyDeleteYes. I don't usually like being told up front the character dies, and the sentence was a little awkward. I did like the 'naked and pink as nature intended' and the 'taken out of this world, naked just the same' though. Great phrasing.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm on the fence....but I'm just not convinced.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the circular structure. Plus, I love this genre.
ReplyDeleteNo. Telling me the character is dead in the first line doesn't do anything for me.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence is long and unwieldy. And it makes it sound like nature intended her to be born naked and pink because she's a witch, when everyone is born naked and pink regardless... (unless you aren't). The hook bit seems to be that she's naked when she dies... but that doesn't really grab me.
No. It tells me nothing.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm intrigued enough to keep reading, to see what the character has to say.
ReplyDeleteYes. I want to get to know this deep witch.
ReplyDeleteYes. I do think this is really two sentences, but if you'd ended it with "as nature intended," I'd still be hooked.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the writing style enough to want more
ReplyDeleteYes, I like this, it's pretty and horrid at the same time. I like the balance of naked being at the beginning and the end.
ReplyDeleteYes. I love that the beginning of the sentence and the end of the sentence tie together.
ReplyDeleteNo. Had to read twice to get it, especially with the grammatical error.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteNo, it just doesn't do it for me. I think it's a bit long, for a start, and a lot of stories start with a character being born or a reference to them being born - bit of a cliche.
ReplyDelete