TITLE: Secondhand Sinners
GENRE: Women's fiction
She was nine-years-old when she first suspected her mother didn’t like her, fifteen when it became clear she hated her and eighteen when she had to surrender any hope that the woman who gave birth to her wanted her in her life. Now, at thirty-five, Emily Matthews was dangerously close to becoming just like her mother.
Why else would she have hesitated to answer the call when she saw it was from the school? Why else would she have considered telling the nurse she couldn’t come get her son because she was about to go into her first job interview since her ex-husband left? Why else would she be sitting in her car instead of storming into that building where her son was lying on the floor of the cafeteria having a meltdown?
These moments of hesitation, consideration and desperation didn’t last long — five to ten seconds at the most. But they cut her, bled her, drained her. Jack deserved a better mother, one who wasn’t bleeding all the time.
Emily took one last second to wallow in her pity and then got out of the car, hurrying in long strides to rescue her son. She was almost to the front door of the school when a man walked out to greet her. She immediately identified him as the school’s psychologist. They all looked the same with their clipboards and uneasy approach. This man’s white hair and beard were a nice touch, though. Made him look a little like Santa Claus.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I love this! Love the voice here. I immediately know that the MC is at odds with her place as a mother. I also know, without a ton of backstory, why she is this way. I would read every word of this.
ReplyDeleteAlthough this starts out somewhat depressing, it does tell us a lot about Emily's frame of mind, and seems to immediately reflect the title. I like the voice, and how quickly we're shown the difficulties Emily's facing. Now I want to know more of the details. Good stuff!
ReplyDeleteGreat opening! I immediately sympathize with her because of her childhood, and then again as a mother of (I'm guessing) a difficult child.
ReplyDelete"Jack deserved a better mother, one who wasn't bleeding all the time." Love this line.
I would definitely read on.
Love it!! The voice is excellent and maybe I shouldn't have, but I cracked up at the last three paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteGreat title. Your first sentence was a little clunky and could benefit from some tightening. The rest was wonderful. You did a great job of showing us why she is that way. But what I like the most is the MC's sense of duty to her son even when she doesn't feel like being a mother. I think all parents can relate to that on some level.
ReplyDeleteVery nice job of drawing us in while giving us some backstory. I would think about starting the first sentence with "At nine..."
ReplyDeleteLove the title. Connecting with the voice.
ReplyDeleteAll the questions in the second paragraph pulled me out a little.
Great job with showing us the conflict and tension right away. I would read on.
This is a great opening. I suggest breaking up your first sentence into three. I think it will have more punch.
ReplyDeleteI would also eliminate Q#2 in your second paragraph. Too many questions I think at once and the second question gives too much away too soon.
Many women doubt their abilities as mothers, and many also feel they become just like their mothers at some point. I think you have set this up well.
This is a great opening. I suggest breaking up your first sentence into three. I think it will have more impact.
ReplyDeleteI would also eliminate Q#2 in your second paragraph. Too many questions I think at once and the second question gives too much away too soon.
Many women doubt their abilities as mothers, and many also feel they become just like their mothers at some point. I think you have set this up well.
I'm interested, but feel like I've read this type of plot before. As I read, I see that yours is different, and I'm curious to why she's treating her son like her mother treated her.
ReplyDeleteThe last line did make me chuckle, though, and I'd keep reading.
Nice writing. Strong voice and I already feel empathy with the character.
ReplyDeleteLove it! To the point, crisp and clean and good pacing. You found a fresh way to tell us things about her: all the 'why else's', which is much more effective than just telling us. It makes it feel more like her thoughts and ups the tension - we know what she thinks and we know what she feels about what she thinks.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think many many readers will identify with Emily. Great job.
I like the last three paragraphs. The voice draws me in, and the last line made me laugh. However, I think you try to pack too much backstory into the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI suggest you begin with the sentence "At thirty-five, Emily Matthews was dangerously close to becoming just like her mother." Perhaps you could weave the rest of the details in later.
Good luck; this is promising.
Echoing JaneDoe about the age. I love, love, love the opening, although I do think it needs some polishing to avoid the pronoun clunkiness (with two females).
ReplyDeleteFWIW, I don't see her treating her son as she was treated; I see her overwhelmed by a child I'm guessing has either behavioral issues or a disability, and I love the conflict you've set up here, a woman who's trying to hard and doesn't feel like she can do anything right.
Oh yes, and the "Jack deserved a better mother, one who wasn't bleeding all the time"? That line is a hook, right there. Done. Reel me in, I'm yours. :)
ReplyDeleteI almost feel a little sorry for the kid, wondering what his life is going to be like when he gets older. You've done a great job setting up this opening scene, especially the first paragraph.
ReplyDeletesoooo good! love the first paragraph. wonder about two questions in second para instead of 3, and am relieved her doubts and hesitations are fleeting - i get her and like her already!
ReplyDeleteI liked this, a wonderful voice. The scene reflects truth and regret and fear very accurately. Almost scarily so. Good job.
ReplyDeleteNice. I was a bit worried when she said she was like mom, but then she clarified and it was okay again :) I love the line about deserving a mom who wasn't bleeding - very nice. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteLove the description of the psychologist!
ReplyDeleteMain comment - I didn't want her to get her son. I wanted her to take the interview. If she was like her mother - it seems like she would have chosen the job over the boy - no? If she choses him - then she really is nothing like her mother.
Unless psychotic, people cover over their inadequacies with layers of defense mechanisms...and if she has this much insight, why is she raising questions?
ReplyDeleteSecond sentence seems to be a way to put in a lot of backstory, but it's not needed here.
Maybe have her on her way into the school, thinking some of these things, interacting with school personnel...calm and cool on the outside, bleeding on the inside?
Otherwise, it's just too much back story for me.
Also, the inability to suspend disbelief would make me put this down and not continue reading.
I thought the writing was packed with information and emotion. It was very tightly controlled. It set up conflicts both unresolved from the past and percolating in the present. The small touches of the psychologist and what he looked like just were the icing on the cake. First rate all the way.
ReplyDeleteI think your first line is almost there -- so close! It might help to break up the first one to end at nine, then give the details of the other ages. It's a dramatic concept and I like how you carry that so well into her own feelings about her kids. Wow.
ReplyDeleteThe paragraph of questions didn't quite for me. I tend to write a lot of questioning internal reflection when I'm drafting, but usually it can be rephrased as a statement for a stronger impact. Sometimes those questions work, and you'll need to determine what fits your story best.
Nice! My only critique would be the paragraph of questions, which was pointed out by others. Too many too soon; takes me out of the groove.
ReplyDeleteThe suggestion of humor in the end intrigued me, but women's lit for some reason tends to be victimized, so I don't know if I could read the entire book. But that's just my personal taste as a reader coming into play. As a writer, I'd say your intro is terrific.
This is great. The first paragraph absolutely draws me in to the story. The use of questions to info dump works, but you could drop it or rework it a different way. I noticed a number of people had problems with it.
ReplyDeleteI also really like the title. Fabulous start!