Yes. (Sorry for the earlier anonymous comment; please remove it). This first sentence is very thought provoking, and I like the mysterious tone, that makes you want to read more.
Yes. You've set up the idea that leaving is desirable, but doing so is impossible, while instilling the idea that parting soul from body might be a possible thing.
"Body still wrapped around your soul" gives a very odd picture. And I don't know what you mean, at all. Also, who is talking to who? using "your" sounds like dialog. Or like the narrator is talking to the reader, which if that's the case we should at least know what "land" you're talking about.
Yes. Personally, I enjoyed the phrasing. It didn't feel clunky to me - more like a more archaic/fantastic way of speaking. Whether or not it's MG, I still find it intriguing.
No. Interesting concept but you wrote two sentences with incorrect punctuation. Thus, you have lost the potential punch and made me fearful of the writing to come.
No with caveat. I found this poetic, but I had to go back and read a second time to understand the gist. Particularly difficult for a MG. Personal preference, but I don't think the reader should have to work hard on the first sentence - it should be like letting go at the top of a slide.
No. I like the idea, but the sentence is awkward, particularly at the beginning. It would sound better to start off in a positive way, and then close with the negative. "It is possible to leave..., but not with..."
Yes. I like the description of the body wrapped around the soul. I'd keep going for a bit to see if it stayed interesting. Warning: The comma splice issue nearly tilted things the other way.
No--but only because I was confused by it and had to read it twice. If you replace the kind of 'bleh' comma with a dash, I'd have more time to process the contrast. (I didn't get the contrast first time around) Also, 'this land' seems unnecessary to me...
No. I really need to start commenting on these things earlier because other people have already mentioned my concerns: heavy-handed, and Beware the Comma Splice.
Yes. There's plenty of MG out there with complicated ideas and long sentences, especially upper MG, and I think we need to make kids reach with intricate storytelling. That said, maybe opening with the second person pronoun would bring intimacy and immediacy: "You could leave this land, but not with your body still wrapped around your soul." Or skip the first half and write in the conditional: It was going to be impossible to leave this land with (my? Our? her?) body/ies still wrapped..." Good luck.
It sounds to me like it's just stating what happens when you die, only in very complicated language and metaphor (if not, I'd like the "land" named). This seems like a very existential voice for MG, though.
Yes. It's a nice turn of phrase which suggests the author has good skills.
ReplyDeleteYes. Very interesting and thought provoking first sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo. The sentence feels a little clunky for me, and the voice seems off.
ReplyDeleteYes. (Sorry for the earlier anonymous comment; please remove it). This first sentence is very thought provoking, and I like the mysterious tone, that makes you want to read more.
ReplyDeleteYes. You've set up the idea that leaving is desirable, but doing so is impossible, while instilling the idea that parting soul from body might be a possible thing.
ReplyDeleteNo. It feels awkward. And it feels way too old for MG.
ReplyDeleteYes. It's an awesome concept. I will mention that it seems a little too old for MG though. YA more likely.
ReplyDeleteNo. This confuses me. I would rather have a feeling for the MC first without the author needing to explain what she means by this first sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo. It is confusing, could definitely use some clarification.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too high-falutin' for MG.
ReplyDeleteNo. It feels off. Kind of clunky and not very MG.
ReplyDeleteNo: language is awkward
ReplyDeleteNo -- the sentence feels awkward to me.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much drama
ReplyDeleteNo. I was on the fence with this one. I like idea of being unable to leave without losing your soul, but I agree that it doesn't really sound MG.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought: "What?"
"Body still wrapped around your soul" gives a very odd picture. And I don't know what you mean, at all. Also, who is talking to who? using "your" sounds like dialog. Or like the narrator is talking to the reader, which if that's the case we should at least know what "land" you're talking about.
Yes. No. Maybe. Interesting concept, but too wordy/convoluded for a first line in MG.
ReplyDeleteYes. I love the imagery of a body wrapping a soul.
ReplyDeleteNo. "This land" and "body wrapped around soul" sound like they're trying to be new-agey/old-wisdomey, and I don't think it works, particularly for MG.
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree that the sentence is awkward, but the concept is intriguing.
ReplyDeleteYes. It is an intriguing concept, but it's also a run-on. It needs a "but" or to be broken into 2 sentences.
ReplyDeleteBut I like "your body still wrapped around your soul."
Yes. Personally, I enjoyed the phrasing. It didn't feel clunky to me - more like a more archaic/fantastic way of speaking. Whether or not it's MG, I still find it intriguing.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the concept, but I don't like the wording.
ReplyDeleteNo. There are two sentences here so you need a semi-colon or a but or just two sentences.
ReplyDeleteYes. I physically raised an eyebrow; that's how intrigued I was.
ReplyDeleteNo. Interesting concept but you wrote two sentences with incorrect punctuation. Thus, you have lost the potential punch and made me fearful of the writing to come.
ReplyDeleteYes, I get it and it does intrigue me, but maybe it's a little Eckhart Tolle for MG.
