TITLE: UNDECIDED
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Ryan's music is too loud—not exactly a problem, except that it’s louder than mine. I jack up my iPod. My tiny speakers can’t drown out the noise.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
I still really like the first line. The rest is kind of predictable to me, but keep in mind this isn't really my genre--dudes sitting and listening to music doesn't grab me. You do clearly set up the conflict and put us into the setting.
ReplyDeleteI don't think this works because if it isn't a problem, then it really isn't too loud. And if he doesn't think it's a problem, why would he jack up his own music? It seems he really does think it's a problem.
ReplyDeletei'd still be reading after this...
ReplyDeleteOh, I know that feeling! People on the bus like that drive me insane. I connect and therefore I want to read more. This is a good technique in YA Contemp - getting the reader to instantlly empathise with the MC.
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely contemporary, but I'm not sure it really 'hooks' me. If this isn't a novel about music, or if it doesn't get to the point in another sentence, I'm gone.
ReplyDeleteYes, for a few more lines. I want to see the character do or think something interesting and unique soon.
ReplyDeleteFirst line is promising. You lose me a bit on the next two sentences, but as long as more information about Ryan's character is right after this, it's fine.
ReplyDeleteNot sure what's at stake here. Good voice, but I'm not hooked. I'm left wondering who Ryan is, and what the mc's relationship to Ryan is.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with someone above, the following sentences took away any mystery or interest generated by the first sentence. It really was just talking about teenagers playing music too loud. Oh.
ReplyDeleteI'm pulled in by the palpable annoyance. I would keep reading, hoping for more action soon.
ReplyDeleteI like this. Can relate. I wonder if this is a metaphor for other probs in his/her life. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot, and it feels VERY YA contemporary. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. I hate it when other peoples' music is too loud in public places. I totally understand her irritation.
ReplyDeleteI'm liking this so far. I don't know how th magical realm fits in, but so far I'm intrigued.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the others, I loved the first line and was hoping for something with more tension than her just turning up her iPod. I wanted her to march in there and have a conflict or turn hers up louder or start doing something annoying back to him. This just feels like a typical brother-sister to me.
ReplyDeleteFunny! I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteI like this. I like the the structure, and the first line is great. The next two build on it well, making me want to know why the MC needs to drown out the music. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first line and kind of expected a rant or something to that nature, not action trying to drown out the sound. I would not read on.
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ReplyDeleteOK, this is me rewriting my comment b/c I realize that a name WAS added (Ryan) that wasn't there in the previous version I saw of these lines either here or elsewhere on the 'net.
ReplyDeleteI think you could combine 2 + 3 and move on from there. I'd keep reading!
I agree that this is a little contradictory. If he it thinks it's too loud and calls it noise then it is a problem. Either way, this doesn't offer very much insight into the main character. Maybe if you told us the type of music or why he needs to drown it out or what he is doing while he tries to drown it out.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Holly
I like it. A good, solid beginning.
ReplyDeleteyes, i am still reading. i am right with the mc right now.
ReplyDeleteI like it, but I think the second two sentences need to be combined.
ReplyDelete