TITLE: Take Two
GENRE: Adult Contemporary Romance
Maddie Bauers was seconds from fleeing full stomp back to her car. She had been hesitant to go out when she thought Bree just planned to drag her to a nightclub. Now, outside the Woodland Hills house, the bass from a stereo pulsing loudly indicating a party in full swing, Maddie planted the heels of her flat sandals and refused to budge.
“Oh, come on!” Bree flashed her puppy-dog eyes, the ones that usually got her anything and anyone.
Maddie pursed her full lips. “You said one drink, Bree. This is not one drink. This is a noise violation and disorderly conduct ticket waiting to happen.”
“This is fun waiting to happen,” Bree said, tossing her long blonde hair behind her shoulder. “I know you’re frigid and anti-good times, but one f****** party isn’t going to kill you. As your best friend and roommate, it is my duty to tell you that you need to chill-ax. Have a good time.”
Bree leaned closer to Maddie. “And I heard from someone who heard from someone else that the cast and crew of the latest Davenport indie might show up. That means hot celebrities.” She raised her hands triumphantly above her head. “Woo hoo!”
“First of all, I couldn’t care less about celebrities. Secondly, how do you know they’re hot?”
Bree waggled her eyebrows. “Let’s just say I heard some rumors.”
Maddie groaned. “I’m so leaving.”
“Come on. Don’t you want to celebrate your graduation even a little bit?”
Miss Snark's First Victim
Did you mean New Adult Contemporary Romance? College stundents feels too young for straight up contemporary romance to me.
ReplyDeleteCan you actually flee while stomping? :) I may have to practice that tonight on the way to the car! "Fleeing" to me means rushing away, getting OUT of somewhere *fast*. Stomping isn't exactly a fast method of moving. The two together just seem ... wrong. On the other hand, I know exactly what you mean - annoyed and wanting to be GONE from the situation!
ReplyDeleteI would probably read more - but watch those descriptions, make sure they work in reality. ;)
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ReplyDelete@ A Little Push - it actually takes place years later, but this one scens is on graduation night. There's no where to explain that without a query so I just had go with it. :)
ReplyDelete@cloudblues - point taken. Thanks.
I love this opening. I'd definitely keep reading, and I get a good feeling for the voice.
ReplyDeleteOh I adore this. You did a great job at distinguishing Maddie from Bree in just a short space. I'd definitely keep turning pages.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds *exactly* like the kind of book I devour. Must read more!
ReplyDeletere: adult versus new adult cont romance. The protagonist of Bared to You (which is pretty huge right now, and much better than 50 Shades IMHO) is just graduating college. For that matter, Anna Steele graduates college in 50 Shades and AFTER she meets Grey - in every sense of the word. Nothing to worry about.
ReplyDeleteIn one word: GIMME!
ReplyDeleteI would definitely continue reading. Love how different the girls are. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThe voice in this is great. My fave line:
ReplyDeleteMaddie pursed her full lips. “You said one drink, Bree. This is not one drink. This is a noise violation and disorderly conduct ticket waiting to happen.”
I'd probably change or cut the "fleeing full stomp" and just either go with: fleeing or stomping.
Also, Bree sounds like trouble. I'd definitely read on to see what she convinces Maddie to do. (we've all had friends like that, or have been those kinds of friends)
Love this!
You've got a fun voice and style. I think it sounds a little young (more YA to me in style) but I see you say it's just this scene, so I'm sure it's fine. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThe first line threw me with the whole "fleeing full stomp" bit. Not sure what that means. I like that you have two very distinct voices here, but they feel cliche--stiff girl with the party girl BFF. I want something more from these characters, which you hopefully deliver on future pages, but I'm not drawn in enough by this scene alone.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this! I've been Maddie soooo many times--although I hope she stays at this party. :) Fun intro!
ReplyDeleteYou did great with characters in this! And I can't wait to see what goes wrong, because you KNOW something is going to go wrong at a party like this... :)
ReplyDeleteI ♥ the voice in this. Very relatable. I've definitely been a Maddie and I've had several Bree's in my life. Awesome job!
ReplyDeleteI thought the "fleeing full stomp" was funny. It gave me a good image of a PO'd Maddie stomping all the way back to the car and freedom.
ReplyDeleteI always hyphenate my woo-hoo's. Not sure if that's correct, but I think it looks better. :)
This sounds like fun and right up my reading alley! Those Bree's, always dragging us into trouble under the guise of a "good time." Good job!
There's a lot to like here. The dialogue is realistic and the situation sounds genuine. However, this does need some work. I stumbled over "full stomp"; did you mean "full stop"? Too, the characters are faily young--I assume this a college graduation party and not high school (drinking age aside). I'm a total fan of the line about "noise violation and disorderly conduct"--great. I'd have to read more to see where it's going, but with work, this could be entertaining.
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