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Wednesday, August 8, 2012

August First Line Grabber #4

TITLE: Inside the Circle
GENRE: YA Contemporary

“So when do the doctors think you’ll get out of here?” I ask Allison as I shiver in the deep-freeze of the Center.

63 comments:

  1. No. It sounds like she's in the center of a deep-freeze. I know that's not what you meant, but that's the image I get.

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  2. No, because the line is awkward and tries to do too much. Chopping off "as I shiver..." would actually make it better.

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  3. No. Although starting with dialogue is daring, the follow-up afterward throws me off.

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  4. No. I don't really care for starting off with dialogue, and "the Center" gives it a kind of trite dystopian feel.

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  5. No. It's not specific enough for me to latch on to anything in particular, and I'm not huge of starting off with dialogue unless the line is epic.

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  6. No. The sentence was phrased poorly. The idea that the whole book might be like that would turn me off.

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  7. No. I think I can see what the author is trying to do here, but it's falling flat.

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  8. No. Instantly I'm very confused. I don't like starting off a story being confused.

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  9. No.

    I don't usually like dialog as a first line. And this isn't an overly interesting line. Seems like there are a million stories this could belong to. Make it original.

    And because we don't know these characters yet I don't really care when whoever (Alison, I know) gets out of there.

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  10. No. I don't know what's going on to care about it.

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  11. No -- I'm interested in medical stories, but this isn't quite grabbing me... feel like I need something more specific to this story/these characters, and less general about being in a hospital.

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  12. No. It doesn't have plot or conflict.

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  13. Yes. But I'm ambivalent. If they'd cut it off at "Allison," it would have been more compelling.

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  14. No: I'd simplify here

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  15. No. I almost said yes but the wording doesn't flow right.

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  16. No. The second half of your sentence reads awkwardly to me.

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  17. Yes, I want to know what Allison's issue is. But I agree that the descriptors could be simplified.

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  18. No. I think the dialogue may need something to do more with the deep freeze center. Something more dire.

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  19. No, but I never like books that start with dialogue. I prefer to be grounded for a few lines first.

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  20. No, not as is. I feel like you need to rewind a bit and set the scene.

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  21. No. It feels like I'm dropped into the middle of dialogue when I should already know what's going on.

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  22. No. There's not enough information about the MC for the dialog to be significant and the information that is there feels awkward.

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  23. No, I am not connecting to Allison or the MC and the surroundings don't describe Allison's predicament.

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  24. No, I am not connecting to Allison or the MC and the surroundings don't describe Allison's predicament.

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  25. No. deep-freeze seems awkward, and the whole sentence a bit clunky.

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  26. No. Lots of words and no excitement.

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  27. Yes
    However, the sentence should end after Allison.

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  28. No, I don't like the 'I ask as I' sentence construction.

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  29. No. It just strikes me as awkward.

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  30. No, it doesn't feel like the best place to start the story.

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  31. No. Not the way to start.

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  32. No. The sentence structuring makes it too bland a start.

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  33. No - on the fence. I want to know who the MC is talking to, but overall it still feels a little clunky. I think I would need to know what the Center is for it to hook me.

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  34. No. Try switching it around and have the dialog come second:

    I shiver in the deep freeze. "So when, etc."

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  35. No. I'm not a big fan of starting with dialogue. It feels like you have to cram in too much "As you know, Bob," to get your point across right away.

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  36. No. Opening with dialogue before knowing anything about the characters is risky. This tells us nothing about either character, whether they are in a medical hospital, mental hospital, old-age home, etc., or how either of them feels about it.

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  37. No. Clunky sentence that doesn't evoke place or emotion for me, in spite of the details.

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  38. No, maybe change up the word order for better flow.

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  39. No.
    losing the last half of the sentence might make it stronger. As in - no need for the shivering.

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  40. No. I don't go for dialogue as an opening sentence.

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  41. No. This is clunky, and I'm not a big fan of present tense writing.

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  42. Yes.
    It's a very soft yes. I'm interested to know where her friend is and why.
    Though, since my interest is in Allison and not the narrator, that might be a bad sign.

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  43. No. I'm not connecting with the dialogue right off the bat. The capitalization of Center makes it feel dystopian, though it's labelled as contemporary, though I can also assume it's taking place in a hospital or rehab setting and they're doing a work detail (?)

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  44. No, not a big fan of present-tense beginnings, and it took me a bit to figure out that this wasn't sci fi. I instantly thought they're prisoners in some kind of Center run by frigid aliens or something. I didn't get 'hospital' at all, and I'm not sure whether the deep-freeze is literal or figurative.

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  45. No, but only because I, too, felt it was sci fi, like they were actually in a deep freezer. THAT I liked :)

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  46. Yes, though I detest present tense - that's just personal taste. I am interested in their predicament.

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  47. No. Feels like too much going on and not enough context to go off of. Though I'm am kind of curious as to what's going on, it's so busy that it takes me too long to figure it out.

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  48. No. Starts with dialogue that isn't all that compelling. Doesn't suggest urgency or conflict. Maybe if you started with something like a description of Allison's situation, if that's compelling. Or maybe a description of where we are, since we seem to standing in a deep freeze. Or the maybe the character's fears for Allison.

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  49. No. Sounds awkward. It confused me more than pulled me in.

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  50. No, but it was close. I think I'd like the sentence if it ended after "Alison."

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  51. No. Trying to do too much without accomplishing anything unique. All we know is someone is in the hospital and it's cold.

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  52. No. Setting is creepy-sounding but the dialogue sounds too laid-back.

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  53. No.

    The added information confused me. Without clarification, I think they're actually in a freezer, and the wording at the end is awkwardly arranged.

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  54. Yes. I'm curious about this deep-freeze.

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  55. No. If it was just the dialogue maybe, but the rest of the sentence is awkward and confusing.

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  56. No. There's no real mystery. Seems generic

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  57. Yes. I want to know where here is and why it's so cold.

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  58. No. I feel like the sentence is trying to do too much too quick.

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