TITLE: The Memory Jug
GENRE: YA
I was the second person in my family to be struck by lightning.
That storm blew through what seemed like a normal July afternoon--hot and endless. A first grumble of thunder sent the lifeguards whistle-blowing and yelling for us to get out of the pool.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the line "a grumble of thunder." I'm not a big fan of stories that start telling me things were all normal and hanky-panky, but that's just a little peeve and I think you really can't change that here!
ReplyDeleteI liked this. I liked that she was the second person hit, and the 'grumble of thunder.' My only suggestion would be to cut 'first.'
ReplyDeleteGreat, I'd read on. I love the imagery and I'm intrigued.
ReplyDeleteyes, i am def. still reading...
ReplyDeleteI am definately intrigued by getting struck by lightning. I would absolutely continue reading after these sentences. Of course, I hope the description of the getting hit would be brief and we would move on to why it's significant that (s)he was hit.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the description, and I'm hoping we move into the character's story soon.
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued and would keep reading. I don't think you need to tell us the afternoon was normal, though. The lovely writing does that for you.
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued and would keep reading. I don't think you need to tell us the afternoon was normal, though. The lovely writing does that for you.
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued and would keep reading. I don't think you need to tell us the afternoon was normal, though. The lovely writing does that for you.
ReplyDeleteI would keep going. I thin it's interesting that your narrator is the second lightning-strike victim. It makes me wonder why this keeps happening to his/her family.
ReplyDeleteYour first line is a definite grabber. But I'm not interested in how she got hit by lightening as much as I am in why her saying she is the second person in her family is significant.
ReplyDeleteWhew! Still love that first line. The wordiness in the next two, however, slow down the tense pacing. I'd suggest trimming to keep the tension building. Like: The storm blew through a normal July afternoon. Thunder sent the lifeguards whistle-blowing and yelling for us to get out of the pool. Just a suggestions. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteYes! Concise. Tension is there.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked and would read on.
Hooked. I'd definitely read on. I can see why that first sentence made it through the first round, and I like how you jump right into the scene. These next two promise some electrifying action. *giggles*
ReplyDeleteYes! The Tgree sentences are well-written, concise and set the mood. I feel like I'm in capable hands and want to know more.
ReplyDeleteLove the first line. The others keep my interest.
ReplyDeleteLove this. Your first line already had me hooked, and I think you set a nice scene after that. I do wonder if you could up the tension even more by cutting the second sentence and launching right into the third after that great opening line - something about a thunderstorm at a pool sets a tone of danger for me, and I already assume its summer since they're at a pool, so not sure the second gives me new info. But I love this regardless!
ReplyDeleteThis one just did nothing for me. I LOVE the first line. But after that, it kills the mystery for me to learn that it's just kids at the beach and a summer thunderstorm. That's pretty much how most lightning strikes happen and it makes it just commonplace and unlucky vs. intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI would read on. I'm intrigued by the storm and the implied threat, and the writing is very tight.
ReplyDeleteI would read more. I'm hoping we don't spend a lot of time on the build up to the lightning strike, though. I'm a tad antsy with the two sentences you've got already. I think I'd just like to strike him already and reveal the context while it's being described, rather than lead with the It Was a Day Like Any Other backdrop.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. But I'd hope there wasn't too much set up of the ordinary before we reach the extraordinary.
ReplyDeleteI loved the first line and voted for it in the first round, but I was hoping for some mysterious reason, not a summer thunderstorm in a pool. Being struck by lightening is certainly no common thing, but I the excitement of the first line was lost to me in the next two.
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ReplyDeleteDeleted last post because I made a boo boo. I liked the first line, but I would have liked to see the work continue building off that notion (being struck by lightning, or being the 2nd person in the family to be hit) rather than get right into the 'here's how it happened'. That's more to do with the types of books I read, though.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. I'd read on to see how the two strikes are tied together (they are, right?)Sounds good!
ReplyDeleteInteresting. I'd read on to see how everything is connected.
ReplyDeleteI would probably read a little further. "A first grumble" sounds funny though. Maybe "The first grumble" instead?
ReplyDeleteBut again, it looks like a lot of back story is coming into play. We already know she gets hit by lightning. I want to know what happens NEXT.
I love the voice in these lines; that second line could be pared down to remove the "what seemed like" to say "The storm blew through a hot and endless July day." I would keep reading regardless. :)
ReplyDeleteYou got me interested when you spoke of lifeguards. This because I am one during the summer monthes and so I am the one blowing the whistle. Would love to read the rest!
ReplyDeleteMelissa
Hooked by the first line but unhooked by what follows. I think when you set up a bizarre event - like being the second person to be hit by lightning - then it cries out to be immediately built upon and not shelved while we get into a set up.
ReplyDeleteI like this first line but then you lose me a little by moving on to weather. I was expecting this setup to move on to more about the first person who was struck or to more about the family.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Holly
I think it's great. I'd go on reading!
ReplyDeleteYes. This is excellent. However, isn't "first" superfluous?
ReplyDeleteditto was Jasmine said. I'm disappointed that the second and third lines don't build more quickly on the questions posed by the first.
ReplyDeleteI love this. I like stories that open with descriptions, and I instantly get a picture and a mood from the next two lines.
ReplyDeletei'm still blown away by your first line. i'd keep reading after the next two, but ready for more about that first peron!
ReplyDeleteLove this--would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteMaybe. That third line seems a little wordy. Consider: Thunder grumbled and sent...
ReplyDeleteI agree on the 'what seemed like a normal' being a turn off. I immediately think uh oh, 'telling' on the way...
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