TITLE: Price of Refuge
GENRE: Psychological Suspense
It seemed crazy, nearly drowning myself in order to stop feeling like I was going to die, but water had always been the only thing that stopped the panic. I waited until my lungs burned, then lifted my head, took a deep gulp of air, and sank back down into my warm cocoon. I stayed under as long as I could, the contour of the tub cradling my body, keeping me bubble-wrapped and buffered from the distorted sounds of the outside world - the bickering of the kids, the inane chatter from the television.
Spencer’s scream.
I sat up, coughing and spitting and sucking oxygen through my veil of sopping hair.
“Kelsey!”
I peeled wet curls from my eyelids as I tried to analyze my husband’s tone. I’m not good at much, but in this one area I’m an expert. Water sloshed over the side of the tub as I strained forward to listen. It was probably just the usual morning chaos of getting the kids ready. No need to assume anything terrible had happened. Spencer wouldn’t let them stick forks in the toaster or turn on the stove.
“Kelsey!” Louder now, and with a hint of panic – an emotion with which I was all too familiar.
It was time to get out. I braced myself with both arms and heaved my pregnant, beached-whale body onto the rug, bumping the vanity and knocking over various tubes and jars of creams and perfume. Only my bottle of Escape stayed upright, mocking me.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm loving this one. You have setting, characterization, and tension all on one page. Your writing is smooth and tight, and the details you give enhance the prose.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot I want to know here, like why she needs to hide under the water and it's got tension. Style was good and you were able to set the scene without an over use of words. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm instantly intrigued. You do a great job of leading the reader on without info-dumping. Only two tiny recommendations: 1) you could start with a more impacting phrase than "it seemed", get rid of the filter word, and reduce the wordiness of the first sentence by converting it to "Nearly drowning myself......was crazy." Otherwise, it's a fabulous first line.
ReplyDelete2) I think you could cut "It was time to get out." It doesn't add a lot, it has a few empty words, and I think it's implied already. But those are really tiny things that may be personal preference. This is really strong and I want to read more!
I would certainly read on. The tension was immediate. I would work on the first sentence however. Maybe: "Water was the only thing that stopped the panic." You could work in the other concepts later on.
ReplyDeleteI like everything about this--except the first sentence: "nearly drowning myself in order to stop feeling like I was going to die..." It was only later that I realized you were using "die" in a figurative sense.
ReplyDeleteEverything else sucks me in and builds a sense of foreboding.
By the way, What is Escape-a perfume?
I liked this a lot, found it polished and absorbing. One detail seems off to me: Spencer's scream. I read that and assumed he was a child. For me, "yell" or "holler" would be more appropriate. Usually when an adult man "screams," there's no doubt about the extremity of the situation.
ReplyDeleteI was thrown off by "Spencer's scream," too. And following it with, "Kelsey!" confused me. I needed more context.
ReplyDeleteAfter I figured out what was going on, though, I was all in!
I agree with most of the feeback regarding small tweaks, but I'm intrigued and the MC seems relatable. Nice opening.
ReplyDeleteYes. Family mundaneness mixed with impending doom. I love it. That husband of hers had better have a good reason for forcing her out of that tub!
ReplyDeleteI liked this. There is a bit of a problem with the very first sentence. Consider starting with, Water had always...panic. Then put the crazy bit in.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Spencer's scream, seems a little odd. It pulled me out of the story to consider it. Probably not a good thing right at the beginning. Curious why you didn't simply say Spencer screamed.
I love the MC! She is totally relatable. I would keep reading. Nice voice.
ReplyDeleteinteresting beginning but I thought she really was in a life or death situation and was seeking refuge under the water - like bullets flying overhead. Later I realized it was her coping mechanism. That raises the interesting question of how horrible is this MC's life that she needs to drown herself (almost)? I thought Spencer was a baby crying...it again took me a moment ot realize you were talking about an adult male. The last thrwo in of pregnant took me aaway from an iniitally sympathetic position of the narrator - what pregant woman (so close to term that she is a beacjed whale) would potentially harm a fetus by playing this sick game. Then, I thought, maybe the suspense thriller part is that SHE is the nut and the MC all rolled into one. After all, you read so much about mom's harmoing their children - especially some notorious one by one bathtub drownings. So, I guess I would read another page to see if that was what you had in mind.
ReplyDeleteYES! i love this! great voice, and i relate to her already. (beached whale getting out of the tub) i know enough about her to know i want to know more. good flow and i love your writing.
ReplyDeleteI love strong, confident women (she's thinking about dying, not good at much, a beached whale, etc.), so although this has real promise, I wouldn't keep reading...maybe consider strengthening her?
ReplyDeleteLike Janedoe commented, I think your opening like could be: Water was the only thing that stopped the panic. It feels dramatic and full of tension. I think adding that she's sinking into the cocoon of the bathtub, or referencing the tub in the first paragraph would have worked better for me. The water line is so dramatic she could have been by a lake, a pool, but the home setting surprised me.
ReplyDeleteYou've managed to show hints of the character through this setting, nice work. I think there's room to pare down: look for redunancies and filler words and this will move a little better. Like this:
I sat up, coughing and spitting and sucking oxygen through my veil of sopping hair.
You can condense that by half and still give the same impression.
I think I've seen this before and was just as drawn into the story as I am now. I think the character is sympathetic and believable and the setup is intriguing. The hint that she's panicing is enticing, as is the panic in Spencer's scream. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this, although there were a couple things that I stumbled over.
ReplyDeleteAt first I thought Spencer was her son. You just said "Spencer's scream" and I think of kids when I think of screaming, not husbands. Husbands yell for help, sure, but screaming strikes me as something else. Then she says she's an expert at analyzing her husband's tone, but clearly not since she changes her mind so quickly after a scream and two calls of her name.
Also, what is in the bottle of Escape that stays upright? You mention perfume already or I would have guessed it was perfume so I'll go with scented bubble bath or herbal anti-anxiety pills. Can we get clarification on that?
If she's pregnant and doing this oxygen deprevation thing - she needs help! But that's a reality thing and a plot killer so ignore that.
Overall I like it and I'd read on.