ReplyDeleteYes. Having a body wrapped around a soul is a great fantasy image, and since having them separated implies death, it's also a bit foreboding.
ReplyDeleteYes. Despite the comma splice.
ReplyDeleteNo, too complex and preachy for a MG.
ReplyDeleteLove it!
ReplyDeleteYes. I like where this is going. The voice feels mature for MG, but I'd read on to see.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteFlows a little awkwardly and seems kind of melodramatic for a first sentence.
No. I had to reread a couple times to 'get' it. Feels like too much for MG.
ReplyDeleteYes. The sentence is almost prose. However, I would break this into two sentences for better flow.
ReplyDeleteNo. Nicely written, but I'm not pulled into the scene at all.
ReplyDeleteYes. I would read on, but this might not be a first sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo, I think it's almost there but not quite. It feels vague considering the length of the sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo - seems really heavy handed for MG.
ReplyDeleteYes, but it sounds more YA than MG. Powerful image, "...body still wrapped around your soul."
ReplyDeleteYes-ish. Yes for the concept but I would consider possibly changing the word order.
ReplyDeleteNo with caveat. I found this poetic, but I had to go back and read a second time to understand the gist. Particularly difficult for a MG. Personal preference, but I don't think the reader should have to work hard on the first sentence - it should be like letting go at the top of a slide.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the idea, but the sentence is awkward, particularly at the beginning. It would sound better to start off in a positive way, and then close with the negative. "It is possible to leave..., but not with..."
ReplyDeleteNo. I was totally going to say yes until I read it was MG. Too complicated for the age group.
ReplyDeleteNot quite. I like the idea, but the sentence still needs some tweaking. I don't like the use of 'impossible' twice so close together.
ReplyDeleteNo. Awkward and thus uninteresting.
ReplyDeleteYes, lovely writing.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteToo clunky and wordy for MG. I don't think the concept is easily grasped as described here.
Yes. This was iffy for me. One one hand the wording could be tighter, on the other, I'm intrigued. I chose yes.
ReplyDeleteNo. The sentence is clunky, and the voice seems wrong for MG. Might be better off leaving off the first clause entirely.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the description of the body wrapped around the soul. I'd keep going for a bit to see if it stayed interesting.
ReplyDeleteWarning: The comma splice issue nearly tilted things the other way.
No. This would have been a total, enthusiastic yes, had it not been for that MG genre tag.
ReplyDeleteNo--but only because I was confused by it and had to read it twice. If you replace the kind of 'bleh' comma with a dash, I'd have more time to process the contrast. (I didn't get the contrast first time around) Also, 'this land' seems unnecessary to me...
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the implication that "this land" is altogether different than any land I'm personally aquainted with. *grin*
ReplyDeleteNo, but only for wording, not idea. Love the idea but found the execution confusing.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is a good give and take back, although I think it needs more than a comma. The imagery is vivid. It interests me.
ReplyDeleteYes, because there is already a potential conflict source. However, I'm wondering if it sounds too dark for MG?
ReplyDeleteYes. It has promise of an interesting conflict and direction of the story. Though, I would replace the comma with an em-dash.
ReplyDeleteNo. Language seems too complicated for MG and too melodramatic for me.
ReplyDeleteNo. The concept seems way too weighty and adult for the opening of an MG book.
ReplyDeleteNo. Sounds kind of heavy-handed for MG.
ReplyDeleteYes. I liked the phrase "body still wrapped around your soul." I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteNo. I really need to start commenting on these things earlier because other people have already mentioned my concerns: heavy-handed, and Beware the Comma Splice.
ReplyDeleteYes. Sets up a conflict straight away.
ReplyDeleteNo, I was confused. Maybe just me, though.
ReplyDeleteYes. There's plenty of MG out there with complicated ideas and long sentences, especially upper MG, and I think we need to make kids reach with intricate storytelling. That said, maybe opening with the second person pronoun would bring intimacy and immediacy: "You could leave this land, but not with your body still wrapped around your soul." Or skip the first half and write in the conditional: It was going to be impossible to leave this land with (my? Our? her?) body/ies still wrapped..." Good luck.
ReplyDeleteYes. Made me wonder if the price for leaving is their soul.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like it's just stating what happens when you die, only in very complicated language and metaphor (if not, I'd like the "land" named). This seems like a very existential voice for MG, though.
No. Sentence is clunky for me and voice doesn't feel MG
ReplyDeleteYes. Love the conflict established right from the start.
ReplyDeleteNo. A bit awkward. Feels like it should be two sentences.
ReplyDeleteInteresting concept, but not quite there yet.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's interesting, but awkward for a first sentence. I also think it's a bit heavy for MG.
ReplyDeleteNo. The MC is making a statement. He's chatting. Let him do something.
ReplyDeleteYes. This seems original and it leaves me wondering what the character means.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm not big on references to the soul.
ReplyDeleteNo. Wording seems a little mature for MG.
ReplyDeleteNo, because I think this is two sentences. I'd say it's an interesting concept though.
ReplyDeleteNo: language is awkward
ReplyDelete